How Barbara Walters Chooses Her Annual List of Fascinating People

Scene 1

Interior: Office. All furniture is taupe. All mirrors are smeared with Vaseline, and lighting should be minimal and flattering.

BARBARA: Intern? Intern? Where are you?

ASSISTANT 1: Over here. For the last time, I’m an assistant.

BARBARA: Who should I choose for my list of fascinating people?

ASSISTANT 2: Oh, you know who is awesome? Florence Welch. Her music is so innovative, and her style…

Barbara shoots her an icy stare.

Oh, um, I guess you could pick those people from Jersey Shore.

BARBARA: I have heard of that show! Don’t the kids watch it?

ASSISTANT 1: I hate that show.

BARBARA: I thought interns loved the MTV.

ASSISTANT 1: Those Jersey Shore kids are really overexposed. They’re not fascinating – you know everything about all of them already. They would have been a really good pick three years ago, and … actually, wait. Yeah, they’re perfect. I’ll get The Situation’s agent on the phone.

ASSISTANT 2: Oh, that reminds me. J.Lo’s agent called and wants her to be one of the Fascinating People. He said he’d give you a new Chanel suit and make sure she cries during the segment.

BARBARA: Have her mention The View during someone’s critique on American Idol and it’s a deal.

Fin.

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    • Jillian Engel

      Really, it should just be renamed “The Biggest Famewhores of the Year Special.”