• Fri, Dec 3 2010

High Heels Cause Brain Damage

Sartorial love is so hard in a time of snow.

When one Minneapolis woman tried to go shovel snow in stilettos she slipped and suffered major brain damage. Fox News reports:

At 28 years old she went from being a professional editor to learning simple tasks all over again.

“It was like falling down a rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland,” said Pahl. “Everything started to go away all of a sudden I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t walk I couldn’t read, I couldn’t understand what people were saying to me.”

Brain damage is seriously terrifying, and since the lesson from this article is “don’t wear high heels” I considered running out and buying some sensible flats. And then I realized there are other lessons we can take away from this. Lessons like:

1) Do not wear high heels to shovel snow.

2) Do not live in a house, where you would have snow to shovel. Do you know who shovels the snow outside my apartment? No, really, do you? I have absolutely no idea. Elves, maybe. I hope it’s elves.

3) Do not try to do things for yourself. Anything. Doing things is hard. Instead, wait for elves.  If you wait long enough, someone will come and insert pieces of fruit directly into your mouth and carry you places, the way they do with Andre Leon Talley and Anna Wintour.

4) Add some glam to your day to day tasks! It’s sexy! Wait, sorry, that wasn’t a moral of this story, that was just Cosmopolitan.

5) Jesus Christ, don’t live in Minneapolis. For that matter, don’t live in cities with “weather.” Nature is out to kill you. Didn’t The Happening teach you anything?

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