So I hear you’re dating Demi Lovato. I’m sure she really needs your love in her life right now since she has all these demons to face and rehab to get out of and stuff. So your love and attention is probably a blessing for her right now. Oh wait, except it probably isn’t. In fact, it’s probably the exact opposite of a blessing. And why is that? Because you’re a skeeze who dates starlets and then dumps them as soon as they start zeroing in on their nineteenth birthdays, and then tells sex stories about them on Howard Stern. Before you try to do your “I’m a foreigner” accent again and feign innocence, let me jog your memory for a bit.
Exhibit A: Mandy Moore
She seems like a nice enough kid, despite being married to Ryan Adams and his terrible hair. But it was really shitty of you to tell Howard Stern about taking Mandy’s virginity, n’est-ce pas?
Exhibit B: Lindsay Lohan
Dating you was the start of her descent into drug addiction, assistant abuse, and claiming the drugs in her pants belonged to some black kid. I know you’re not completely at fault here since her parents are the two worst people on earth, but it’s not like you were terribly helpful either. And she was totally underage when you started banging her – no one believes you that you magically met her the day she turned legal.
Exhibit C: Jennifer Love Hewitt
She’s not a drug addict, as far as we know, but she has a creepy obsession with Audrey Hepburn and is a serial dater with the likes of Jamie Kennedy. Obviously, you are to blame for starting this cycle.
Exhibit D: Ashlee Simpson
She may not have a confirmed drug problem, but I do have my suspicions about her bobbleheadedness. Also, what sober person names their child Bronx Mowgli?
Do you see what I am trying to tell you, Wilmer? Remember that time that you said Lindsay Lohan’s vagina was the Ellis Island of Hollywood, and everyone had to pass through it? You were actually wrong. Your penis is the Ellis Island of Hollywood. A particular Hollywood that is gross and horrible and treats young women like trophies or commodities. And after they pass through the Ellis Island that is dating you, they end up doing coke, ecstasy, and that twerp from Fall Out Boy. Remember that famous “I keep getting older, they stay the same age” line from Dazed and Confused? That was kind of oddly charming because it was Matthew McConaughey with a Texas twang. You, sir, are no fictional character. You are just a perv. A perv who had a TV show where people sat around telling “Yo mamma” jokes for half an hour and was so bad that MTV cancelled it, and we all know they’ll run anything.