(Ed. Note: The Misanthropologist will be stepping in with more frequency now that Lilit has left TheGloss, and Jennifer and Ashley will need a helping hand so that they can stay drunk like usual)
So, my colleague Jennifer Wright phoned in some sentimental bullshit about lame songs or something that I didn’t read because it didn’t have enough drawings of dinosaurs stomping people to death.
However, I did skim it and did glean it was in honor of Valentine’s Day. Do you even know about the origin of Valentine’s Day? Some Christian kept putting his cock in glory holes until a lion bit it off. I think at the Coliseum? And then I guess Old Dickless Believer went and told everyone the Romans did it (back when they were feeding Christian dicks to lions all the time because they needed something to watch while fingering each other with olive branches or whatever) and I guess he was made into a Saint because a man without a dick is like a kiss without a moustache, like Mick without Keith, like a Jonathan Safran Foer novel without me wanting to put a twee gun in my mouth, like a gay man’s Halloween costume without visible thigh, like Luke Skywalker without a lightsaber and that shrill fey whine he talks in.
So! In response, I, The Misanthropologist, have a made a mix-tape for disgusting people who don’t deserve love. Basically, these songs are 1) gross, 2) repulsive, 3) overtly sexual, 4) relentlessly unromantic and 5) will turn you off faster than you can say “Fred Durst’s lumpy peen.”
1. Enrique Iglesias “Tonight I’m Fuckin’ You”
You may already know how I feel about this shit.
2. Nickelback “Something In Your Mouth”
This is perhaps the most unsavory song ever written. I’ve linked specifically to a video with the lyrics, which are absolutely, aggressively, almost nightmarishly repulsive and become even worse when you are reminded that the man singing, “You look so much cuter…. with something in your mouth!” looks like this. He also says, “betting that her skin smells better than every flower in the desert,” which I think is from Shakespeare.
3. Next “Too Close”
This song is about getting a boner on the dance floor, which is pretty unsavory too, but I passionately long for my own dick and if I had one I would definitely run around poking people with it. And write songs about how cool it is.
4. Poison “I Hate Every Bone In Your Body (Except Mine)”
We should change this song’s title to “The Only Thing More Embarrassingly Awful Than Poison (Is Late Period Poison)”
5. Motley Crue “Glitter”
Part of me thinks the aforementioned Nickelback song is the worst song of all time. Part of me thinks it’s Motley Crue’s “Glitter,” and part of me even suspects the members of the ‘Crue are self-aware enough to know this. If Vince Neil singing, “Maybe let’s make a baby inside of you,” doesn’t unsettle you to your core, then him cooing it in a spoken word breakdown will.
6. Samantha Fox “Touch Me”
Girls can be unseemly and off-putting too, yo.
7. Paul Lekakis (pictured) “Boom Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room)”
“But Paul Lekakis, why should we go back to your room? So we can do it all night? And I can make you feel right? In that case, absolutely, I will indeed go back to your room… for a little boom boom.”
8. Gillette “Don’t Wanna Short Dick Man”
But who does, really? All they ever want to do is talk about literature.
9. Ginuwine “Pony”
Get it? It’s a metaphor.
10. Billy Squire “The Stroke”
Absolutely, bar none, without a doubt my favorite song featuring a handjob instructional.
11. KISS “I Was Made For Loving You”
If the idea of any member of KISS (but especially Gene Simmons) “loving you” doesn’t keep you awake at night, then I want to meet you and learn about moral courage. I don’t know, though. If I was drunk I might let Paul Stanley fuck me. Just kidding! I mean if he was drunk.
12. Puddle of Mudd “Control”
Yup, the “I love the way you smack my ass” song. Look at this dumb motherfucker. Look at him straining to sing these dumb lyrics like the terrible mook d-bag he is. I’d smack his ass with a hack saw while he screams apologies for this entry from the darkest period in popular music.
13. Limp Bizkit “No Sex”
If Fred Durst’s malformed, doughy white body beneath his weird little head singing remorsefully about how he “Should have left [his] pants on this time” doesn’t make your clitoris retract into your abdomen, then Happy Valentine’s day to you!
14. AC/DC “Little Lover”
Let’s end on a happy note because everybody loves AC/DC. But you know what’s super gross? This lyric: “Saw ya in the front row moving to the beat (Just movin’ and groovin’) / Killed me when I saw the wet patch on your seat.”
Secret Bonus Track
Clarence Carter “Strokin’ “
Worth every minute of your life it takes away.