An Open Letter to Wilmer Valderrama

Image via WENN

Dear Wilmer,

So I hear you’re dating Demi Lovato. I’m sure she really needs your love in her life right now since she has all these demons to face and rehab to get out of and stuff. So your love and attention is probably a blessing for her right now. Oh wait, except it probably isn’t. In fact, it’s probably the exact opposite of a blessing. And why is that? Because you’re a skeeze who dates starlets and then dumps them as soon as they start zeroing in on their nineteenth birthdays, and then tells sex stories about them on Howard Stern. Before you try to do your “I’m a foreigner” accent again and feign innocence, let me jog your memory for a bit.

Exhibit A: Mandy Moore

She seems like a nice enough kid, despite being married to Ryan Adams and his terrible hair. But it was really shitty of you to tell Howard Stern about taking Mandy’s virginity, n’est-ce pas?

Exhibit B: Lindsay Lohan

Dating you was the start of her descent into drug addiction, assistant abuse, and claiming the drugs in her pants belonged to some black kid. I know you’re not completely at fault here since her parents are the two worst people on earth, but it’s not like you were terribly helpful either. And she was totally underage when you started banging her – no one believes you that you magically met her the day she turned legal.

Exhibit C: Jennifer Love Hewitt

She’s not a drug addict, as far as we know, but she has a creepy obsession with Audrey Hepburn and is a serial dater with the likes of Jamie Kennedy. Obviously, you are to blame for starting this cycle.

Exhibit D: Ashlee Simpson

She may not have a confirmed drug problem, but I do have my suspicions about her bobbleheadedness. Also, what sober person names their child Bronx Mowgli?

Do you see what I am trying to tell you, Wilmer? Remember that time that you said Lindsay Lohan’s vagina was the Ellis Island of Hollywood, and everyone had to pass through it? You were actually wrong. Your penis is the Ellis Island of Hollywood. A particular Hollywood that is gross and horrible and treats young women like trophies or commodities. And after they pass through the Ellis Island that is dating you, they end up doing coke, ecstasy, and that twerp from Fall Out Boy. Remember that famous “I keep getting older, they stay the same age” line from Dazed and Confused? That was kind of oddly charming because it was Matthew McConaughey with a Texas twang. You, sir, are no fictional character. You are just a perv. A perv who had a TV show where people sat around telling “Yo mamma” jokes for half an hour and was so bad that MTV cancelled it, and we all know they’ll run anything.

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    • Magstar

      I’m so sick of the apparent societal norm of a guy in his thirties dating a TEENAGER. IT’S GROSS. Sorry for the yelling.

      I get it, I dated older guys when I was in my late teens but they were maybe five years older. I don’t want to be all judgy and I’m not saying that it’s wrong to find love outside your peer group but I feel that our society totally accepts these skeezy men preying on girls over a decade younger – not that I’m painting these women out to be helpless or anything. My last boyfriend was 8 years younger than I but he was a fully formed adult when we met. I was constantly being called a cougar and I wasn’t even 30!

      Bottom line: people are dumb, Wilmer Valderrama is THE WORST.

    • Beverly

      I have to give him credit. He came up with “Handy Manny” for Disney which gives him access to all the new disney starlets. Smooth move Wilmer…..

    • MAERSK

      Wow, the guy’s a total douche, good to know!

    • Rose

      I can understand why some people date douchey guys because some of them have fantastically redeeming qualities, like pillow-esque lips, a gorgeous voice and crazy-nimble guitar playing fingers (yes, I’m referring to John Mayer). However, I just don’t see the appeal with this particular douche. He’s not even that cute, why on earth do women keep dating him?

    • JBlitzzz

      Lilit, I don’t know you, and I feel like a creepy blog-follower, but you inspire me! so much!

      • Lilit Marcus

        That’s not creepy at all, that’s sweet. Thanks :)

    • Eileen

      @Rose – I don’t know; I find WV way better looking than John Mayer (who I firmly believe is a pretty crappy musician as well). I suppose we really can’t control what type of jerk women find attractive.

      But I agree with you whole-heartedly on the icky age thing. If you are still in high school, you are too young to be dating someone too old to be an undergrad. And it is totally unacceptable to talk about your sex life with a named person to anyone other than your sibling and best friend without that person’s permission. Especially when you’re both famous.

    • Katelyn


    • Jaclyn

      This piece is spot-on!! I have often wondered why no one calls this perv out.

    • Really?

      Bitter women are depressing. I like how it’s none of their faults whatsoever sheesh!