• Thu, Feb 3 2011

How to Rock A Baby Bump

Well, Jane Krakowski said it: “Baby bump is the new black.”  On every red carpet and trashy tabloid cover, pregnant women are taking over.  Hell, even wanting a baby bump has been enough to provide some much-needed press to the Kardashian Klan.  In fact, E!’s line-up has quite a few women who think their uterus is good for a couple US Weekly covers.

We already know that being pregnant is awesome. No matter what age, from Teen Mom to Kelly Preston, there’s a preggo role model out there for you.  (That was the point of Teen Mom, right?  Teen pregnant role models? OK cover girls?)  Honestly, Hollywood makes pregnancy seem so fun and adorable.  Even the rough parts are endearing.  Mariah Carey has cravings and Marion Cotillard has a little morning sickness.  Aw, isn’t that sweet.

So if you decide to get knocked up and join the party, here are a few pointers.

It’s a non-alcoholic party. So be prepared.  Even if you can have one glass of wine a day, don’t do so in public.  It will make everyone around you nervous and uncomfortable.

Actually, you aren’t allowed to party. It doesn’t matter if you’re sipping on a virgin Cuba Libre, people will feel responsible for checking up on you.  They’ll squint sideways and whisper to their friends about how pop can’t be good for babies.  And actually, shouldn’t you be at home resting?  Or painting a nursery?  Those paint fumes will be much better for your growing fetus than all this loud music.  Plus your growing tummy is encroaching on their single, uninhibited space.

Cravings are cute, gaining weight is not. Did you know that you’re only supposed to gain 20-30 lbs while pregnant?  And your baby plus baby-pouch will weigh about 15-25 lbs.  So really, you should gain about 5 lbs of additional weight, other than the baby.  If you didn’t know this, be aware that every non-pregnant person knows this.  They know this and they’ll remind you.  So that cute “I’m eating for two” excuse, lots of people stopped buying it.  This makes me rethink my decision to have another child.  If I can’t stuff my face for nine months, what’s the point?

Buy a whole new wardrobe.  Maternity is an industry.  It’s a huge, thriving industry.  And when Natalie Portman announced her pregnancy right before awards season, that industry had the best orgasm of its life.  Really, it’s still a little shaky and short of breath.  When  you’re pregnant, even if you could use some empire-waisted dresses and peasant tops to fit that bump, don’t do it.  Buy up Liz Lange and Pea in the Pod like you’ll never be able to wear it again.  Because you won’t.  But you should still spend thousands of dollars on it.

Get Glowing. We all like pregnant women because they are adorably optimistic about motherhood and their children.  A pregnant woman’s job is to get out there and remind us of all the hope we had before we went home to no sleep, no maternity leave and “Lose the Baby Weight in 10 Days” articles.  So get out there and get emotional about what an amazing and life-changing experience you’re having.  It will give mothers something to laugh about.

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