• Tue, Nov 23 2010

Top 5 Facebook Status Updates That No One Cares About

I don’t know about you, but I’ve reached the point now where I think in Facebook status updates. “Too much pumpkin pie in the house!,” I imagine emblazoned across the top of my profile, as I plunge a fork directly into the heart of a pastry. “Good thing I have my dog to tell me it’s 5:00!,” I opine in my head, as the day draws to a close with the sound of a bark.

It’s these kinds of thoughtful meanderings that have left me considering how many Facebook status updates no one gives a shit about — and the answer is, most of them.

But some are even less interesting than others! Here, in my humble opinion, are the top 5 least interesting Facebook status updates. Feel free to leave your additions in the comments:

  1. “Cooked a turkey!” This most mundane of activities — the preparation of one of your three to five daily meals — does not deserve to be documented any more than other mundane activities, like taking a crap. If you document crapping, document your meals. Otherwise, don’t.
  2. “…is bored.” Have you ever heard the expression, “if you’re bored, you’re boring?” Well, if you’re so bored that you feel the need to tell 300 of your closest friends, by my calculations that makes you boring times 300. You should be ashamed.
  3. “Feeling sick, again.” If you have to write this, you have claimed malaise too many times. People should only hear about your sickness when you are actually sick. No one — really, no one — cares that you have another very minor headache that will clear up once you get your hands on some Advil.
  4. “…left the cleaning to her husband…and now the floor looks worse!” Don’t use social networking sites as a platform to advance ignorance and antiquated gender stereotypes. You are the problem.
  5. “Tommy finally pooped in the potty!” The faux pas that is posting about your child’s first successful shit in the toilet has been written about ad nauseam, but it bears repeating. There. Repeated.
Share This Post:
  • Anne

    Ok, maybe some people care about this… but it should not be put into a status update: Your Divorce! An acquaintance of mine literally posted page long explanations of their divorce on their Facebook status. It was ridiculous.

    • Leah

      NO KIDDING! Divorce/break ups are the worst. I get that weird embarrassed-for-someone-else feeling when I see that slew of status starting with anger, going to depression, and then that false self-confidence that isn’t fooling anyone (life is great! I can do anything I want! No one to bring ME down!). SO obnoxious!

  • Stephanie Rae

    …is up. No lie–there is someone on my friends list that announces when he awakes in the morning. Did you expect you wouldn’t? He then goes on to announce that he is eating breakfast, getting dressed, dressed–what is there to do today? Sigh.

  • BriannaW

    Anything containing the phrase “certain people”. Example: “Certain people need to learn to grow up.” Really? If you’re having problems with someone, put on your big girl panties and deal with it yourself! None of your facebook friends want to know about your drama!!!
    My personal philosophy is that if you’re using facebook for anything serious, then you’re using it wrong.

    • Cotton

      ha! This type of status update bugs the fuck out of me too. I have cousins who do this and I can never tell if they are talking about me or what (my family is way in to each others business). Some of the peeps are old too!

  • Beth

    How about anything political? Some people on my FB post constantly about politics, and they are long, boring rants. I guess FB cuts you off if your status gets too long, so they comment on their own status and continue the ranting. No one cares about your political opinions…seriously…

  • K.

    Ha, very funny! I have two ladies on my facebook, who constantly post the kind of shit nobody cares about. Either from losing their wallet and for everyone to pray they finds it, to spouting out hatred of their significant other for doing something, to some miniscule event nobody cares about. This isn’t twitter people, do not obsessively change your status with your mood. Stop marketing yourself as a product!

  • goofie

    Facebook is not only a great way to reconnect and stay in touch with friends, relatives, and interesting people. See this collection of funny Facebook Status .