The A List isn’t on Thanksgiving vacation after all. So, consequently, that means I’m not either. On the bright side, it’s probably meant to be, because there’s real-time breaking news to report about Reichen. His autobiography, a 350-plus page-turner called Here’s What We’ll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out and the US Air Force has been adapted into a screenplay. And wait, there’s more: Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford and Twilight’s Taylor Lautner are said to be among the top picks to play Reichen. Though they’re fine choices, I’d be shocked if his ego allowed anyone other than himself to play himself. But in either case, the whole idea sounds pretty much like a mile-high Brokeback Mountain (which I fell asleep watching in the theater anyway) with far less intriguing actors. It’s a fail you can add to my mistake along with the laundry list of atrocities witnessed in this week’s wreckage.
Ryan, Derek, and TJ switch teams
After a full seven episodes of hating on Austin, Ryan, TJ, and Derek decide to flip the fence and rally behind him following his bar brawl with Rodiney. Why? Because, well, they hate Rodiney even more and love shitty mai tais and sub-par sushi at Spartacus guide-approved tourist traps like Bamboo 52. It is here, over drinks and dubious laughs, where a plot known as Mainetervention is hatched.
Plan A: getting Reichen to go Rodiney-less to Maine. But when the gang approaches Reichen with the scheme, surprise surprise – he isn’t onboard. So, that brings these three man-loving musketeers to the next item on their radical gay agenda.
Plan B: force Austin to apologize to Rodiney so everyone (except MIA Mike) can go hiking, deer hunting, basket weaving, or whatever it is that fags do to each other in the woods. But there’s a problem. Rodiney isn’t open to talking to Austin. My guess is that it has something to with Austin punching him, or perhaps not being able to speak English. Nevertheless, in a last ditch effort to keep plan B alive, TJ lays it on thick in a Real World-ish, I-was-raped-as-a-child emotional plea where he likens Austin’s outrageous behavior to his own drunken stupor just three years prior. But Rodiney isn’t buying it. He doesn’t want to “pay” for Austin’s actions. And to be fair, that reaction should have been expected since Rodiney is riding Reichen’s gravy train and doesn’t really seem to be paying for anything.
Which brings us to plan C: blackmail Rodiney by reminding him that Reichen, Austin, alcohol, and a secluded cabin are a relationship-destroying combination. Turns out the third time is a charm, and the tricky trio is finally able to hit the road. But not before opting for a more orangey glow with one last pre-trip spray tan while knocking on Reichen for not wanting to get bejazzled. Whatever that means.
Austin is in
So yes, the tables have turned. I believe Austin himself put it best: “Rodiney is the new Austin”. And never one to miss out on fun or fist fighting, Austin pulls up to the lakeside locale in a sub-compact Subaru. Sure, it’s at least ten Avis grades below the Porsche and BMW suburban soccer mom SUVs sported by the older A-listers, but at least he makes it abundantly clear that his classy ride has both a loud horn and an alarm to protect it from all of those Subaru-stealing thieves staked out in rural Maine.
Rodiney is out
Rodiney introduces us to Maia, his ex-girlfriend from Brazil who likewise needs subtitles. Apparently the two dated for a whole three months before Rodiney realized that she didn’t have a penis. He lets her in on Austin’s antics and concludes that he only wants “shiny and happy” people around him.
Mike grows a third leg
Senor Ruiz makes his usual pit stop to show and tell us how absolutely awesome he is. For a full five minutes, we’re able to bask in his absolute awesomeness during yet another photo shoot. Because really, where would an episode of The A-List be without a photo shoot? The theme this week is Tom of Finland – an old-school, homoerotic cartoon world where every guy is a moustached cop, sailor, or biker with triple G pec-tits and an anaconda cock. Luckily, I was able to take brief cover from the onslaught of egotism when Mike admits that the whole thing is just a wee bit narcissistic.
Reichen sings for his life
When normal people are out of work, they scour Craigslist, hunt on Monster, and apply for unemployment. But not Reichen. He’s a star. So, he begins peddling an original song about a gay relationship in the air force. It’s sort of like a social commentary in the form of a pint-sized pop song with catchy lines like “You know I love you up to the sky.” The only problem is that Reichen can’t write, play the guitar, or sing. So, when it comes time to target a high note, his voice cracks and his eyes appear to roll back in his head. I was kind of hoping he would have a small seizure to put him (and us) out of this misery. And speaking of putting an end to misery, Reichen wraps things up in this installment of The A-List by telling Austin during an intimate moment in Maine that he has “lost that boyfriend feeling” for Rodiney. I sense a follow up song.
It looks like camping and card games aren’t the only activities on the menu in Maine. Next week, we’re treated to a dockside drag photo shoot and some watersports (fortunately, the jet ski kind). And in a bid to make this show seem like it’s worth more than the free promotional mints I was given three weeks ago, were told that the truth will be coming out, or more accurately, “ALL. WILL. BE. REVEALED!”