How To Keep It Classy When Running Into Your Partner’s Ex

Few things in this world make a person take immediate stock of their physical attributes as quickly as running into their partner’s ex. I don’t care how confident you are (actually, I do, and if you’re so confident that this doesn’t apply to you then you can just SFTU) — suddenly, right there in your face is a pair of tits that your man or woman once lovingly suckled, and now you have all the time in the world to think about how they compare to yours.

But no matter how many times thoughts like these cross your mind, there are ways to handle the situation with grace and dignity:

  1. Say hello first. This is a huge move. One of you is going to have to say hello, or you’ll get locked into an awkward ignore-off, especially if you’re in a crowded party. But if you’ve all acknowledged each other, you should be the first to either nod and smile somewhat warmly, if it’s from across the room, or say hello, if you’re within earshot. However…
  2. Don’t go overboard with your greeting. There’s a fine line between being classy and overcompensating…a very fine line. Unless, for some reason, you have a wonderful friendship with your partner’s ex, all that’s required of you is a friendly hello, and perhaps a “how are you.” But on the other hand…
  3. Don’t be a bitch. You and her have no beef — she might make you assess the perkiness of the girls, but she’s not your enemy or anything close to it. So don’t be catty, insulting or dismissive. Unless you’re JWoww, in which case you should take off your earrings, smear Vaseline on your face and knock a bitch out. Also, for the love of God…
  4. Don’t get possessive of your partner. First of all, gross. Second of all, no need, and nothing makes you look worse than melodramatically putting your arm around him or her, or giving them a huge kiss on the lips. You might think that this serves as a good reminder for the entire room that you won in the end, and as a message to her not to fuck with you, but really it makes you look like a douchebag.
  5. If you want, talk about your feelings with your partner later (it’s called intimacy!), but don’t go fishing with any “who’s hotter” questions. First of all, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Second of all, have a little faith that your partner chose you for the right reasons.

Once you’ve made it through the run-in, feel free to call your girlfriends and get them to agree with you that your partner’s ex is a total cuntrag and he’s way better off with you. Just know that when you do this, you’re being totally irrational, and remember that in the end, you have no reason to hate the bitch.

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    • Teenie

      all top tips. but what if your beau’s ex has made repeated attempts to “get him back” since you started dating him? is it ok to be a bitch to her then?

    • Goldie

      nice tips, but you really could have spared us “lovingly suckled.” my vagina just withered.

    • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

      Goldie, you’re welcome for helping you build character, and Teenie, I think you’d be justified at this point in busting out the Vaseline.

      • Goldie

        to thank you for the character, I found someone who wants to lovingly suckle your breasts.

        (ha, sorry, are you sure reading bad sex descriptions doesn’t build maturity, and not character?)