• Thu, Jan 13 2011

We Rank Cosmo’s “25 Fun Things To Do With Your Guy”

Cosmo has 25 tips on fun things you can do with your guy and none of them involve putting a scrunchy and/or donut on his penis! Let’s rank them on a scale of funness with “learning” being a 1 and “eating Chinese food in bed and watching Boardwalk Empire” being a 10, because it’s my personal relationship fantasy (kinky!). Got your scrunchy? Let’s begin.

Give Each Other Palm Readings to Decode Your Partners Personality.

I think witchcraft is fun. I hate asking people questions about themselves. 5.

Discover a Planet

10! YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE ROGUE ASTRONAUTS! YOU’RE LIKE “EFF YOU, NASA, GONNA GO FIND OUR OWN PLANET LIKE SPACE COWBOYS!” YOU CAPTAIN SERENITY! HOW ARE YOU SO AWESOME!? Oh, wait, you’re just buying a pair of binoculars and starting at the sky. Whatever. 2.

Pretend You’re Not In a Fight When You Are

Okay. Then let’s go to the country club and play tennis really angrily for like, 3 straight days, just play until moonlight while swearing under your breath, until the anger finally erupts in a bizarre martini fueled confrontation at 2:00 in the morning. Yeah. That’s totally fun. 1. And it only gets a 1 on the strength of familiarity and martinis.

Win At Beer Pong

This sort of stops being awesome after the age of 21, right? No, I guess it doesn’t because you’ve got mad hand eye coordination from all that time spent pretending you’re not fighting. 5.

Get VIP Couple Treatment By Having Your Guy Pretend He’s Proposing

Okay, everyone has grifter fantasies. 8.

Whip Up An Aphrodisiac

Wait, is this like palm reading? Are we back to fun with The Craft? Because I’m there! 7! No, actually I’ll just… be baking a pumpking pie? Because the smell of pumpkin arouses men? So… I’ll be baking my dude a pie? 3.

Create a Music Station You Both Love On Pandora

You can “add variety” to mix two stations on Pandora. That said, mixing The Smiths with Jack Johnson makes me feel sick in my head. 4.

Snap a Cute Couple’s Picture When There’s No One Else To Take It For You

So, at least one of you has an i-Phone. That’s nice, I guess? 3.

Get Him To Read Your Mind

Are you the scientists in the opening scene of Ghostbusters? You guys are the coolest. No? You’re just going to get him to “read your mind” by putting your hand on your hip which signals “get me out of here?” What? Lady, that’s not mind reading. That’s a seemingly innocuous hand motion. Here are the odds that he will pick up one that, also how fun it will be: 0.

Talk Dirty in a Foreign Language

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre!? Fine, that was fun. 6.

Exfoliate One Another’s Skin

To me, nothing says “sex-love” like peeling off hunks of my partner’s dried, decaying flesh with a blend of pepper and massage oil. On second thought, maybe flowers. Maybe flowers say “sex-love” better with their tiny petal mouths. 2.

Play Hooky Together

Yes, being irresponsible together is fantastic, this will never not be fun. 10.

Do Yoga Poses Together

I’m saving this for when I’m a middle aged woman having an affair with my pilates trainer. But then, it’s going to be an 8.

Enjoy Doing Nothing Together

Like, nothing, nothing? Just sitting there? Saying nothing, doing nothing, not even whittling charming woodland creatures out of tree-bark? 1.

Snag Side-by-Side Seats On a Crowded Plane

Really? Rearranging already irritable and frightened strangers strikes you as “fun?” I guess you’re the kind of couple that really likes danger. Or you’re just douchebags. I’m not sure which. But I am sure that you two can buy some magazines and be apart for the two hour duration of your flight. 1.

Kick Ass in A Karaoke Duet

Oh, you’re that couple. Well, in that case: 6.

Kiss While Dipping

Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie and Berger kiss and dip all the time and Carrie tells Miranda it’s their “bit” and Miranda stares at her like are-you-fucking-serious? and says “you need a ‘bit’?” And then Carrie and Berger break up almost immediately afterwards. Like that. Oh, also, he will drop you. 3.

Cohost A V-Day Party For Your Paired Up Friends

And then I think you should form a mob with torches to drive by your single friends’ houses while chanting “die alone, die alone, you are going to die alone.” 10!

Hook Up In A Parked Car… And Don’t Get Caught

If you do get caught you’ll be arrested for indecent exposure and go to the clink. Your mom will be so mad! On that note, why don’t you have beds? Or apartments you can go to? Or a lovely reservation at The Standard? In short, why is Cosmo targeting 16 year olds? 4.

High Five Like Pros

My boyfriend and I do like to spend the entire day high fiving each other until our palms bleed. 5.

Shut Down Annoying Couple Questions

When people ask you things like “are you guys thinking of having kids?” reply “when we know, you’ll know.” You know, Cosmo, I think you and I have really different ideas of what constitutes “fun.” For instance, on the fun scale, this is a 0.

Spoon Without Any Limbs Falling Asleep

Okay, his lower arm has to be behind his back instead of in front of his chest. Then his other arm, his arm on top, that one should be draped over your arm. Your other arm, the free arm, you can curl that under the pillow. Now hold that. Don’t move. For the entire night. 2.

Make Him Pitch A Tent From Across The Room

By staring at him for 15 seconds while thinking about him naked. He will become incredibly aroused. He won’t just think it’s a staring contest and grip the table to indicate “staring contest on.” Unless he’s insensitive. 8. Because, well, staring contests are the best.

Play Matchmaker With Your Friends

But, you know, maybe it would be best to apologize to them for the lynch mob V-Day party first. I don’t know. If you feel like it. 5.

Share This Post:
  • L

    I’m listening to Pandora right now, actually. Making a play list together, no-that’s gushy and quite frankly I think everyone but me has shit taste in music.
    Staring contests are exponentially funner than casting sheep eyes at him and trying to make him get it up.
    You know what I’d like? Someone who will quietly watch me play video games. 10.

    • Jennifer Wright

      I once played Oblivion for 12 straight hours. In my defense, I had flu at the time, but that’s not really a “defense.”

  • Meg

    Omg, I actually just read that Cosmo article today. Is it happy hour yet?

  • Ashley Cardiff

    when you invasively tested this 15 second thing on me, were you actually thinking about me naked?!

    • Jennifer Wright

      Out of respect to your never-nude tendencies, I imagined you wearing Mormon underwear.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Out of respect to your never-nude tendencies, I imagined you wearing Mormon underwear.

  • Allison

    Hahaha, that made me laugh! Thanks!

  • Nathalie

    Best. Ever.

    Lynch mobs & the follow up to that joke.

    Also Latin.

    Complete Sentences are the.

    Best. Ever.

  • Paige M.

    Wow…this was really funny. I read Cosmo like its the Bible, but this made me laugh like a hyena. Most of their ideas are ludicrous I have to say, but nevertheless, pro-love. I have to add though, whomever made this up is probably single. -_-

  • Christina

    That was hilarious. I always knew those lists were rubbish but that was the best takedown

  • Magda

    this literally made me look like a crazy person as i sit in the library avoiding class work trying not to laugh out loud. The little asian girl sitting next to me kept giving me evil side glances. I will become her friend, wait til she is single and then lynch mob her ass. =) Thanks for the idea.

  • Meri

    Bonus points for the serenity reference, also for the Craft reference, i’d forgotten about that movie.