• Wed, Nov 17 2010

It’s National Unfriend Day! How Are You Celebrating?

I’m celebrating by unfriending probably around 100 people I don’t talk to and probably never have!

Thank you Jimmy Kimmel for creating the greatest holiday ever. National Unfriend Day is being celebrated by Facebook users everywhere today and for good reason. This is a holiday where you give the gift to yourself. The gift of freedom. Today is a day to celebrate freedom from status updates that belong on a blog I would never read, pictures of a child’s puke and page invitations for causes I really could care less about.

There are a few people I already have in mind to unfriend but have yet to do so because it’s time consuming and tedious. But today, I’m doing it. I’m unfriending the following people and they shouldn’t be offended because we probably shouldn’t have been Facebook friends in the first place.

1. We met on the first day of college orientation and never actually became friends.

We were probably really excited to be Facebook friends because we had just gotten our .edu e-mails and could actually use Facebook. So we virtually consummated our friendship, yet never spoke or even said hi to each other walking to class in the four years we spent there. Your friendship is dead weight. Unfriend.

2. You’re married and obsessed with posting pictures of your marriage.

I do not want to see your honeymoon pictures. Isn’t that a private, intimate affair? I especially don’t want to see pictures of your matching wedding bands and huge rock with the beach in the background. I don’t want to see pictures of you kissing. I don’t want to see any of it. I’m happy for you. Really, I am. But your picture posting habits are annoying and make me wanna vom. Unfriend.

3. You complain about your children.

Facebook is not an open forum for you to cry and whine about your kids constantly acting out or pooping all over the place. That is what your husband/wife/mom is for. That is what a diary is for. You’re a terrible parent for complaining about your kids all over the Internet. They will have a Facebook account too one day and will see how much you resent them. Unfriend.

4. Your status updates revolve around your relationship.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. PLEASE STOP UPDATING YOUR STATUS ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU MISS AND LOVE YOUR BOYFRIEND AND HOW CUTE OR SWEET HE IS. AND PLEASE STOP MAKING YOUR STATUS ABOUT QUOTES FROM STUPID TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS. No one cares. Not even your boyfriend. The only way to stop you from spamming my news feed is to do this: unfriend.

5. You use Facebook applications and it shows.

Listen, I love Harry Potter. I really, really do. I’ve even decided my first child will be named Severus. But I don’t care how much YOU love Harry Potter. And I especially don’t care about which Harry Potter character you’re most like. I also don’t care about any other polls you may take. And I really, REALLY don’t care about certain scores of other games you’re playing. Unfriend.

6. You constantly invite me to events … and we don’t live in the same vicinity.

Mark Zuckerberg created this thing called “Groups.” Learn what it is and use it appropriately. Until then, I will continue to “Remove from events” to your stupid event I’m obviously not going to. Unless I just do this: unfriend.

7. I don’t know you.

Who are you? I don’t even remember. Unfriend.

So… Who are you unfriending today?

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