Horny Women Confuse the S*&t Out of Men

It’s tough to know what to think about this article in this month’s Details, in which writer Mac Montandon explores the sad truth that women peak sexually in our mid-thirties, just as men’s sex drive is beginning to taper off:

“Guys experience a huge surge of testosterone during adolescence, but by their late twenties, that jolt is already on the wane. A few years later, women are finally ready to join the party.

Does it get any crueler?”

The article goes from hilarious to offensive to stupid and back again so many times, it makes me think that the female sex drive is just completely confusing to men…Oh, wait.

First, Montandon throws in this anecdote about “Tina” and “Owen,” a couple in their thirties who are living out this hellish flip of sex drive in real time, with Owen getting progressively more sulky about the problem and Tina getting progressively hornier. Montandon lets fly with the following gem, which I think might be unintentionally hilarious:

Owen wasn’t laughing the day the enormous cherry-red vibrator that Tina ordered arrived in the mail. “I showed it to him—’Look, honey!’—I was all excited,” Tina says. His reaction: “That’s really aggressive.” The vibrator was no fun; it became an issue in therapy.

The vibrator became an issue in therapy. I’m going to try to apply that phrase to other situations in which good things come between people. Like, let’s say one half of a couple wants to take a vacation and the other doesn’t think they can afford it: “Sounds like the vibrator is going to become an issue in therapy.”

Anyway, as good as that nugget of funny is, from there Montandon kind of derails. On the next page, he quotes clinical sexologist and, it seems, noted moron, Ian Kerner:

“These are third-wave feminists,” notes clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. “Female sexuality is part and parcel of the air they breathe.”

Ah, third-wave feminists. That’s t-h-i-r-d, w-a-v-e, f-e-m-i-n-i-s-t-s. Got it? They’re a new kind of species, gentlemen — a species which, unlike other variations of the “female,” will not lie back and pretend to enjoy it when you do the jackhammer. These so-called “third-wave feminists” believe that they have a right to enjoy sex. Early studies suggest that this new way of thinking is a product of evolution, but to date we don’t have enough scientific evidence to come to a final conclusion. Please stay tuned for Phase III trials.

But seriously. By the end of the article it seems like our hero has gone from sincerely trying to figure out what to do about this biological injustice to throwing up his hands in exasperation. And we know that he’s finally given up when he ends the article about pleasing women in their thirties by saying something that’s totally offensive to women in their thirties:

For some guys, [this] will mean more sex than they ever imagined. For others, it might be time to find a younger girlfriend.

Share This Post:
    • Marissa

      ughh!! i can’t believe he ended it like that. pure laziness on so many levels. if his writing and viewpoint are any indications of his bedroom skills, i feel sorry for his wife.

      • Lindsay Hartman

        Cheers to that! I hope that woman finds herself a younger man who can keep up.