Some people like bandage dresses. Some other people are wrong.
Jennifer: Let me begin by saying I own two Herve Leger dresses. I do not wear them to parties which I feel call for high fashion. I do wear them to parties where I would like to look hot. Because, unsexy though this sounds, they are like Spanx for your entire body.
Ashley: I hate how you always spring this shit on me. Like, you’ve come up with some really awesome opener that’s supposed to position you as the clear winner out of the gate. Why are you so mean? Oh. You didn’t this time. NEVERMIND
Jennifer: I HATE YOU.
Ashley: I hate you more. Why do you attend these hot parties? Is that how you feel whole???
Jennifer: As always, you have laid out no points that are not in favor of the topic. So I assume you think that bandage dresses are great, sorry you’re a hermit. Maybe I’ll bring you some soup, huh? So you don’t starve in your hovel? I’ll wear the Leger! So you can see how the beautiful people live.
Ashley: Bandage dresses are fucking tacky.
Jennifer: False. You only think that because they’ve been unfairly appropriated by Kim Kardashian. Which is, admittedly, regrettable. But she would make a button down white shirt and some slim fitting pants look tacky.
Ashley: Okay, that’s actually a good point
Jennifer: On normal women who are not all extensions and spray tan, who are normal colored, and have their hair in a chingnon, bandage dresses look SPECTACULAR. That woman on Fairly Legal? The beautiful blond? She wears them to work in every damn episode. And because she is not orange, has done her hair up in a French twist, she looks fine.
Ashley: I do associate bandage dresses with Kim Kardashian and Blake Lively and minor celebrities who show up to things like Heidi Montag and Tila Tequila. What is Fairly Legal even about? All the subway graffiti has obscured its meaning.
Jennifer: Oh, it’s about this stupid, horrible, bint whose always showing up late to things, and this beautiful blonde lawyer lady who is really punctual and just a delight. Delightful. The bint is the heroine. The lawyer is my role model.
Ashley: Sounds lame. Wow.I just don’t think dresses should be so tight and confining that you 1) can’t breathe and 2) leave nothing to the imagination
Jennifer: You can’t breathe in a bandage dress? Have you ever worn them? Are you confusing them for intricate 19th century corsetry? They’re made out of somewhat stretchy fabric, Ashley. Not real bandages.
Ashley: Are you confusing squeezing your body into ribbons of spandex with “feminine mystique”? It’s just inelegant.
Jennifer: Feminine mystique like… housework? You’re going to some sort of uncharted Betty Friedan territory here where I dare not follow you.
Ashley: If that’s a place where dresses are cut in good taste, then okay. I’LL BE FINE ON MY OWN.
Jennifer: Real talk: if you had a bandage dress you’d end up wearing it every day.
Ashley: No, I wouldn’t.
Jennifer: They push you up and hold you down in all the right places. Just give in, Ashley. Become a sex object. Let the male gaze wash over you and make you feel alive.
Ashley: I’m private. I don’t want to offer myself up on a Kardashian-approved spandex platter LIKE YOU. …hussy.
Jennifer: Out of the house, little hermit!
Ashley: I WILL STAY IN MY HOUSE
Jennifer: I’m running out of soup to bring you!
Ashley: I don’t need your pity soup OR your tacky dresses. Did you see the rainbow one Joss Stone wore? It was horrible
Jennifer: I just want you to know that someone out there – with beautifully elevated breasts – loves you.
Ashley: That actually makes me feel better.
Jennifer: And your apartment is magnificent so I’m scoping it out in case you die because you’re too agoraphobic to leave.
Ashley: If I’m going to die of anxiety, it will be alone, with dignity, and without a fucking dress Heidi Montag would like.
Jennifer: Your pajamas look pretty today.
Ashley: They do. And they make me feel lean and powerful like a man. Or a woman who would not wear a bandage dress. Or a panther.
Jennifer: I like they way they have a smiley face on them.
Ashley: It’s a skull. You keep weaving your web of lies. I’m going “out” to go get lunch, which I’ll be able to eat, because I’m not wearing a bandage dress and nervously willing my body to accommodate its horrible grasp
Jennifer: I’ll get you a little soup, shall I?
Ashley: Maybe a chowder today?