5 Things You Can Do Besides Watch The Super Bowl

That’s right, I said it. I don’t want to watch the Super Bowl. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL.

What I do like, though — and the primary reason I go to Super Bowl parties in the first place — is to eat delicious, unhealthy food. So along those lines, here are five very enjoyable things that I might do instead of watching the Super Bowl, that you can do too:

  1. Go to Chili’s and order all the fried food that you used to devour in high school (holla, jalapeno poppers).
  2. See a movie. I guarantee (kind of) that the theaters will be empty. Buy a large popcorn and view something you want to view.
  3. Book an appointment at a salon or spa that has a notoriously long waiting list. You deserve it for all the shit you’ll get for not watching the Superbowl. You anti-American, terrorist-loving, flag-burning Nazi.
  4. Stroll around outside and listen to all the fools holed up in their living rooms, screaming the blinky box. Carry with you a few cupcakes.
  5. Stock your kitchen as if you were having a Superbowl party, then spend the two or three hours that the game is on sitting in your apartment, blissfully alone, thinking about how happy you are that you’re not doing something you don’t want to do.
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    • Lilit Marcus

      I’m sorry, the only correct response to this is “watch the Puppy Bowl.” KITTEN HALFTIME SHOW.

      • ravanemy

        Don’t you dare forget the hamster blimp!

      • Lilit Marcus

        I could never forget that! Also, I have this dream that they add bunny cheerleaders. It would be the full on adorable trifecta.

      • Ellen W.

        Comcast ondemand has Puppy Bowl previews up already! And they did have bunny cheerleaders last year!

      • Leah

        Missing the Puppy Bowl (ESPECIALLY the kitten halftime show) is the only thing I really regret about not having cable anymore.