• Tue, Feb 22 2011

The Heart Monitor: The Real Reason You’re Not Married

Last week, unpaid Huffington Post blogger Tracy McMillan fired up thousands of commenters with her article, “Why You’re Not Married.”

It was directed at women.

Of course it was for women! We’re the desperate, lonely sex. When an unmarried woman hits 40, she settles. When an unmarried man hits 40, he starts asking for anal sex on a daily basis. Right, ladies? We stop looking for Mr. Right and start looking for Mr. Right Now Will Work If I Can Still Get Pregnant! Can I get an “Amen”? Sisters in the back with the bad dye-jobs and unfulfilled sex lives, raise your hands!

McMillan went through all the frequent examples in which women malign other women. Her top three reasons for women being unmarried were:

1. You’re a bitch

2. You’re shallow

3. You’re a slut.

Of course, Tracy McMillan’s attention-whoring column and her branded Twitter account are screaming for a “LOOK AT ME, I USED SOCIAL MEDIA TO LAND A BOOK DEAL” type book deal. That’s how the book industry works these days. Push enough buttons and gather enough Twitter followers and you’ve got yourself a killer paperback and credibility at your high school reunion.

Unfortunately, McMillan didn’t bother covering single, unmarried men. Nope. Although she says she has been divorced three times, she turns her animosity on other women, and credits herself an expert thanks to her divorcée track record. To be fair, the column is called, “Why You’re Not Married.” Perhaps someone should write her an advice piece called, “Why You’re Not Still Married.”

But what about these single men? I know a bunch of guys in their mid-thirties who are single and lonely. And while New York City is not exactly a breeding ground for young marriages, most of these thirty-somethings are—at the very least—looking to settle down in a loving, committed relationship. My boyfriend’s friends are guilty of coming over to our place for dinner, having a few glasses of whiskey and whining about how they can’t find a quality woman.

So, are why these perfectly lovely guys still single? It’s not because they’re shallow, slutty bitches.

1. They’re emasculated by amazing women.

There’s still a glass ceiling, but women are working hard to break through it. In the midst of the latest “man-cession,” as some writers call it, women now make up the majority of the US workforce. While we haven’t caught up to their salaries, we’re getting more degrees than men and edging them off the boardroom table. So when a man leaves the office after a long day of work, he goes out with bimbos and women half his age. Yeah, 23 year olds have great bodies. But the sex appeal lies less with their looks and more with their fresh-faced immaturity.

2. They’re spoiled by how many amazing women are available to them.

This sounds counter-intuitive. Everyone knows the ratio of single men to single women in New York is skewed. But when there’s plenty of fish in the sea, guys tend to just keeping fishing. For every single, quality guy, there are too many awesome women to count. So just when a guy considers committing to one, he gets distracted by another. It seems we’ve overinflated their worth by overinflating our numbers. Men need to realize that if you give a man a date and he’ll get laid once. Give a man a relationship and he’ll get laid daily.

3. They think they’re entitled to an amazing woman.

They’ve heard that the ratio works in their favor, and they think that means they can have the best. And while it’s not uncommon to see an ugly millionaire with a leggy blonde, most of these guys are not rolling in dough. They’re rolling in the low six figures, and—after New York’s absorbent rent—are far from rich. Yet these average looking guys with average jobs and average intelligence think they deserve to date models from an Urban Outfitters catalog. Their expectations are almost as pathetic as their sex lives. I’m not saying anyone should settle, but you’ve got to be realistic if you want a real relationship.

Ladies, it’s not your fault you’re not married. When it comes to dating, both men and women can feel threatened, greedy, and selfish. And while we may have to put up with a biological clock that ticks faster than theirs, at least we don’t have to worry about going bald and losing our hard-ons.

Don’t listen to Tracy McMillan’s latest pitch to win another book deal. Sisters in the back with the bad dye-jobs and unfulfilled sex lives, raise your hands! It’s not always you. Sometimes—very often—it’s them.  

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  • Danielle

    I don’t know. What ever happened to the old fashioned: “I just haven’t met the right person yet.”?

  • Colleen

    A Facebook status rant I had about a month back on this topic:
    Why I don’t “have a man”: I didn’t realize that a man was a possession to “have” like, “I have a pair of shoes”. I spend my days working to pay the bills, so I’m busy getting shit done. Unless you know a great guy for ME (just because he is single and I am single does not mean we are good together) who I can talk to, laugh with and have a great time in bed with, keep your goddamn mouth shut. Thx. ~Love, Me.

  • hannahbeth

    If I had a penis, this article would’ve given me a hard on.

    I’m not in the sea of women that is New York, but I am in the sea of women (sometimes more accurately referred to as ‘females’) at a big state university. The guys here have a similar attitude, and I feel like the overwhelming ratio (62% F, 38% M) makes the guys feel like they can live up their glory days and tally up their conquests. Not really fair for those of us who prefer committed relationships.