Dear Women: You’re Dirty, Filthy Jerks

I contemplated calling you assholes in the headline, but I didn’t feel like it. Yet. But, listen up my fellow ladies, I hate your stinkin’ guts. You make me vomit. You’re the scum between my toes. You know why? Because you’re disgusting pigs who don’t know how to keep a public restroom clean.

I went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One last night along with the billions of Manhattan’s comic-con attendees and obnoxious teenagers. You know you wish you were there too, it’s okay. You’ll get through it. So anyways, while waiting in the freezing cold line to be let in to the theater, I drank an entire ginormous bottle of Arizona Iced Tea. Making a trip to the restroom immediately became a priority after I found my perfect Ron Weasley viewing seat. Not only was the line for the ladies restroom a mile long, but half the stalls were toilet paper-less (either with the entire roll left on the floor rolling in wetness or just simply out) making the line even longer. Now, I know this is nothing new (poor public restroom etiquette and long lines for the ladies’ room), but after last night’s situation, I feel it’s imperative we do something about it.

Really, last night was the worst as far as public restrooms go. And I’ve been in my fair share of terrible restrooms: gas station bathrooms that smell so revolting I’m gagging just thinking about the experience, bathrooms with toilets that haven’t been flushed in weeks and one of my least favorites, the public beach restroom. You would think that women would be able to keep a restroom tidy. You would think. But apparently, there are women out there who prefer to test peeing standing up every time they go to the movies and miss their targets but fail to clean up their mess. And there are women out there who talk on the phone while you know, making some Lincoln logs, and then forget to flush because they’re preoccupied. And then there are the women out there who I think just prefer to pee on the floor. THIS is why the line for the women’s room is always so long. Because some of you are filthy and every time you fail to be clean when going about your toilet business, you make one stall less available. So the line gets backed up because you thought it would be fun to try and be a dude. No! That’s not fun! It’s gross and ruins everything. For everyone.

So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to join together to fight this problem. Next time there’s an empty stall because it’s toilet paper-less, you’re going to go in there anyways and ask the nice lady in the stall next to you for some spare TP. It’ll make the line go faster. Next time someone SOMEHOW pees on the toilet seat (seriously, I still don’t get how this is possible), you’re going to hold your nose and wipe it up. Next time you notice the floor is all slippery and nasty nast, you’re going to tell maintenance about it. Let’s be proactive. If we can’t detect who is causing the problem, we for sure can do everything we can to just keep the dang bathroom clean. It’ll make the experience more pleasant and you won’t have to feel like you want to shower after exiting the restroom. Also, I won’t have to curse you and hope that the death eaters come and suck the life out of you. Don’t make me do it.

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    • Lauren

      I went to a midnight showing of Harry Potter last night too! And I have to say I agree with you on disgusting bathrooms. I just don’t understand how it happens. I drank a “large” soda yesterday while waiting for the movie to start. 15 minutes before the epicness I went to the bathroom. The line was out the door and around he corner and when I actually got into the bathrom, it looked like half the toilets had blown up. Only 5 out of the 12 stalls were being used. It was annoying. I could have had the same hygenic experience peeing outside in the woods. At least there was soap.

      PS: How did you like Part 1? I thought it was a very good adaptation, and the things that were left out/changed didn’t detract from the story so I think it is one of the better HP adaptations. I enjoyed it a lot, but I always enjoy them on first viewing, I’ll get annoyed with it on DVD. And I cried.

    • Aj

      Amen, sister!!! It’s one thing if you accidentally (let’s give them the benefit of the doubt that it is, indeed, not on purpose) make a mess. But what is the problem with cleaning up after yourself? I get that a lot of the time in lieu of using the seat covers that are normally not even made available or covering it up with toilet paper, us ladies tend to use the “squat and hover” method, which ultimately leads to someone with bad aim getting some drops on the seat. All it takes is a quick wipedown of the seat after yourself. NOT HARD PEOPLE!!!!!!

      And how do you reconcile it within your mind/conscience to go #2 and NOT even try to flush? What is wrong with these people??? At least in a bar you can try and excuse your behavior by saying you were too drunk to exercise proper bathroom etiquette, but you can’t even handle yourself in a movie theater bathroom after a Harry Potter movie????????

      Sorry for the rant but this is one of my biggest pet peeves lol.

    • Kat

      If that was bad, just imagine how the men’s room looked.

      • bodo

        There may be piss on the floor, too, but nobody cares.

        You just don’t want to be wearing leather soles, sometimes.

    • Kiwi

      Dear women who hover: lift the fucking seat.
      Men do it when pissing from a distance, you can too. Then I won’t have to clean up after you. Nor will you start a heinous cycle of other women choosing to hover and then pissing all over the seat as well and refusing to clean up and aghmyheadexploded.

    • KM

      Loved it! Funny & spot on. The smelly grossness of our gender is transnational, I am sorry to say.

    • Gimmy

      Also, women’s toilets need to be about three times the capacity of men’s. The amount of times I have seen a thirty person+ queue for a women’s toilet and absolutely no queue for the men’s is ridiculous, and I’m pretty sure that contributes to the filth of some women’s toilets – there comes a point where a toilet will not flush any more.

    • Meg

      OMG! I went off on a rant on this subject about a month ago on Facebook, what goes on in public restrooms is disgusting chaos, I’m shocked and appalled. It’s like playing Goldilocks & the 3 toilets just trying to find a suitable stall.

    • Crystal

      I agree!!! i work in an office building and use the washrooms 2 or 3 times throughout the day. Every single time I go to the washroom I take extra paper towels so I can wipe down the counter-top. I do this every day. I’m currently debating leaving a note in the washroom stating: “Ladies, this is the washroom in an office building, not the water table in the kindergarten room. Clean up after yourselves!”

      Women always complain about men dripping pee on or around the toilet. Why don’t we practice what we preach and keep the bathroom clean.