What’s Your Cap’n Crunch Story?

Last week, terror ripped through throngs of web-content readers, following rapid-fire, conflicting reports about the future of one Cap’n Crunch. Because of a recent push towards nutrition by PepsiCo., the Cap’n's steadfast employer, many feared that the crunchy squares would soon breathe their last breath.

But the panic that ensued was blessedly doused, like heat inside a nuclear reactor, by the creation of a Twitter account for the seafaring breakfast mascot, wherein he reassures fans that: “I’m not going anywhere, and neither is my cereal. But thanks for being concerned!”

Phew. Now, children, let me tell you how the removal of the captain from the cereal market would have been the impetus for a period of mourning of indeterminate length in my life. Because it wasn’t as a child that I fell in love with the captain — it was in college. A much more mature kind of love, if you ask me…

The captain saw me through many a tough night of studying, myriad three a.m. feedings, and several — I feel certain — snackouts (read: snack during a blackout). Without his selfless proffering of reliable sustenance, I truly don’t know how I would have survived my freshman year. After all, one can’t subsist on cafeteria fro-yo alone — what are we, barbarians?

So, what about you – what’s your Cap’n Crunch story?

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    • Stephanie Zhao

      When I was angry at my parents, I would take my cereal boxes with me into my closet because…
      A)Food Supply.
      B) They couldn’t enjoy crunchiness for the half hour I was in there.

    • Hmmm

      The second time I ever tried hallucinogens, I went into a grocery store and while walking through the cereal aisle was MENACED by an angry Cap’n Crunch carrying a spoon as he slowly loomed out of the box on the shelf across from me.

      I shit you not, scariest thing ever. My friend was with me, also tripping, and she saw the exact same thing.