10 Things We Expect From Roberto Cavalli’s Nightclubs

Roberto Cavalli’s empire is on the move: news broke this week he’ll be sprinkling glamor and excess across the globe by expanding his Cavalli Club brand (which already has spots in Dubai and Florence). So says WWD:

The designer and Lebanon-based Pragma Group said they have a licensing agreement to open five Cavalli Clubs and 15 Cavalli Cafés in the next five years in cities across the Middle East, Asia-Pacific and South America, including Beirut; Istanbul; Mumbai, India; Shanghai, and São Paulo.

We are neither the type to willingly enter a Cavalli Club, nor be allowed inside a Cavalli Club, which makes a fun game of imagining what they’re like. Here’s ten qualities we’d anticipate:

1. Leopard print everything. Regular leopard print (on the walls and carpets) shall be accessorized with other kinds of leopard print: purple, green, maybe… even… zebra.

2. A package deal (including airfare) for midwestern girls who think that if they visit Cavalli Club in an exotic locale, they can be just like Carrie.

3. A hideaway bed in the storage room for Tara Reid.

4. A dress code requiring all dresses be short enough to reveal a little birth canal. Bonus: a Shirley Temple if you’re pregnant and other club goers can determine the child’s gender.

5. A permanent Kardashian Koat Kheck girl.

6. The bathroom attendant has no experience in doling out tissue or towels; she merely hands you a mirror, and politely asks, “Will you be having a mirror or a credit card?”

7. The signature cocktail will be comprised of Roberto Cavalli Vodka, Hpnotiq, diet Red Bull and a rosary floater. It will cost $400. The signature bar snack will be raw celery and your own disciplined self-satisfaction.

9. Confession booths will be installed in the champagne room, so you can have dirty, easy sex and then cleanse yourself of impurity. The confession booth will be leopard print. Doye.

10. An impenetrable cloud of Axe deodorant body spray.

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