Sometimes people at TheGloss are so open minded that our brains fall out, and we can’t remember whether or not it’s okay to spend $120,000 on a handbag. On one hand we think this Crocodile Matte Birkin is lovely, on the other, giant sized hand, we think this kind of expenditure is insane. Asshole Jen and Rational Jen are going to talk about this in a calm and civilized manner.
Rational Jen: Yes, it’s vulgar and stupid.
Asshole Jen: FUCK YOU COMMIE PINKO.
Rational Jen: I don’t think this is so much a matter of my commie pinko leanings as it is just being sensible about how you spend your money. Think about the benefit that you’re getting for things you buy, think about value. You could spend this on the down-payment on a house. You could live in a house for a long time, and it would be an investment, because you could potentially sell it for more money. Or, if you’re set in that regard, you could buy art, which will also appreciate in value. Or you could give it to charity, because changing people’s lives is priceless.
Asshole Jen: I’m sorry, that last sentence just made me spew chunks of these delicious dolphin-sticks all over the room. Because I’m laughing. Because I’m laughing so hard.
Rational Jen: I don’t know why you always hurt my feelings and keep eating endangered animals. That said, really, what’s the value of having a $120,000 Birkin?
Asshole Jen: People will recognize it and know how awesome we are. They’ll know we can buy them and make them dance like a monkey if we want to.
Rational Jen: Monkeys don’t dance.
Asshole Jen: They do when you spend $120,000 on a monkey-waltz instructor.
Rational Jen: Okay. But the people who will even recognize this bag – and correspondingly know how awesome you are – that’s a really, really tiny percentage of people. And frankly, I imagine a lot of them would find it tacky, because, while they might recognize it, they would probably not spend that money on it.
Asshole Jen: My only friends are Karl Lagerfeld, rappers.
Rational Jen: You are a liar. And okay, let’s say someone does think that it’s super cool. Okay, they see you at a party they say “that’s a cool bag.” That doesn’t even guarantee you two are going to be friends. It’s meaningless.
Asshole Jen: Is that person Karl Lagerfeld? Worth it.
Rational Jen: That would be nice. But think about the future. Even if you are wealthy, you could still go broke. And if you did, think about how silly you’d feel for having spent money that could have lasted you years on a handbag.
Asshole Jen: The only difference between you and I is that I die now, and you tomorrow.
Rational Jen: I don’t understand how quoting Sir Thomas More is in any way appropriate in this situation, and I frankly think he’d be offended.
Asshole Jen: You’ve got to live while you’re living, Boring Jen. You’ve got to spend the money while you have it. Grasp at joy any chance you’ve got, because we’ll all soon be dead! And hell, it’s our money! If we think a $120,000 handbag will make us happy, we should have it! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers have sub-par handbags!
Rational Jen: I don’t think it will really make you happy.
Asshole Jen: Who is to say!? Who!? You think that split level house you put a down-payment on will make you happy?
Rational Jen: I certainly think it’s a safer investment, for many reasons.
Asshole Jen: Maybe! Or maybe it will just become a giant albatross weighing you down! Reminding you that you never truly indulged your most outrageous whims! That you never lived!
Rational Jen: This is the same argument that is responsible for every poor choice we’ve ever made.
Asshole Jen: I’ve never considered any of those things “poor choices!” I consider them “proudest moments!” But hey, the bag. You never really know which things are the ones that will actually give you pleasure until you’ve have them for a while. As for buying it at all, hell, it all comes down to lusting for things in the end, right? You can try to come up with “reasons” for buying things, but if someone with the money sees this handbag and feels that pang of lustful desire for an object that we sometimes feel, they’ll buy it. And who can explain that feeling? Who can? Consumerism: it’s all appetite, Boring Jen. It’s always just been appetite.
Rational Jen: I’m so glad that I’ve never told you our PIN numbers.
Asshole Jen: I’m getting closer to figuring them out!
Rational Jen: Drunkenly hitting all the shiny buttons on the ATM does not constitute “figuring them out.”
Asshole Jen: Going to take to grand larceny, going to steal a million dollars worth of bags, going to become a rapper, discussion over.