The Heart Monitor: 10 Reasons Why Ladymags Will Ruin Your Life

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. “Brandy,” you’re thinking, “where do you get off telling us not to read ladymags? You write a relationship column in an online ladymag! Where do you get off?”

Guilty. But my columns are usually personal anecdotes you can relate to, or humorous advice that should be taken with a big grain of kosher salt.

But ladymags are seriously detrimental to your mental health and your sex life! They ravage your self-esteem and fill you with panic. Here’s why:

1. Let’s start with the insufferable basics. You will never, ever in a million years and after a million injections of Restylane look like that movie-star cover girl. You will never be a size 00, and you will never look good in sequined rompers and stripper heels. In fact, the more you glance at those bony-chested models sprinkled throughout the pages of your monthly mag, the more you will feel beaten down by your shapely hips and limp hair. A healthy self-esteem is paramount to a healthy relationship, and staring at those stick-thin models is more depressing than the eating disorder that made them that way.

2. Those quotes from mysterious first-named men are ridiculous. “I like a woman with a big heart, a big ass, and a big laugh!” says Derek from Brooklyn, NY. “Real men love going down — and don’t mind if the favor isn’t always reciprocated!” says Mark from Madison, WI. Who are these disembodied men? Well, they’re usually gay BFFs of editors. The real questions they were asked were, “If you weren’t gay, what kind of woman would you date?” and “What would an ideal straight man say to his girlfriend to get her in bed?”

3. All those sexy corsets, lace bras and tummy-reducing solutions look great on women who want to look good in bed or under a tight dress. But those skin-sucking underwear closets come at a hefty price. Between the shapewear and the wax job, who can afford those sequined rompers and stripped heels? Better to wear your favorite thong and suck in. It’s like a kegel for your stomach!

4. “69 Sex Positions that Will Blow His Mind” was either written by a an extreme masochist or a member of Cirque du Soleil. No one is that bendy! For those of us who like to have a lot of sex, the regular moves—missionary, doggystyle, half-sitting-up-with-a-pillow-wedged-under-your-back—work fine. Sex is not a gymnastics competition. Stay away from any sex moves with the word “Spider” or “Leaping” in their names. Hot and heavy shouldn’t result in leg cramps or back spasms … Well, not those kind of back spasms.

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    • bones

      fuck. yes. to all of this article.

    • Somnilee

      GENIUS about the gag reflex.
      There need to be more ladymags with that kind of advice, and less of the negative self esteem biz.

    • Kat

      Magazines are just packaging for ads anyways.

    • carrie

      What a fantastic way to end a Wednesday. Mad props.

      Poor lady in #6…