The only thing colder than the weather this winter has been Bridalplasty. The E! reality show just aired the season finale of its sickest, ugliest, worst reality show yet.
Bridalplasty has had its fair share of negative attention. The setup is woefully American: Pit twelve desperate engaged women with massive body insecurities against each other to compete for plastic surgeries and a dream wedding. They scream, they fight, they cry, they go under the knife and they bleed. The women form alliances and ruthlessly throw one another under the bus—and bouts of plastic surgery stitch them back up again. Most of the women have sob stories. They’re in debt and they’re miserable. This dream wedding is their last chance! That lipo is really, um, important! They need veneers, damn it!
It’s a terrible TV show. It’s sick and twisted and pathetic.
I’ve watched every episode.
Unfortunately, there’s only one television in my apartment. Lucky for me, my boyfriend always lets me hold the remote control. So he’s sat through almost every episode of Bridalplasty as I’ve laughed, gasped and gagged my way through the series. What can I say? He’s a keeper.
I know I’ve struck gold with this guy. I also know there is still more to learn about my boyfriend—and I culled a few lessons from watching him watching Bridalplasty.
1. He is extraordinarily patient with my television choices. Not only does he give me control of the remote, he never scoffs at my choices. I fill up the DVR with Bridalplasty, Barefoot Contessa, Fashion Police and random HGTV shows. He never judges me. In fact, he’ll watch whatever I want. He’s not a big fan of TV, and he tends to study shows more than enjoy them. Sometimes I caught him watching Bridalplasty with his fist under his chin. I practically expected him to take notes.
2. He is legitimately shocked when girls act like crazy psycho bitches. My boyfriend has had his share of crazy psycho bitch experiences—who hasn’t—but he’s always genuinely surprised when the women turn on each other. The contestants stare into the camera during their confessionals, their eyes turn to slits, they say something creepy—and he leaps back against the couch like he’s seen a ghost.
3. He is horrified when girls act like crazy psycho bitches. Once he’s removed his hands from his eyes, he makes me pause the show to talk about how cruel the women are on the show. “How can they vote that poor girl off?” he’ll ask, shaking his head. “Ugh, that is just so terrible. I mean, ugh.” I know, baby. Ugh.
4. He thinks most girls are pretty and don’t need plastic surgery. I’m not a ten, and I appreciate every compliment my boyfriend gives me. He’s not the kind of guy that expects women to look like plastic sacks of collagen. He was constantly flummoxed by the women that were chosen to participate in Bridalplasty. “That one’s hot!” he’d screech. “Let the heavy girl win! She has the most heart!” I’m happy to report that he doesn’t even think the heavy girl needed the surgery.
5. He has no idea who Shanna Moakler is. Who is this blond woman with asymmetrical breasts hosting a reality show about plastic surgeries? Actually, I have no idea who she is either. I mean, I had to Google her to write this column. Former girlfriend of Billy Idol, Oscar de la Hoya, and Dennis Quaid? Former wife of Travis Barker? Well okay then, that settles it. But who is Travis Barker? Ah, screw it. Moving on…
6. He freaks out during stressful reality-show sequences. When the tension is so thick you can cut it with a surgical knife, my boyfriend will hop off the couch and walk out of the room. After I call for him once or twice, he’ll yell from the bedroom, “I can’t take it! I can’t take it! It’s too much!” Finally, he’ll emerge in the doorway wringing his hands. “Which one got the lipo this week? Did she deserve it?” He’s such a reality-TV nail-biter.
7. He rolls his eyes when I roll my eyes. When you’re watching a television show about plastic surgery, weddings and bitches with your boyfriend, it’s important to be on the same page. We hate the same cake decorations and laugh at the same ugly wedding dresses. It’s like that old adage: The couple who roll their eyes together can rock and roll together.
8. He is looking forward to the next season. Okay, now I’m just projecting. But he did ask if this was the second season, which meant he assumed this show has some legs. Hey E!, any plans to renew Bridalplasty for another round of backstabbing and tummy tucking? I would really love to see how my boyfriend reacts to a group of twelve would-be grooms fighting for laser back-hair removal. Cringe.