• Tue, Nov 9 2010

WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF CHOCOLATE EVERYBODY PANIC

You know those little British signs that say “keep calm and carry on?” We are running out of chocolate. Now is the time to panic and freak the fuck out. I don’t mean to sound like a Cathy cartoon here, but I’m legitimately disturbed to hear that the world’s chocolate reserves are in short supply.  According to Gizmodo:

Cocoa’s notoriously difficult to harvest, meaning more and more small-scale West African growers—who make an average of 80 cents per day—have little incentive not to turn to more lucrative crops, like rubber, or give up farming altogether in favor of more stable opportunities in cities.

What will the shortage mean? $11 Snickers bars, sooner than you think. Pretzels given out for Halloween. Or more candy made from carob, a poor substitute for the sweet and sticky real deal. And a tectonic shift in how we view our mochas, according the Nature Conservation Research Council’s John Mason:


“In 20 years chocolate will be like caviar. It will become so rare and so expensive that the average Joe just won’t be able to afford it.”

My only comfort is the fact that the world will be ending in 2012 anyway. That, and the fact that yogurt covered pretzels are delicious.

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  • Rose

    Chocolate will become outrageously expensive right when I will need it to go through menopause? What a cruel universe. My stockpiling will begin now.

  • Meg

    I’m with Rose! Begin chocolate hoarding immediately! Dear God someone find me a chocolate Baron to whore myself out to!

  • JennaW

    Can chocolate grow in the US? Maybe this is our ticket back to world domination! I smell a delicious opportunity!