• Wed, Jan 26 2011

No, You Are Not ‘A Gay Man Trapped In A Straight Woman’s Body’

Yes. I know. You enjoy shopping. You appreciate sex. You also appreciate Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Evita, and draw inspiration from her incredible true life story. That’s good. Only a monster would fail to do so.

That said, no, you are not “a gay man trapped in a straight woman’s body!” They are not the same thing. Or rather, you may be a gay man trapped in a straight woman’s body, and if you legitimately feel that way, this is a very good list of transgender resources. However, if you are just trying to say that you enjoy sex and body glitter, then, good heavens, no. No, you are not a “gay man in a straight woman’s body!” you chipper little thing, swilling your cosmopolitan. Being gay, surprisingly, isn’t an endless well dressed slumber party where you just braid each other’s hair and talk about feelings (so I hear. My gay friends could be lying because I am a bad hair braider, also, have no feelings). Your statement is false. Here is why:

1) Because you can legally get married in every state, and can play Evita at your wedding.

2) Because the population of straight women was not completely decimated 20 years ago.

3) Because people do not worry that you are trying to indoctrinate their children into a straight lifestyle. Or rather, indoctrinating people into tolerating your lifestyle.

4) No one really thinks you have an “agenda” unless you’re leading a meeting.

5) When people ask you about your sexuality, you will not have to say “I keep my private life private.”

6) People may bully you, but it won’t be because of your sexuality.

So, yes, by all means, smear on that body glitter, down those cosmos, play some Liza Minnelli. Life is a cabaret – but you’re still not a gay man in a woman’s body. Really.

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  • Eileen

    I’d say one of the most offensive things about that statement is that it implies that gay men all like glitter, musical theatre, shopping, etc. by virtue of their being gay. Newsflash: the only thing that makes a man gay is the fact that he likes to have sex with men rather than women. All that other crap is just part of the stereotype that calls gay men effeminate – that assumes gay men are less than “real” men because they are more like women, and we all know that we’re inferior.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Mumble, mumble, justification, justification, I THOUGHT PEOPLE GOT THAT. Just for the record, those stereotypes are stereotypes.

  • audrey

    the point of the post is that people play off these stereotypes, isn’t it?

    it’s like saying the most offensive thing about Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” is that he condones eating babies. well, no shit, the offense if the whole point of the piece.

    point: just b/c you think you behave like, what you think in your head, a gay man would behave like does not make you a gay man. why? b/c there is more to being gay than stereotypes.

    • Eileen

      Actually, I think the most offensive thing about Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” is that he implies that Catholic babies tend to be conceived during Lent because parents are bored since they can’t eat meat.

      My point was, the piece addressed some of the serious concerns about being gay – that there’s more to being gay than the stereotypes – without pointing out that the stereotypes are far from the reality.

  • Erin

    Yes. Thank you for this!

  • M

    WARNING: Impending rant.

    THANK YOU. It works the other way too: it annoys me endlessly when my incredibly socially retarded* brother claims to be a lesbian in a man’s body. The only thing he has in common with lesbians is that he likes women. Lesbians, BEING women, would understand the FIRST THING about women. They also tend to be comfortable around at least SOME women, and don’t tend to be convinced that the reason they can’t get some is ‘No one wants someone as sensitive as me boo hoo’. My brother, on the other hand, can’t figure out how to interact with ANY people. And he finally lost his virginity at the age of twenty-seven and a half not because he was waiting because boo hoo he’s so sensitive, but because despite his best efforts for over ten years no one would sleep with him because he’s so DENSE. And the girl dumped him in less than two months because again, he has no idea how to deal with people, let alone women. Partly because he’s convinced he’s sensitive but has absolutely no grasp of anyone’s feelings but his own, but since he THINKS he’s sensitive he just continues on while being obnoxiously self-absorbed.

    ..Yeah I’m a little bitter. And not just because every time he calls himself a lesbian in a man’s body he’s pretty much insulting non-straight women the world around [including me] by implying we work on an even vaguely similar wavelength. Being both a male and straight [not to mention the part where he's just ignorant], he doesn’t relate to ANYthing about being a lesbian that would make lesbians feel any solidarity with him.

    *NOTE: I don’t mean this in an ‘everyone rip into me because I’m insensitive to disabled people’ way. I mean this in a literal way. Like when you say ‘Cam timing on my car is so retarded it won’t start’, you’re not trying to insult your camshaft; it’s a statement of fact.

  • Mark W

    “Your pain isn’t as valid or as poignant as my pain, boo hoo.”

    This isn’t really a very compelling article except for people with an axe to grind. Everybody has their cross to bear, folks, even us privileged straight white guys.

  • Alice

    Woot!
    What’s next? “No you’re not a black man in a white man’s body ’cause you like hip-hop”.
    Props to Mark W on that one

  • Khloe

    I think the #1 reason women feel that they are a “gay man in a straight woman’s body” is because of love.

    I have fallen in love, real head-over-heals, would-die-for-you, would-change-anything-for-you love with a gay man. Three times. Three times of crazy crushing, crying, stupid love, and each time the man was gay.

    I have never felt anything so strong for straight guys. For many women, especially incredibly feminine women, super masculine straight guys are off putting, NOT attractive. So when I say I feel like a gay man inside, I mean my heart. I can’t make my heart love straight men, or at least not any I’ve met yet.

    • Michelle

      You summed up my feelings perfectly, Khloe

  • Speak for yourself truly, Tisha.

    Bitch, please. I’m planning transgender surgery, I hire rentboys as escorts, I like them smooth and twink, I’m type-A, and you have no idea who or what I am. Save your pro-marriage whine for those who offer cheese to complement it for you. Not all gays want to be married, and you’re reading one of them.

    I am more bitch than you will ever be and more man than you will ever have, and in two weeks, a cock will replace this vagina. I was born with the smelly damned thing but technology is about to fix it.

    Stay out of my business and stop speak before embarrass self. You don’t speak for all of us.

  • jan

    Yes, I am a gay man trapped in a woman’s body! And I’m proud of it!
    It’s nothing about some of these stereotypes you mentioned ( like parties and stuff) but about living a happy life !
    Please don’t write about things you can’t understand and feel. Do I write about heterosexual feelings? No. Because I don’t understand what they are.

  • Brittany M

    You might have thought your article was a quick quip and humorous, but it was really hurtful and cruel. Though you think of genderqueer women as foolish, we are strong, capable women with true feelings and a sense of belonging to our community. The next time you want to make fun of others (and I looked at your other articles — it seems to be a trend), remember that belittling others does not take away your own insecurities and shortcomings. We know who we are, and we don’t have to humiliate others to feel better, or sell ourselves out.

  • Bruce Smith

    I am not a gay person at all. When I was a teenager I went on a camp and we ask to do some thing on stage. One other teenager asked me dress up as a woman. I woman’s found myself much comfortable in a dress and did not mind the make on.
    The next morning when I when put my boy’s clothes on, it felt so unconfortable-since then I have known I have a wowan trapped in a man’s body. If I could have I would have the sex change then so most people I know would know the real me. My mother knows and she accepts this

  • Lena Ada

    Okay – I know this is probably not the place to air this, but I second Khloe, only a little less romantically. For a lot of women like me (including many of the despised fag hags), it’s not about wanting to appropriate gay male culture or history – it’s all about raw physical and emotional attraction, and it SUCKS. Being a straight woman attracted to gay men is the worst sexual preference ever. It started happening to me early enough in my life that I would appear to be wired this way. Understanding how you are put together psychosexually can be very liberating, but not if there is nothing you can do about it. Last time I checked, there is only one Eddie Izzard. Anyway, I don’t know you, and I’m guessing this was meant to be funny, so sorry for pissing on your party.

  • Alex R.

    Jennifer, we can all see you’re very adamant about this. I can understand your point of view, as I’ve heard it many times.

    Who are you to state to staunchly that such a mindset is invalid and frankly wrong? You are drawing this assumption purely from your own perception, which clearly, does not approve of the mindset you are poo-pooing. You’ve left little to no room for acceptance. Your reasons for the said statement being inaccurate are terribly lacking in true substance, as they’re all surface-concerns. You failed to acknowledge the deeper motivations, psychological make-ups, and individual choices that so many of us make and feel – The sort of clockwork that ticks away in our minds that are simply not meant to be suppressed or forced into something else.

    I’m sure you would be pleased- if I dropped my idea that I consider myself exactly that which you are finding ridiculous, and placed myself in some box that fits your approval instead. Hopefully all the other bold people here who feel offended by your rant will have caused you to open your perception a little more. Enough with the cookie cutter / category mindset, we humans need to grow up.

    • Michelle

      Hear, hear! Thank you, Alex.

  • t biscuit

    I am honestly really just confused.. when I was little, I was pretty cool with having a vajayjay once I started noticing it.. but I always felt more identifying with the male in “form” if that makes any sense.. I definitely did not feel like a girl.. stereotypically anyway. In fact i remember declaring to my mother at the age of 5 that i was a boy. Eventually i gave in, wanting to attract men..I wish I had been born a man to be honest. I never got used to the boobs. I love men though, god I love men… so I suppose that’s why I always felt like a gay man in a straight woman’s body…