• Fri, Oct 15 2010

Crack/Cocaine/Meth-Addiction Employment Plan

I was thinking the other day about money and work and how those things relate to me, and suddenly I thought “what if I get addicted to cocaine or meth and end up having to sell all of my belongings to support my habit?” Because, really, who can control that sort of thing?

I decided that, to be safe, it would probably be best to figure out how to advertise my personal belongings to maximize profit BEFORE my mind becomes all clouded by years of drug abuse.  When I’m all strung out and my only career option is selling my couch, I’m sure I’ll appreciate that I thought ahead and wrote out the best advertisements possible.

So here they are – all of my belongings that are worth anything – advertised to the best of my ability.

Car

DO YOU LIKE TRANSFORMERS??!!

Car/sauna for sale. Convenient for driving and for hatha yoga. When it’s working, you can drive it anywhere you like.  When it is not working, simply allow it to sit in the sun and WHAMMO! You’ve got yourself a sauna.

Also will cook a small turkey at a temperature almost hot enough to prevent E. Coli.  Equipped with decorative windshield wipers and and a free bumper sticker. Beeps real loud.

Couch

HOLY SHIT!! THIS COUCH IS THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING IN THE WORLD!! Seriously.  I’m so comfortable I can’t even finish writing this.

Okay, I got up off the couch so I could actually be productive and tell you more about how fucking fantastic this couch is.  First, it’s not even really a couch – more of a lifestyle.  When you sit down on it, it feels as if you are being embraced by everything you’ve ever loved at the same time.  If God were a piece of furniture, He would be this couch.

So if you think you’re ready for the couch-experience of a lifetime, send me an email and I’ll send you the application for purchase.  I’m not just going to let anybody and their brother buy this couch, so I have to make sure you’re qualified to enjoy it properly.

Couch #2

This couch isn’t nearly as awesome as my other couch, but it still provides a reasonably cushioned horizontal surface upon which you may sit while watching sporting events on your television or maybe while doing other things too.  I’m not going to tell you exactly how to use my couch — the possibilities are pretty endless.  For example, you could set your mail on it, use it as a dartboard, train your pets not to  sleep on it, use it as a conversational piece (I’ll provide you with a detailed list of stories behind each of the many stains on this couch [hint: one of the stories involves a pen exploding spontaneously]), or even use it to practice martial arts.  It’s pretty durable.  You can punch it as much as you want and it probably won’t even get dented.

10 cans of garbanzo beans

I went through a phase where I was like “I know what would be a good idea!  Buying lots of garbanzo beans!”  After I purchased the garbanzo beans, I realized that I was just being idealistic and there was no way that I could actually consume that many garbanzo beans even if they’re cheap and healthy.  But maybe you want some garbanzo beans!  These beans have about eight years left until they expire, so you’ll have plenty of time before you need to use them.  I’ll even decorate the cans for you.  Wouldn’t it be neat to open up your pantry and see a bunch of cans with googly eyes staring back at you?  I could probably buy, like, a hundred pairs of those stick-on googly eyes from K-Mart for under ten dollars, so the price on the garbanzo beans wouldn’t even increase that much.

Think about it.

Blankets

Dude, I have too many blankets.  I don’t even know how it happened, I guess I’m just, like, some sort of blanket magnet or something.  Blankets find me.  I seriously have like, nineteen blankets and I don’t really need that many.  But maybe you have no blankets or only one blanket and you feel that the amount of blankets you have is insufficient.

In that case, I am willing to sell or barter a few of my blankets.  You can’t have the fuzzy one that my mom made me and you definitely can’t have the purple one, but any of the other blankets are pretty much fair game.

Abstract art/paint

Do you want to make your house look super classy but don’t want to spend the money it would take to buy real art?  I will make art for you.  Do you like yellow?  I have days of yellow paint.  I could paint twelve paintings using only yellow paint and I’d probably still have a ton of it left over.  I have other colors too, but mostly yellow.

I bought the yellow paint to paint my bedroom, but then I decided that actually painting an entire room would be way too much work and so now I have all of this unused paint.  I could sell you the can of yellow paint by itself or I could put it on paper for you in a classy sort of fashion (see above) and sell it to you as art.  It’s really up to you.  I’m pretty flexible.

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  • Nadine

    I’m totes stealing your car description on CL because mine is just not moving this heap of metal.

  • G

    I would totally buy your yellow painting if you signed it and stuff. Id have it up on my wall and mount this post next to it and be rich foreverrr

  • Jessa

    This is brilliant! I have been so worried about the day when a drug habit sneaks up on me, now I know how to prepare.
    How much do you want for the googly eyed garbanzo beans?

  • lotusflwr

    I love garbanzo beans, but I think I can love them more with googly eyes on the can. In fact I might be-googly all the canned goods in my pantry. YAY!

  • z.kolin

    HOW MUCH FOR THE COUCHES?!

  • Ironica

    I work with homeless people who have lost their lives to meth and crack. And I have to say, THANK YOU for bringing awareness to what you can do to delay the descent into a bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. When I think of the weeks, maybe even MONTHS, this kind of forethought could have delayed hitting bottom for the folks who are clawing their way back out, it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for addressing this issue… perhaps, someday, it will keep someone off Skid Row. For a while. (And who knows? That might be long enough for a lost rich uncle to die and leave them a Colombian warehouse full of drugs.)

    WARNING: taking my comment seriously and posting to blast me for not finding the humor in Allie’s post would create a concentrated source of irony that might destabilize the entire Internet.

  • Joe

    I want the beans. Only if I can have the paintings too. What kind of deal will you work out?

  • Caroline

    I really do only have one blanket and was thinking of buying another one. Winter is colder than other seasons.

  • bodo

    Come Winter, you’ll regret having sold all those blankets that you will need to keep yourself warm because you can’t afford to heat your house and will also need to sleep on them, what with presumably having sold your bed even if it’s not worth a lot.

    You know what ‘s even cheaper than canned beans? Dry beans that need soaking before cooking. Also, these don’t perish, like, EVER.

  • stephaniejane

    I am off to invest in googly eyes! You know that’s the chore that would become IMPOSSIBLY COMPLICATED once I’m constantly high on coke!

  • Anna D

    Allie, for real though, do you understand how many clams you could make off selling those yellow paintings?!?

    (For our purposes the word “clams” could refer to a colloquial expression meaning “money,” or to actual clams, which can be kind of expensive depending on where you live. I’m sure you have at least one reader who owns a trawler and participates in the barter system.)

    (I love you alot.)

  • Melanie

    These are awesome and totally, like, well written. You can sell all your stuff in no time!

  • Really

    I’m a fan, not your best work.

  • Adrienne Saia

    I have a can of garbanzo beans that was bequeathed to me by friends who moved across the country over a year ago. I don’t think you realize how far this garbanzo bean epidemic has spread. Soon, they will take over pantries across the country with their protein-filled yet useless goodness. The googly eyes should up the value, however. Good call.

  • megan

    Why does anyone feel the need to let you know that this particular thing you wrote is not the very best thing you’ve ever written?

    That’s my Internet Rage. I heart you, Allie, so the haters really tickle my bitch-slap reflex.

  • Simon

    I don’t even know garbanzo beans are, and I WANT them. I have an inkling they’re an American term for something we have in England, which is probably amongst the dozen or so packs of dried beans my schizophrenic next door neighbour gave me. This is actually true.

    • Martha

      Simon, garbanzo beans are the same thing as chickpeas. Does that help?

  • Allison

    Allie,
    You are fabulous no matter where you are, but we miss you horribly over at hyperbole. Please post again soon!

  • Jackie

    Seriously, Allie. Do you know how many of us would pay five or ten or maybe even twenty bucks for an all yellow, official AllieBrosh painting? Like, at least eight of us. Which means you could make like…at least forty bucks.

  • Anna

    Ain’t this weekly no more? :(

  • Bridgette

    love the googly eyes!

  • Brent

    I will buy your garbanzo beans. Srsly. If you decorate them, I will buy the cans for 120% market value :D

  • B

    I think I will glue googly eyes to all my canned foods. So my roomate will be like “WTF B! why are the cans staring at me.. I mean really what was the point of this” Of corse as he’s looking at me with serious face I will be turning red failing to contain my laughter.

  • StephanieC | Seriously? Really?? Seriously?

    You had me at “When you sit down on it, it feels as if you are being embraced by everything you’ve ever loved at the same time.”

    That would be, like, all of my 42 ex-boyfriends. That’s priceless.

    And consider the garbanzo beans sold, if they are those high-falutin’ Eden Organic ones with low sodium and that Japanese Kombu (so you don’t fart your brains out).

    Seriously?… Reeeally??… Seriously?

    You have it all figured out Allie. I hate art, but I would buy your yellow stuff. I could pay you in garbanzo beans!

  • Ciranne

    Erm, dibs on the paint! Still going?

  • Manticore

    I want some blankets! I only have three, this is way too few!!

  • hogsatemysister

    If Charlie Sheen had been as forward-thinking as you, Allie, he would not have to stage sham Bipolar R Us fundraising walks, or sell his way damaged kidneys, just to get money to have pizza, crack and nubiles delivered for his dinner parties. Tragically, our Charlie is unable to coherently sell his stuff at this point. He has actually become a can of garbanzo beans.

  • Lucius Vorenus

    Hello Hyperbole and a half author:
    I accidentally stumbled across your blog (or a reference to it) while on Reddit. I read a few of your posts (If that are what they are call! I am old, therefore, not internet savvy). I thought to myself, this is a intelligent, thoughtful, educated (probably graduate student level or more), worldly-life-experienced, individual.
    I thought I would just drop you a line of support, and say keep up the interesting work, and insightful humour. Unfortuitously, I was not sure how to accomplish this behaviour (I communicate, via, hand shakes, talking, e-mail, and the telephone. I do not belong to facebook, nor is that my desire-there is the old age thing, rearing its nasty head, once again). Therefore, I thought I would go to one of your posts, and communicate this, in the ‘post a comment’
    While I was at your website, I viewed a video of you brushing your teeth! You look like you are thirteen!!! Mother Mary and Joesph.
    Are you a girl or a woman? I work in the Social Service field. I know the trouble a male can get into, by calling a woman, a girl? So, I am trying to be careful.
    Speaking of brushing teeth-to quote an internet meme-you are doing it wrong! Anyway, I would never tell a woman (or a girl-I have a daughter), they are doing it wrong. One can get shunned for weeks (and sometimes, months, for that faux pas-Then I would have to attempt to utilise, my rudimentary cooking skill-skill would be an exaggeration, if not, a hyperbole-ha! of my ability, in that area).
    If you are actually a woman, that looks like a girl, do you have some sort of Benjamin Button disorder? (I am a Canadian. We do not have that disorder, in Canada. I think I viewed a film, made in the Exciting States of America, that highlighted this unfortunate syndrome). In this case, you would actually, be very old, and not young. Now this would account for your insight. Ah, logic. Is it not wonderful?
    In an other video, you were talking about bees and then calling them hornets. They are not interchangeable. Bee are lovely, wonders of nature. Hornets are evil incarnate. If one were to use a Venn diagram, with bees and wasps, their only similarity, would be their stringer. The poor bee uses it’s stinger to defend itself or others (e.g. animal babies, in the wilderness, human orphans, et cetera), then looses it’s stinger, and dies. A hornet, on the other hand, stings for it’s pleasure and just to be mean (e.g.if one was to accidentally spell a word incorrectly, or put a preposition, at the end of a sentence, the hornet would sting that individual, repeatedly, without ever losing it’s stinger-and probably, laugh heartily). Bees and hornets are not the same.
    Keep up the entertaining and interesting work.
    L.V.

    • Wizard Hat

      wat

    • Robe

      inorite