• Fri, Mar 4 2011

Were You A Yoda Or An Ewok Girl? The Editors Debate.

We weren’t Dolphin, Unicorn or Horse girls because to be any of those girls we probably would have had to have 1) gone out in sunlight or 2) had friends who talked about unicorns, and since the Dungeons & Dragons kids were too cool for us, that never came up. Which is to say, I think the real question at TheGloss is “Were you a Yoda girl? Or an Ewok girl?” Ashley and I will debate their merits:

Jennifer: This is a little difficult for me to speak to because the ewoks just seem so obviously delightful and superior. Making a case for them is like making a case for why you love your dearest friend who once saved your life. I mean, all you can kind of do is turn your hands upwards because they’re so clearly wonderful and primative and kind and good. Just good. And they have little parties and hats and look like teddy bears.

So, I guess really the way I should begin is by discussing the case against Yoda. Yoda is an asshole. He’s one of those pseudo intellectual types who go around pointedly cultivating an eccentric defect to try to make himself seem as though he never leaves an intellectual bubble. If he was a person he’d be wandering around going “Oh, Elvis? No, I’ve never heard of him. I only listen to MGMT. That’s all I listen to. Because I’m an asshole.” Yoda is like that with the way he refuses to learn basic grammar. He’s the wisest creature in the universe and has been alive for a millennium and he can’t master sentence clauses? Really? In the words of Anthony Lane: break me a fucking give.

Ashley:  Okay, the case for ewoks is contained entirely within the Ewok Adventure* movies when you’re less than 10 years old. All other cases for ewoks may be brought to Warwick Davis, but then you’re just making a case for Willow.

Jennifer :  WILLOW RULES.

Ashley:  NO ARGUMENT THERE. HOW HOT IS MADMARTIGAN?

Jennifer:  OMG!

Ashley:  HE IS THE GREATEST SWORDSMAN

Jennifer:  HOTHOTHOT. Discussion over? I won?

Ashley:  Apologies. The real case against ewoks is that they appear in Return of the Jedi, and their introduction signifies the end of the original Star Wars trilogy being fucking awesome.

Jennifer:  No, no, that was signified by Jar Jar Binks. You can’t be telling me that you don’t enjoy the trilogy as a trilogy. That’s insane. It’s like the Indiana Jones set. You have to take them all as one large, beautiful, fully formed thing.

Ashley:  Wait. Back up.

Jennifer:  You’re making a terrible case for Yoda, by the way.

Ashley:  Jar Jar Binks? JAR JAR BINKS? We’re not having a discussion about the apocrypha. We’re having a discussion about the Star Wars that matters. The original trilogy.

Jennifer:  The only true one. Yes.

Ashley:  Of which Return of the Jedi is the weak link.

Jennifer:  Well, it’s lost some of the novelty… I wouldn’t say there’s a “weak link.” Does Indiana Jones have a “weak link?”

Ashley: Temple of Doom.

Jennifer: Temple of Doom is my favorite. He rips hearts out with his bare hands.

Ashley: It would be! But really, having a conversation about ewoks vs. Yoda is about why Jedi is the weakest of the three. No argument needs to be made for Yoda. He’s great.

Jennifer:  What about Jabba in Return of the Jedi? That’s CLASSIC. Okay, but we’re not discussing this.

Ashley:  The Jabba’s Palace sequence is great. No argument there. FOCUS. Jennifer, I think what you’re trying to say is that you’ve gone over to the dark side.

Jennifer:  The teddy bear side?

Ashley:  the shark jumping side.

Jennifer:  Ashley, the ewoks are, by  their nature, a charming tribe. The worst you can say is that liking them is too obvious. Which it may be. Because they’re fucking teddy bears running around being helpful. And dancing.

Ashley:  So really, you wanted Star Wars to be a movie about helpful dancing teddy bears all along. TRAITOR.

Jennifer:  Make a single point in Yoda’s favor, jerk.

Ashley:  He looks cute in Luke’s backpack.

Jennifer: Okay, no one can dispute that. But that’s because he’s an asshole space leprechaun.

Ashley:  JUST LIKE YOU. But yeah, I kind of see that.

Jennifer:  So, ewoks for the win?

Ashley:  No, Jennifer. No. All your points for ewoks are my points against.

Jennifer:  You hate happy teddy bears dancing? And helping? You are a monster.

Ashley:  You’re just like the kids at school who made fun of me for reading Star Wars novelizations. You’re the enemy.

Jennifer:  Hard it is to live in you nightmare world.

Ashley:  Ridiculed me you did.

*An ewok DIES in Ewok Adventure because they’re self sacrificing and it’s really sad. That’s just how they are. Noble. Noble is how they are.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

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Share This Post:
  • Ashley Cardiff

    What’s coming out of Luke’s nose??

  • Jennifer Wright

    He is probably bleeding out through his brain because it is so horrible to carry Yoda around.

  • Lucia Peters

    Yoda for wisdom, Ewoks for cuddling. There’s a time and a place for everything!

  • Anne

    Ewoks x1000. As children, my brother and I played a game based on the notion that we were both ewoks. It mostly revolved around wearing long coats and hats (IDK, I was 7…) but it was epic and SO ARE EWOKS!

  • K

    I watched Return of the Jedi last night, thanks to you ladies. Although I can see the appeal of Ewoks, there’s nothing like a small green man to keep you warm at night. Yoda wins.

  • Alanna

    I used to make little ewok hats out of paper bags and put them on my teddy bears. Then when I was 17 I found a stuffed ewok at Disneyland and felt I could die happy.

    • Stacy

      I may have the same plush! Ewoks are so cute!!! Star Wars Day last year when I saw a little kid (gender unknown) dressed up as an Ewok <3 and was able to take a picture with her/him I felt I could die happy

  • Boofer

    Ewoks are an aberration of George Lucas’ filthy little mind. The Return of the Jedi budget was strapped and he couldn’t afford to put grown men into full-size Wookie costumes (Endor was originally supposed to be the home planet of the Wookies. I think it’s called Sashquenkwanna or some shit –but you can look it up). Anyway, in order to keep the film on schedule, Lucas decides to kidnap a shit-load of Oompa Loompas from the Wonka factory to have them play Ewoks. At the time, the Oompa Loomp Union (ULU) was pretty close to walking off the job due to poor working conditions, shitty wages and health care…you get the picture. I guess there was a pretty serious out-of-court settlement between the two sides afterwards — but that’s neither here nor there. Lucas and Yoda simply put are just plain old bantha fodder. Ewoks rule.