• Fri, Dec 3 2010

Dirty Martini Takes on Cosmo

Readers, one can only hope that the Dirty Martini now writing for Hugh Hefner’s website, The Smoking Jacket, is none other than this Dirty Martini, burlesque star extraordinaire and person from whom I would take sex advice any day, especially over anyone calling themselves a sex advisor. In a regular monthly column, Martini does what someone should have been doing for a long time now — debunks the myths about sex perpetrated by Cosmo:

It’s high time someone turned the tables on the utterly unrealistic depictions of the male species that appear each month in the pages of Cosmopolitan. That’s where I come in. I’m Dirty Martini, and my mission is to take Cosmo articles that portray men how women want them to be and rewrite those articles from a satirical, chauvinistic point of view. By countering one extreme with another, I hope to illustrate how ridiculous each one is and remind people that real life resides somewhere in the middle.

Kindly bear in mind, ladies, that this is all taking place on the virtual pages of Playboy — maybe a little hypocritical, in terms of talking shit on magazines that allow one gender to portray the other gender the way they’d like them to be — but no need to get into technicalities. The idea is fabulous, especially if it’s the Martini I think it is.

In this month’s column, Martini spoofs a Cosmo article that suggests that you get your mouth warm by drinking tea before slobbing his knob, and that you periodically remove his manhood from your piehole in order to sip more and re-heat your cock-warmer.

Yes, it’s as absurd as all that, and to counter it, Martini suggests that what women should really be warming up for our men are things like ovens, irons and showers:

There’s nothing wrong with applying some warmth; women just shouldn’t do so in any of the ways recommended in Cosmo. They should instead engage in the following heat-related activities that will truly. Electrify. Every. Single. Fiber. Of his being.

[For instance...]Preheat the oven to the recommended temperature so his steak or frozen pizza will be evenly cooked and piping hot when the dinner bell rings….

And so on. Previous columns have included why “he” — you know, the nameless, faceless man that is the same as every other nameless, faceless man that you will ever meet, fuck, date or marry — actually doesn’t want a hand job, and debunking so-called quotes from men about what they want you to do when they’re about to come.

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