Wedding Vows: To Love, Cherish, and Have Amazing Married Sex

Once you’re married, your sex life sucks.  Once a month, boring, going through the motions.  It’s horrible.  It’s not even sex any more, it’s an obligation. This is the only thing I had ever heard about sex after marriage.  Everywhere you turn, the butt of every married man’s joke, say goodbye to your sex life.

Well you know what? I’m calling bullshit on that.

Ya know what sex sucks?  Sex that’s awkward because you don’t know the other person that well.  Sex that you probably wouldn’t have had if you were completely sober – that definitely sucks.  What about the sex that you think will be awesome because this guy is blisteringly hot, but you spend half the time worried about how you look or what he’s thinking?  What about all those times you sucked in your stomach just a little bit more because his hand started moving towards your abdomen?  What about the times you turned down what might have been great sex because you hadn’t shaved your legs in a couple of days?

All those times, back before marriage, those times sucked.  They sucked in varying degrees, but there was a little bit of suckiness there for all of it.  And honestly, looking back at my dating life before I was married, I can come up with a lot more examples.  A guy leaving before he’s even stopped breathing heavily, embarrassment because you weren’t wearing your sexy, matching bra and panties that day.  What about if you cry after sex and the guy is a complete ass about it?

Really, I’m sure all of us could keep going.  There are a million things about sex in the beginning of a relationship that just aren’t that sexy.  Yet, people assume that when you settle down, commit and live together, your sex life will suddenly get worse?  I find this ridiculous and above all, untrue.  Sex is about a lot more than mechanics, and even those improve the more you learn about your partner’s wants and needs.

You want to know what’s great about sex after marriage?  Everything.  In a good marriage, you sleep next to someone who knows and adores every inch of your body, so there is never anything to feel self-conscious about.  Remember that awkward time when someone said, “I love you” because they were caught up in the moment, then both of you didn’t know where to go from there.  Well after marriage (or any long term commitment), whispering sweet nothings only makes the sex sexier.  And for anyone who complains about the boredom of married sex, I would say that they can’t have a very good imagination.  Either that, or they really need to work on communicating with their partner.  Because there is no better place to explore and experiment with what turns you on, then when you’re in a loving and honest relationship.

If frequency is the complaint, here’s my advice.  Roll over.  Seriously, you sleep in the same bed every night and you can’t make the time to get some?  Roll Over!  Go to bed early, stay in bed late, do whatever you have to do.  Sex has become just another thing on your check list?  Sometimes, that’s alright with me.  Sometimes, an orgasm in between finishing the laundry and watching The Big Bang Theory is just what I needed.  If that’s not what you’re looking for, then put some damn effort into things.  Be spontaneous, do something special.

But don’t ever sit back, unsatisfied with your love life and blame the institute of marriage. Being committed doesn’t stop love, both the emotional and the physical kind, from taking effort and thought.  But if you work it right, marriage can make your sex life better than any single fling you can think up.

[Writer's Note: I'm talking about marriage, because that's the most loving and committed relationship I've ever been in.  But really, I think this applies to all long-term, committed couples, whether they're married, don't want to get married or unfortunately, are denied the right to be married.]

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    • ummm

      Wait, aren’t you that chick that got married all young and had a baby young too and got divorced and remarried again and now your whole life revolves around your kid? LOL What the fuck could you possibly know about non-marital sex? And which marriage are you talking about here, your first or your second one?

      • Celia

        Ooo. Rude.

      • Amanda

        Ass. Hole. I hate people like you, “ummm.”

    • Lindsay Cross

      Actually, just to set the record straight, I had my daughter before I ever got married. SO…. I learned plenty about non-marital sex.

    • Katie

      I liked the article.

      There are so many cynics out there about marriage in today’s society, guess what, for a lot of us, it’s the best decision we’ve every made. IF, women would stop making stupid choices like dating completely shitty assholes, then they’d be more open to finding a partner whom is going to the person that makes them want to be better.

      Not all the love stories are just out there in movies, sometimes they’re that couple sitting next to you at the movies.

      Oh, and an orgasm between doing the laundry & the new episode of “The Big Bang Theory,” totally awesome!


    • Thomas

      Couldn’t agree with the article more. I was not much of a “playa” (spellcheck made me spell it that way) before marriage, but the few conversations I’ve had about it all with my married/single friends confirm all this. Besides, sex in the back of a minivan is way more comfortable that in a sportscar with a manual transmission.
      FYI, the “denied the right to be married” comment I assume refers to same-sex partners (not a guy and his dog: I know of lots of clergy who will marry gays. I don’t know of a lot of states who will give you tax perks for it, but I think looking to the state to make your marriage more real is probably a little like thinking that being single will make your sex better.

      • K

        Well, except for the fact that having the state (and the federal government) recognize your marriage confers a whole lot of benefits, tax-related, children-related, and otherwise. It’s easy to be blase about the benefits of getting hitched when you’re in the privileged majority that has the option.

    • Paige

      My marital sex is amazing. There is no one in the world I would rather have sex with. No one turns me on like my husband does. He knows what I want, and I know what he wants. Its not awkward, weird, and when were drunk having sex, it feels like the first time. Just because you get married doesnt mean sex gets old and boring, or stops completely. Its not the marriages fault; its the people in the marriage that allow it to go on that way. :)