• Fri, Dec 3 2010

How to Read Your College Alumni Magazine

My university’s alumni magazine came in the mail – I know! The mail! People still do that! – yesterday.

1. Immediately skip to the announcements section from your class/decade. If you went to a large school, laugh about how annoying Becca from freshman comp now has five kids and lives in Milwaukee. If you went to a small school, laugh about how annoying Becca from freshman comp now has five kids and lives in Milwaukee.

2. Call your best friend from college while reading the announcements section and read your favorite ones aloud to her. She is not going to believe how annoying Becca from freshman comp now has five kids and lives in Milwaukee.

3. Briefly flip through other sections of the magazine.

4. Tell yourself that it’s totally worth it to keep paying for this magazine even though you only read two pages out of the whole thing.

5. Decide to read the rest of the magazine, and get swept up in inside jokes about the bad Caf food, become indignant when you hear about renovations in the quad that make it look like a nicer version of where you used to hang out, and remember that time that you thought the most difficult thing in life was choosing whether to take Early Modern Poetry or Russian Classics. Remember when you slept until noon every day and the worst thing that happened to you was a hangover from too much Purple Juice? Start thinking you’ve wasted your life. Get nostalgic. Facebook-stalk college boyfriend.

6. Compose yourself. Go back to reading about Becca from freshman comp.

7. Can you believe she had five kids?

Share This Post:
  • M.A. Burch

    Loved that I saw your name in our Alumni magazine, great work!

  • Jen Dziura

    They make you pay for your alumni magazine? That’s crazy. Ours is free — it’s supposed to remind you to donate money back to the school.

  • kitsey

    bahaha. i don’t read it at all.