You Need A Drink: Or Your Life Will Be Ruined

OMG, you guys, this lady gave up drinking and it ruined her life.

According to The Daily Mail one woman quite drinking and started sleeping 8 hours a night and everything was awful and nothing was ever good again, nothing, not ever. This sad, sad formerly sober lady claims:

I wrongly believed [giving up alcohol] would be good for me. I imagined I’d feel energised and healthy, and that my life would be more enriched.

Instead, I became stressed, ­reclusive and irritable. I lost friends, alienated people and missed out on family events, parties and even holidays. In short, if you’re about to start a detox — don’t.

Tell me more, lady whose life was destroyed! Tell me more!

So committed to alcohol consumption was I that when my doctor told me — after frequent tonsillitis — that I either had to stop drinking or have an operation to remove my tonsils, I chose the latter in an instant. However, in the end, my constant boozing meant I was never healthy enough to have the procedure.
By 2007, I could no longer ignore the fact that my alcohol consumption was a real problem — the skin on my face throbbed and burned after drinking, my hangovers grew worse, and my immune system dropped so noticeably after a night out that I’d often end up ill in bed.
Oh, hey, I’m pretty sure this officially makes you an alcoholic. I am saying that as someone who would snuggle a bottle of champagne with me in bed every night if I could. Like a snake. I would snuggle it like a damn boa constrictor.
And I’m normally really flippant about alcohol consumption – like, really, really, flippant – but if this lady was my friend, well, I think if you’re sick all the time maybe it’s time to start joining a… group. A group that could help. I’m not saying you’re a quitter! I’m not! I know Jesus made wine, and I know it’s fun to be like Jesus! A is for awesome and Hester Prynne. That’s all I’m saying.
My standard for this advice – my only standard, really – is “am I agreeing to unnecessary medical procedures and yet rendered too sick to go to the operation?” Like, if you wanted to donate a kidney on the black market to finance the purchase of Night Train wine, I’d say the same thing.
But, okay, you decided to give up drinking, and…

I missed my more sociable former life, but avoiding alcohol was imperative. The company I kept changed as I did, becoming more serious, more controlled. I went from being someone who stayed out late and ignored the next day to someone who came home early — and celebrated with camomile tea in bed.

So, you became a grown-up? That sucks, dude.

Nothing satisfied me more than waking up fresh and recuperated; certainly not a night out drinking.

Okay, yes, often people who have given up some sort of substance find they lose some of their old drinking/cocaine snorting buddies. But your real friends – the friends worth keeping to begin with – will go out and play ping pong with you or some shit, you know? They’ll play ping-pong with you for 9 hours. Because ping-pong is a fun game. It sounds like you are getting healthier, and I think that is great! Oh. Wait. I didn’t realize sleeping 8 hours a night was ruining your life. My bad.

Now I look back on special occasions and cringe — the family christening when I refused just half a glass of champagne for the toast; a trip to Greece with friends when I was first to bed every night and never drank a drop of alcohol.

Well, inevitably it had an impact on my relationship with my ­boyfriend. When we met, aged 27, all our dates were drunken late nights, but within two months I’d stopped drinking, so instead we cooked at home or went to the cinema. When we did go to parties, we’d end up arguing over my insistence on leaving first.

Holy Shit, you cooked!? And went to the movies!? WHY DON’T YOU JUST COMMIT SUICIDE LIFE IS AWFUL. (What about puzzles? Did you try puzzles? I love puzzles). Anyhow, sorry, I guess I never realized the kind of Dante-esque levels of Hell you’d be descending to without the Angel Rum.

On holidays I was a nightmare companion. Gone was sharing a bottle of wine over romantic dinners and cocktails on the beach. I was more concerned with staying sober and ensuring early nights.

I was so lucky that he never complained, though he now admits to feeling annoyed that I wouldn’t enjoy myself more.
Your boyfriend has clearly not seen When a Man Loves A Woman.
But, hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that people who didn’t drink were, in effect, saying “yes, I want to be a bitter friendless harpy.” Those people. Assholes. Good thing you’re over all that now! You didn’t fall off the harpy wagon, you lept and tumbled and twirled off! But it’s been a struggle, taking up consuming massive amounts of alcohol again.

I still don’t enjoy drinking as I once did, because I can’t shake the guilt which detoxing instilled in me. I have to tell myself a glass of wine is allowed, and fend off my anger.

Work through the pain!
Jesus lady, if you want to be an unabashed alcoholic, go for it, I guess. You’re a reporter, and hell, we all drink at our desks here. Functional alcoholism is a longstanding media tradition. (My first editor told me that he became a reporter for the money, and to drink at his desk, and he was joking about the money. This joke originated with the printing press). But let’s not pretend our bad habits are good for us, okay? It is not a hardship that you do not enjoy drinking to a point where you are ill every morning. That’s a good thing. I’m sorry, I can’t write anymore, because this article frustrates me, so I’m going to do some eyeball shots of vodka, toodles!
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