• Wed, Dec 8 2010

The Misanthropologist: What Singles Can Do With a ‘Couples Vibrator’

I wanted to entitle this piece, “We Be Vibin’: Things To Do With Your Couples Vibrator If No One Will Fuck You,” but that struck me as wordy.

Anyway, no one will fuck me. Which is why I took it as kind of a devastating blow when the usually nice people at WeVibe (don’t click that, it’s a goddamn vibrator site) sent The Gloss a WeVibe and The Gloss ladies–possessed of a cruel and vociferous wit all–forwarded it along to me (Ed. Note: They sent a couple, and you can get your mitts on one by entering our giveaway).

If you’re unfamiliar with the WeVibe, it works like this: one end of it goes on top of a dick while simultaneously inside a vagina. The other end–which looks unsettlingly like a face–stimulates the clitoris (for a brief graphic instructional on how this works, Crushable’s Drew Grant and The Gloss’ Ashley Cardiff made a crude drawing).

So, at first I was like, “Why did they send me a purple vibrating silicone newt?”

And then I was like, “Ooooh. It’s an axolotl.”

And then I read the packaging and realized that the people at WeVibe were suggesting I put their purple vibrating silicone Axolotl inside of me. (Sexolotl?)

Then I realized I was drunk, so I took a cold shower and walked around the block and came back and actually read the box and saw that the WeVibe is intended for “couples” and “solo” play. But let’s be honest: you wouldn’t want to stick this thing inside of you while you’re alone, would you? It looks like a goddamn salamander.

Anyway, at last I deduced they were mocking me. The Gloss or WeVibe, I’m none too sure. But I decided to show them all by taking my new WeVibe and hanging out with it in various cool and unexpected ways. Because I’m equally petty and resourceful.

Fuck you.

(Reminder: get yourself a “cunt salamander” by offering your creative suggestions for what to do with it)

Share This Post:
  • Mallory

    dammit, why won’t the picture of the dog wearing the WeVibe open???

  • Paige

    BAHAHAHA this is fantastic

  • Dr. Belisa www.drbelisa.com

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a long long time. Great stuff :)

  • Charley

    I’m slightly disappointed – I was sure that there would be at least a handful of people waxing poetic about how inappropriate this was.

    Alas, this was brilliant. Thank you. The visuals will keep me giggling for hours. :)

  • Talley

    Amazing! Wine tag is my favorite. Even if you’re not single that thing is just … wrong.

  • Goldie

    ha! this is hilarious! I actually own a we-vibe– and to add a serious (well, not serious, but not drunk) note, i think it’s kind of meh as a couple’s toy. in theory the vibrator + penis double down is a great idea, but putting a dick and a we-vibe inside you at the same time is easier said than done. unless you use a lot of lube, it can kind of chafe your guy’s member. and the part between the vibrators is super flexible so it doesn’t really stay in place all that well when you’re having sex.

    it’s actually way better as a solo toy in my opinion. so, elizabeth, after you finish crying in your beer over being alone with a vibrator built for two, why don’t you wash the dog hair off of it try to get off? :)

    • Kobe

      I agree. Bought it for us but I use it for me. I really like it.

  • xhellsbellsx

    Haha, this was pretty funny. I’m also pretty high, but this was funny.

  • Renee

    That was very funny, I am still laughing – especially since I still can’t figure out how you would use this thing for it’s true purpose!

  • NK

    As always Ms. Richard’s post’s are LOL. I do think she missed a few applications though…A colorful replacement for professional athlete’s breatheasy strips (ya know those drab black strips worn on the nose to open nasel passages. A benign nail clipper – toe or finger, your choice. Forget the designer dog, what about an ear muffler for a midget – woops, I mean little person. Holding your page in a book. A replacement for whatever they call those things that cloth napkins go through when fine dinning. The applications are endless. I am a little sensitive re the animal crulity; that poor dog looks like his eyes are about to bulge out! Keep it up girl.

    • Jenny

      midget – woops, I mean little person = nigger – woops, I mean black person?
      Wouldn’t say the second line, would you? So, tell me, what’s the difference between those two offensive things? Get creative, explain yourself…

  • Kristina

    Wait, you’re supposed to put both that and a penis inside of you? At the same time? How is that physically possible? If I want to have a vaginal tear, I’ll give birth, thanks.