• Wed, Jan 26 2011

The Heart Monitor: 10 Reasons Why Ladymags Will Ruin Your Life

5. I know that section that gets up close and personal with a celebrity gynecologist is useful to some, but it just induces paranoia in others. Painful vaginal fungus you’ve never heard of? It’s lingering in your bathtub. Genital swelling stones? You might contract them. Herpes? You already have it. Use a condom for everything, including sex, blow jobs, and making out anywhere near a bedroom.

6. Who are these anonymous women with embarrassing stories? You know, the one about the women who had awkward period sex on a first date and then accidentally shat all over the guy’s bathroom and locked herself inside because she was so mortified? And then the lock broke and he had to call the fire department and the entire apartment building was evacuated and she was naked and covered in period blood? That could be you.

7. Blow job advice is always overly complicated. The last thing your boyfriend wants when you’re sucking him off is some high-pitched humming and uncomfortable junk-squeezing. Here’s some real blow job advice, ladies: no teeth, both hands, play with his balls and keep going until you swallow. Also, we hear if you squeeze your left thumb under your left forefinger, it will reduce your gag reflex. But so will one glass of wine. And so will a muscle relaxer.

8. The lists of things he’s thinking but not telling you are just reasons to be paranoid and insecure. The editors who printed “I am turned off by women who do not wax every other week” and “I’d never cheat, but I sometimes I fantasize about my secretary” should burn in lady-mag hell. Here’s what men actually don’t tell you: They are totally turned off by paranoid and insecure women.

9. These magazines will rot your brain and nobody wants to date a bimbo. Get a subscription to something worthwhile (The New Yorker! The Atlantic! Granta!) and ditch the shallow nonsense. Spend the little free time you can spare making yourself feel good, not almost-good-enough. If you’re lucky enough to have a dude, enjoy being with him and stop dissecting the relationship. If you’re single, you need to be happy with yourself before you settle down with a dude who makes you even happier.

10. You just shelled out $5 on a bunch of repetitive nonsense you could read online for free. If I were you, I’d spend the extra cash on condoms.

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  • bones

    fuck. yes. to all of this article.

  • Somnilee

    GENIUS about the gag reflex.
    There need to be more ladymags with that kind of advice, and less of the negative self esteem biz.

  • Kat

    Magazines are just packaging for ads anyways.

  • carrie

    What a fantastic way to end a Wednesday. Mad props.

    Poor lady in #6…