Rational Jen has been embracing fashion week as thought it were an elegant baby peacock. And she has been learning! Learning so much! Rational Jennifer loves the learning. Meanwhile, Asshole Jennifer is hopped up on Popchips and is spewing skinny Pepsi as she tries to sing “I Got Friends In Low Places” over the runway music.
Rational Jen: I think one of the greatest privileges about living in New York and working in the fashion industry is the ability to attend New York Fashion week.
Asshole Jen: Did you actually just say you work “in the fashion industry?” You work in the “making jokes about Star Wars that peripherally tie to fashion” industry.
Rational Jen: I like to be concise. That is the very heart of the fashion industry, there. If you went to Anna Wintour’s home you would see that her bedroom is filled with Yoda figurines she made out papier mache. And I do think this is a great week because we see fashion in such a different light!Â Â Normally, we only think about clothing as it pertains to us. “Do I look good in this?” “Does this color of dress look okay on me?” that sort of thing. But seeing it here really makes you view it as an art form – and one that encompasses all these cool historical references (like the Ruffian show). Â
Asshole Jen: You know what I like about Fashion Week? All the assholes. These are my people. These people are what IÂ would be like if I weren’t forced to go through the world constantly strapped to you as though life were some deranged three legged race, Boring Jen. These people are me as I could be. They’re my dream.
Rational Jennifer: You… would be a fashion designer? The only things you draw are pornographic stick figures.
Asshole Jen: No, I would just be free to be me. Like all of these people. These people understand me. Like the lady who ran through all the rows after the show yesterday checking to see if anyone had left anything worth taking in their gift bag. Or the woman in the coat check line who, when the coat check girl told her she couldn’t check handbag because it was, you know, a coat check line, threw her bag over the partition and declared “it’s Prada, you’ll check it, dammit. And you’ll like it.” Or the 17 – at last count, Boring Jen! At last count! – people whoÂ screamed at the PR girls manning these showsÂ that they couldn’t be in the standing section, they needed a proper seat,Â because they were “very important.” As though everyone were Carine Roitfeld whenÂ half these peopleÂ just run blogs where they take pictures of themselves smiling while wearing clogs.Â Admit it. NYFW might as well be shorthand for “Asshole Festival.”
Rational Jen: Then it would by NYAF, which is not the case. Also,Â I frankly imagine “Asshole Festival” would feature more funnel cake, less Diet Pepsi in skinny and confident cans. And okay, yes, maybeÂ Fashion WeekÂ does bring out some self important qualities, but I also think that most of the people there are there because they respectÂ fashion as an art form. You can definitely have interesting conversations with people about the themes we see in the clothes. For instance, this year, everyone was able to chat a bit about how much influence Black Swan seemed to have on some of the collections. This is the only place where you can really hang out and talk to strangers you’re standing in line with about that stuff. You don’t have those conversations anyplace else. When you’re in line at the supermarket, no one strikes up a spontaneous conversation about how they feel about ruffs. I love that about Fashion Week.
Asshole Jen: Come on, some self-important qualities? Even you, Boring Jen, even you! Like when we were on the subway yesterday and some old women visiting from Georgia were talking about how it was Fashion Week and wasn’t that “a neat event”. Then one said “you know, if we visitÂ New YorkÂ in September, we should get some tickets and go to that! That would be fun.”Â And you turned around and were like, “actually, it’s an industry only event.” Really, Boring Jen? Really? You had to shut her down right there?Â You thought in September Marc Jacobs was going to be figuring out who to inviteÂ to his show and he’sÂ going to say “well, I was thinking of inviting Jen Wright, but since this old woman from Georgia is so enthusiastic, let’s give her that seat?”
Rational Jen: I was telling facts! I was teaching! It is anÂ industry event!Â You don’t just buy tickets to it as though it were Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark! She learned something!
Asshole Jen: You gonna dye your hair red so you can be more like Emily Blunt’s character in The Devil Wears Prada?
Rational Jen: No, I am not. I’m sorry, Georgia woman. I’m sorry I’m always stomping on dreams, smothering them with the pillow that is factual accuracy.
Asshole Jen: You stomp on my dreams all the time.
Rational Jen: That’s because all your dreams revolve around singing “I Got Friends In Low Places” in inappropriate situations andÂ convincing people to use “Alexander Wang” as a sexual euphemism.
Asshole Jen: You never let me start fashion week singaongs. People would like it. They’d appreciate it. You don’t appreciate me. The only person who understands me is Prada-check-bag lady, and you tell me I can’t have the kind of friends I want to have. Friends in low (emotional, spiritual)Â places. I’m sorry I showed up in boots and ruined your black tie affair with my awesomeness.
Rational Jen: You know I love you. IÂ tape your perverse stick figure drawings proudlyÂ to the fridge. Now I’m going to goÂ to learn more about the nature of beauty, and also, harem pants.
Asshole Jen: FUCK YOU I’M MOVING TO GEORGIA AND I’M GOING TO START ASSHOLE WEEK THERE AND THERE’S GOING TO BE FUNNEL CAKE DISCUSSION OVER.