• Fri, Mar 11 2011

Fear Of Intimacy: Blowjobs Are Like Stars

Since losing my virginity at the age of eighteen, I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners. In fact, I actually have a goal to make sure my number of partners never exceeds my age; so far I’m doing an okay job at keeping that in check. Of all those flings, one-night stands, relationships, and hook-ups, I have given blowjobs to (and I’m not so great with math) less than 20% of them. More specifically, I can name all the men on whom I’ve performed the act, their last names, too! I know their birthdays and they’ve probably even met my parents… as for those I’ve fucked, those details get a lil’ hazy.

While sex is definitely intimate to a degree – it is the closest two people can physically be after all – for me, oral sex is far more intimate. To quote a friend: “well, yeah, because you’ve got cock and balls all up in your face.” True, but it’s more than that. There’s a matter of trust, of being completely comfortable and vulnerable all at once. It’s difficult, too. I’m not sure many men really think about the fact that you have your mouth open, sometimes to its widest point while someone is penetrating it, thrusting their hips in and out until they come… and then there’s a whole mouthful of a substance that, honestly, isn’t too far from the consistency of snot. And it’s not like it’s the best tasting stuff in the world, either. I’m not complaining, I’m just stating the facts.

I love giving head. If I’m smitten, I’d go so far as to say sometimes I’d rather give a blowjob than have sex. I love the idea of it, I love the sensation in my mouth, and I love the slight moans it produces from the person I’m, well, blowing. I’m pretty sure I could give a blowjob everyday under the right circumstances. Yes, even when I get married, and the sex part dies, you better believe I’ll still be on my knees begging my husband to let me give him a blowjob.

I’m not saying that I need to be in love, or even be in a relationship to do it. In fact, of those few that I have given head to, I was only in love with one of them. As for the others, they were men that I adored completely and passionately, people who made a lasting impression on my life and heart, but the “in love” factor was just never in the cards.

I feel the same way about cunnilingus. There’s no way I want someone’s mouth down “there” if there isn’t a level of intimacy in our relationship – a closeness, the ability to be completely at ease with the other person. I can’t even imagine how awkward it would be to lay there, legs spread eagle while someone I barely knows licks and laps away at the most personal part of my body. Even the thought of it makes me cringe; it wouldn’t feel good at all, I don’t care how skilled a tongue they might have.

When the topic of oral sex is brought up during sex, I politely explain: “no, I don’t do that.” I don’t apologize or make excuses; it’s simply “no, that’s not on the menu tonight, and depending on where this goes, maybe never.” I’ve actually dated people for months, and never done it, because the connection and level of comfortableness was just never reached. And if I’m not going down, he isn’t either. I’d rather be tied up, spanked, fucked in the ass than fumble around with oral sex – I guess, to me, it’s the last sacred thing you can do in the bedroom and something that I don’t take lightly.

I have friends who disagree on the matter, who would rather go down on a guy than have sex, as if they’re sort of saving themselves until the very last second to hand over the goods. Not me. Yes, I gave a blowjob before I lost my virginity because that was what my high school boyfriend wanted, but when I got older and became more aware of who I was and my sexuality, I put blowjobs in their own special section in the line-up of sex acts. And I firmly believe they deserve that special section, they’re too much fun to be thrown in with everything else.

So for me, I’ll keep blowjobs on a pedestal. Some things deserve such a place, and I can’t think of anything else that would look so pretty high up there, shining down on everything else… kinda like a star. Yes, to me, blowjobs are like stars.

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  • Carrellynn

    I 100% agree with this! I thought I was the only one who loved giving blowjobs (once you’ve reached that stage of trust) – I would give my boyfriend one in the morning and one right before bed if he would let me.

  • Betty Herbert

    Thanks for this post. I think it’s so important to talk about our different sexual styles, and to retain our choices about what we do with whom. It’s actually refreshing to recall the intimacy of blowjobs all over again!

  • Julia

    I’m so glad I came across this! Last weekend, I had one of my first “wow, some men really are assholes” moments at, surprise surprise, a frat party. I was casually making out with a boy and then he asked for a blow job (which I find to be obnoxious in the first place). When I politely said, “no, I don’t want to tonight” he acted like a baby and left. I enjoy giving head, but I agree that it is something special. I’m not saying we have to be dating, but I appreciate a little respect and maturity from the guy. Guess I won’t be finding that at any frat parties though.

  • Gabriela

    I agree completely as long as it’s being returned! “Give head, get head…” But as far as oral being up there on a pedestal, you better believe it. Oral sex is about selflessness and I don’t get girls who would rather give bj’s than put out. It’s so backwards. I would even go so far as to say that giving head and not getting it in return, or if it doesn’t lead to sex is degrading. No? For me, I have to know the respect is there, before any guy starts getting the idea he can just get me to suck his d*ck.

    • Leah

      I totally agree with your degrading comment. I understand that it might not be for all women, but I don’t really like giving head and I only do it in a special situation with a special person, and if those stipulations aren’t met I feel like a cheap whore.

      I really don’t like getting oral either though, so that might be part of my aversion to giving it.

  • Testicle

    no wonder you guys are all still single! :D

  • Eileen

    I halfway agree. For me, giving a blow job is a) something I really, really enjoy doing and b) something I do much more casually than having sex (perhaps because it can’t get me pregnant, perhaps because it puts me in a less vulnerable position, physically, perhaps because I’m a child of the Clinton administration) – but receiving oral sex is something that’s only happening if I’m crazy about you. I’ve had men ask to go down on me and politely refused, even as I eagerly deep-throated THEM (obviously these actions are not *actuallyus* simultaneous). I just don’t want your mouth down there if I don’t love you.

    • Andee

      Agree on all fronts. I’ve had sex with 5 men (over 8 years, so I’m pretty protective about who I let inside), but given BJs to about 20. To me, the feeling of being sexually in control that you get with a BJ is intoxicating. On a less empowered note, when I’m with a guy I don’t know well, a BJ also makes me feel less vulnerable (emotionally and physically) than sex does when I’m with a guy I don’t know well. But receiving head makes me feel extremely vulnerable. I want to at least trust, and if possible, love, the guy who’s doing it. The only sexual encounters I’ve regretted are the ones that included 69s or him giving me head before I knew him well.

  • Kelsey

    fantastic writing! Love this author.

  • Laura

    This is a well-written article for sure, and it’s interesting to hear about people who find giving the beejes more intimate than intercourse. I love the feeling of power involved with a BJ…and the lack of control involved when I’m getting head…but I find having someone else INSIDE of me to be WAY more intimate. Maybe it’s my generation, but that seems to be the prominent view in my group of friends.

  • Michele

    while i dont put BJs on a pedestal, i definitely agree that there has to be some sort of trust to give a BJ. all the guys that i have given a BJ to, i have had sex with them at least once before. i dont feel comfortable giving a BJ to someone i have not had sex with. i guess having sex with a person at least once kinda establishes a little trust for me. i wont go down if i dont feel comfortable enough with someone but i am not objected to having someone go down on me! call me selfish but oh well!

    i know a lot of people see oral sex as being safer than plain ole sex but i actually have been reading a lot of articles lately about oral sex being very dangerous. i would love it if the gloss did an article about how dangerous oral sex can be.

  • Patricia

    I agree with every single word. Also agree with all the comments regarding the writing, fantastic!! It’s not everyday we see a writer discussing oral sex in such a direct way without falling into vulgar expressions or sounding like something out of a bizarre sex ed class. Loved it!

  • Jacklyn

    I so agree with this article! Thank you for writing this.

    I probably only given BJ to 10% of the guys I slept with and usually at least a few times after we have had sex.

    First, I need to feel the sense of comfort and respect. If a guy can’t even respect that I don’t swallow or pushes my head like I’m a machine, then I won’t even consider putting my face anywhere near his crotch. Second, face-to-crotch contact which includes other senses like visual, smell/scent, taste is (to me) much more intimate than sex itself.

    Once, a guy whom I dated twice told me that he can always “help” by holding my nose so that I *will* swallow. I froze and never saw him again.

    Many girls think that oral sex is easier than sex. I beg to differ.
    Sadly, many guys don’t think so. They often think that if they can’t get sex, then they can at least get a BJ.

  • D

    this is the dumbest article i’ve ever read.

  • mutt

    Stupid article