• Tue, Nov 9 2010

If Men’s Magazines Dispensed Sex Advice Like Women’s Magazines

Women are frequently told by sex-advice columnists that when we don’t feel like having sex, the cure (because it should be cured, you frigid harpy!) is to…wait for it…have sex. The more sex you have, they say, the more you will want to have sex. Use it or lose it. Give him a few minutes to warm you up. Rev the engine. Oil the hinges. Moisten the entryway. Et cetera.

The latest publication to jump on the fuck-so-you-want-to-fuck-more bandwagon is none other than Forbes magazine. In case you didn’t know, Forbes usually dispenses financial advice.

Anyway, look. It’s possible that there is some sort of physiological explanation behind this commonly-given advice, but I’ve certainly never read it, and I’ve read more than my fair share of the “have more sex to have more sex” story.

So I wonder, what would the same kind of advice look like if it appeared in a men’s magazine? Perhaps it would read something like this… (cue dream sequence)

How to Be Happy With Less Sex: Have Less Sex!
If you’re like a lot of men, your wife or girlfriend almost never wants to have sex with you. No matter how many times you grab her tits while watching TV or rub your morning wood against her back, she just doesn’t seem to warm up to your advances.

In fact, between work, watching football, and clocking the obligatory hour with your girlfriend’s friends, not having sex has become just another item on many men’s to-do lists — something we feel like we have to do in order to please our wives or girlfriends.

Well, that needn’t be the case, says sex expert Bruce Johnson**. In fact, he says, there’s an easy way around this problem.

“Every time you want to have sex,” says Johnson, “don’t.”

By ignoring what your body is telling you and stifling your natural urges, eventually you’ll notice that your sex drive is almost completely gone — much to your girlfriend’s delight.

“The amazing thing about the human body is it’s ability to acclimate,” said Johnson, who is the author of several books, including Third-Wave Feminists: Hard To Trick and Your Wife: Not Like Other Problems. “The less you have sex, the less you want it.”

How to achieve the seemingly impossible? Here are some tips (but just the tip! LOL):

You and your girlfriend are sitting on the couch watching TV. During commercials, all you can do is stare at her funbags. You start to lean into them with your tongue out while she’s not paying attention — the same way you always do foreplay.

That’s when you notice that she’s not going to respond.

Rather than keep trying to get her to fuck you even though she clearly isn’t in the mood, suggests Johnson, relax and give your sexual urges a few minutes to attune themselves to hers.

“I began to notice that the more I tried to align my desire with my wife’s lack of desire, the less interested in sex I became,” said John*, 34, a physician in New York. “Now, we don’t have sex almost six days a week. Our relationship — and our sex life! — is so much better.”

Sam*, 29, a construction worker in Brooklyn, had a similar experience with his girlfriend of 4 years.

“I would always try to slip it in while we were falling asleep,” he said. “Now, I just lie there and count to twenty with a handful of ice on my dick. My girlfriend is so relieved that we’re getting in sync that last night she gave me a Hallmark card! So much better than sex.”

Getting your body to feel something that it doesn’t feel on it’s own won’t be easy at first. But relationships take work — and learning how to not want sex is another piece of it. And after a while, who knows — you might be the one turning her down!

*Names have been changed.
**Some names were made up altogether.

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  • ktsch

    lulz

  • Jen Dziura

    You’re a genius! Not because people should categorically have more or less sex, of course, but because, yes, no one ever talks to men like this. Dear god.

  • Hannah Rose Siegel

    Love it.

  • Maddie

    This is so dumb to me. I love having sex and my boyfriend never has to ask twice. Why would you be with a man if you don’t to have sex with him? This does not make any sense at all to me lol

  • Maddie

    and why the hell would you go to sleep with a handful of ice on your dick because your gf won’t let you stick her? Leave that bitch lmao and any guy that thinks a HALLMARK CARD is better than sex sounds like a pussy honestly

    • Cat

      Satire. Look it up.

    • Maddie

      How about go to hell. Look THAT up.

    • Mill

      Haha, Maddie is 14 and just got laid for the first time and is trying to reconcile her new identity as non-virgin with her usual feisty internet persona of: crazy girlchild with no sense of humor.

    • Maddie

      Wow Mill….and you must be a 40-year-old virgin. I love how I can’t comment on an article without getting attacked by bitter nobodies such as yourself. My opinion gets under your skin that badly? That’s amazing. I understand you don’t know what it’s like to have great sex with someone you feel completely comfortable with and who you trust like I do. There is some of us out here who don’t have shitty sex lives like you do. Please do everyone a favor and get a life. And do not come into my conversation trying to start shit because bitch you will not win.

    • Sasha

      LOLZ guys should just make their girl have sex when dey wantz it. If da girl doesn’t wanna get fukked then thats her problem. Thats what girlz for! LMAO

  • Delia

    Wow. This is pure garbage. WIthholding sex from a spouse is actually harmful to a marriage, not a joking matter, not “bad women’s mag” advice. This applies to both husbands *and* wives. Contrary to popular belief many women suffer from their husbands not wanting as much sex as they do. Seeking solutions and working to increase libido is necessary for a healthy marriage, unless both partners are okay with a sexless marriage.

  • aislinn

    people need to lighten up. this post is so obviously a joke and a play on normal situations. I thought it was brilliant! lol

  • Kelly

    Wow, some people just don’t get it, do they? This was so obviously a “take off” on the useless twattle that’s shoved down our throats daily by women’s magazines, and yet some of you just can’t see it. Seriously? Can you really be that obtuse? Men’s magazines would never deign to talk to their readers in such a manner, but women just accept it. Get a clue.

  • Maddie

    I agree that this is not a joking matter, and I don’t think I’m “obtuse” for having an opinion. Maybe you need to get a fuckin clue

  • Delia

    Yes, thank you aislynn and Kelly for stating the obvious. Yes, I am fully aware that this is meant to be a parody. MY point is that it’s ridiculous to parody advice for increasing libido, because having a low libido can be harmful to a marriage. The advice isn’t “twattle”, it’s healthy and appropriate.

    • Mill

      Which is worse: partner A’s has to compromise by not having sex, or person B has to begrudgingly engage in unsatisfying, boring, unpleasant sex with person A. I would hazard a guess that anyone critiquing this fucking awesome, funny, and very astute article has never been partner B, and doesn’t understand how harmful it is to a relationship when one person is being basically guilted into feeling responsible for someone else’s sexual satisfaction, and has to compromise their own sexuality for them. We side with this “men need sex or they’ll die and the relationship will collapse!” because it’s significantly easier for men to set the tone for the standard, and women in those magazines (as well as women like Delia and Maddie) are perpetuating that bullshit. We never have a problem telling women they have to change. Women should just accommodate men’s desires 100% of the time, heaven forbid men should be forced to do anything equally miserable.

  • Pat

    Mill, if guys dont get to have sex with the person they’re with, the relationship will collapse. They’ll leave.
    As would women if they didnt get to have sex I imagine.
    Sex isnt something that one person has to give, but its a MASSIVE part of any healthy relationship.

  • Lisa

    Here’s someone who says that chastity is the best aphrodisiac. More specifically, that
    “Fleeting, strategic chastity is the ultimate aphrodisiac, followed immediately by f**king.”

    http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mind-of-man-the-ultimate-aphrodisiac/

  • Joshua

    Everyone wrap their head around this. If in fact men were disinclined to desire sex, why would they want to be with women? Women are insanely expensive. The whole reason men do things with women, buy dinner, go to movies, go dancing, go on walks, is that they might have a shred of a chance to have sex, make the woman happy with these activities, so that the woman will make the man happy with sex, because in all honesty, the man would rather spend his time and his money on cars, video games, hangin with friends, things like that.

  • shaz

    well ..i think its natural to have different level of sex drive ….most woman cannot compete men in this field……thats why they had concept of concubines and women from many cultures dont mind men having more than one woman for the very same reason……we should look at nature…how males in mammals would have more than one females…50% of the cheating men will have this kind of attitude….if we wan call it cheating….but thats how it is…..accept it or not…..if women will not give their men sex …they will go find it else where….and believe me there are lot of 30 some thing women hanging arround looking for partners………..

    • Canaduck

      You are insane.

    • blablah

      in nature, many animals (female spiders and preying mantis to name but a couple) also eat their male counterpart after sex….maybe we should try that too…