• Tue, Mar 29 2011

The Worst Ice-Breakers I’ve Ever Heard

Trying to find an appropriate ice breaker is awkward. So many times when you try to draw people out of their shell you get shut down. This is made even more awkward when trying to approach someone of the opposite sex. Or the same sex, if that is your inclination. I don’t judge. God help you if it’s both sexes.

But these awkward interactions with the opposite sex are a part of life. Everyone will go through them. It’s like puberty. Sooner or later, we all go through it, and go through it with varying degrees of awkwardness and discomfort. That is, unless you are a robot, or some weird freaky alien from another planet. But I’m pretty sure that even aliens have to go through some form of pubescences.

Now, I have had some rather suave moments when it comes to encounters with the opposite sex. There have been great moments of flirtatious witticisms and incredible innuendo that have left people speechless. Please, hold your applause.

However, I have also had some very cringe-worthy moments. For example, once when I tried to talk to a boy, I had no way to break the ice other than to say, “I’m sorry you saw my underwear,” which he did before I even met him. I was standing outside of the car that he was sitting in when a huge gust of wind came and blew the skirt of my dress up to my eyebrows.

So to recap, before I have even spoken to this guy, he has seen my panties. Oh yeah, and he doesn’t speak English very well. And I was drunk. So my horrible Spanish was made even worse. FYI, saying in Spanish that you are “embarazada” does not mean that you are embarrassed with Spanish flair. That word means pregnant. So not only did I tell him I was pregnant, but I then proceeded to spill my beer on him. Yeah… That was definitely not a high moment in my life. But it must not have been that bad, because he made out with me anyway.

My point is that no one can be perfect 100 percent of the time. Not even me. But to make myself feel better after sharing that that horrifying story, pregnant with awkwardness (I’m so clever!) I have compiled a list of five moments involving the opposite sex that have been complete misfires ranging from “that wasn’t that bad” to “I would have rather had my teeth pulled sans Novocain”.

1. Not Understanding References to Happy Days is practically Un-American

I was at Lucky Strike (I will not lie, I was there to drink, not to bowl) with a few friends and one of my friends had been successfully hit on (just a tip, if you really want a girl to talk to you, buy her friends a drink, once the friends are on your side, you are GOLDEN!) so my other friend and I moved to a nearby couch. Suddenly we were approached by a guy. Let me describe this guy to you. He was wearing plaid shorts, with a prominently displayed Volcom belt buckle, and white and brown loafers without socks. He sat down and immediately began talking about how people who like Andy Warhol are just programmed by the media to think that liking him is somehow individualistic when really it’s so mainstream and blah, blah, freaking blah. To stop the ridiculous torrent of word-vomit being spewed from his lips, I cut him off and said, “You remind me of Scott Baio in his Chachi days.” He responded with a look of confusion and a “who’s that?” response. My friend and I began laughing and answered, “You know, Chachi! From Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi? The Fonz’s cousin. Everyone knows who the Fonz is.” Sadly this was greeted by a blank stare. He did not even know who the Fonz was. I, jokingly said “Come on. Not knowing who the Fonz is like, un-American or something. That’s like saying you don’t like the Sandlot.” At this he got up all huffy like and said, “I guess I’m un-American!” and walked off. This just resulted in more laughter from my friend and me.

2. Ugly Betty Lookalike:

My friend and I were enjoying a nice conversation over drinks and appetizers (you will begin to see a theme here that I like to call “alcohol”) when a guy approached us and politely inquired if we would like to attend a party that evening with him and a few of his comrades. Equally politely, we declined. Upon hearing this, he dejectedly said, “Aw, that’s too bad because you (indicating my friend) look like Kim Kardashian (no, she does not) and you look like Ugly Betty except not ugly.” Yup. That is what he said. I mean, to his credit, I have been hearing that I look like America Fererra since she came out in that Disney channel movie Gotta Kick It Up. And I suppose I should have felt complimented because, well, he did say I wasn’t ugly.

3. I Thought You Were Gay

I was at a Halloween Party. I was talking to an acquaintance, who happens to be gay. We were both under the influence of vodka, and he was going on and on about how before he came out of the closet, I was exactly the type of girl he went for. The next thing I know, he was trying to feel my tonsils with his tongue. Once I finally got him away from me, a daunting task since he is bigger and taller than me, I laughingly said, “You’re gay!” to which he just laughed, apologized and life went on.

4. Bad Dog

Now, this has actually happened to me on several occasions with different men/boys/guys/things. There I will be, sitting at a party, minding my own business when out of nowhere, a guy will come and drunkenly attempt to perform a completely unsolicited lap dance for me. Personally, I don’t like to be touched, especially by strange people. Just… STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE! So this, for me, is especially mortifying. There I will be, pinned, helpless, to my chair while a strange male rubs his junk on my thigh. It’s like being accosted by a Chihuahua. (I say Chihuahua because in my experience, the guys that do this are usually short, like my height short. I’m 5’3”). It is unpleasant, to say the least.

5. Mommy Dearest

Finally, probably this biggest misfire that I have ever encountered was when I was at a bar with friends. It was a crowded Friday night. My friends and I were walking to an open table when I was pushed up against a random guy (it was really, REALLY crowded). In something resembling a moment from a rom-com, he looked down at me (like I said, I am very short) and smiled and let out a “hey”. But the moment was lost as we were both pulled away by our perspective friends. Later that night, at a different bar, while making my way back to my friends after a potty break, I bumped into him again. This time, he stopped me to talk. He should have just kept those lips sealed. He said, “Can I tell you something?” “Sure,” I said. “You remind me of my mother.” I just looked at him, aghast. “No, I just mean, I feel connected to you!” And that’s when I dislodged my hand from his needy grip and ran back to my friends. Heads up, don’t try to pick someone up by telling them they remind you of your mom. Just saying.

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  • Allie

    Any comparison made between my group of friends and Sex and the City characters are guaranteed to get me to laugh in your face and walk away. Unfortunately, I’ve gotten a few of these. At least I’m never compared to Carrie or Miranda.

  • 3000

    Hey, I’ve got one that’s way worse:

    I was at the bar where I work, waiting for a friend – alone. And I think we all know that a lone woman in a bar = a sitting duck, pretty much. Anyway, it didn’t take long for this guy to come up to me.
    I’d seen this guy before; he’s a regular at my bar, VASTLY older than me, and he’s always being very naggy and agressive. So even before he offered me a drink, I was put off by his very presence… but yeah, so he offered me a drink, and I told him I don’t take drinks from strangers (no lie, it’s a principle of mine that keeps me from getting date raped, you know). Then he just goes completely APESHIT, yelling at me “I was just trying to be nice!!” And I say, “woah there, I’m sure you’re a nice guy” (that’s a massive lie, though, because like I said I know from previous experience that he’s a pain in the ass) “but I feel uncomfortable drinking something that some stranger hands me.” I tried explaining this to him very calmly. And then he ups the ante by saying something un-fucking-believable, I swear to Christ I will never forget this:

    “The problem with you women is that you never look at it from a man’s point of view!”

    …yeah. Going mental and trying to plead your case with some poorly disguised misogyny is totally gonna do the trick, guy >:V

    • Magda

      Yeah. Old guys are… well… strange. At a bar an older (like white hair and sagging jowls) british man tried to talk to me. And he got way to close to me, but my mom taught me to respect my elders, so I kinda just leaned back in my chair, mostly to get away from the reeking stench of alcohol that was coming off of him in waves. He tried doing a knock knock joke, but for the life of me I can’t remember how it goes. I just remember that the punch line involved somethng with “Between breasts”. And he shoved his face in my cleavage. As the bartender pulled him off of me, he drunkenly mumbled that I had “terrific breasts”.

      I felt so unclean.

  • shelley

    The nicest and most random thing a guy said to me was when I went to bar for happy hour. I wasn’t paying attention to the people sitting around in the bar because I was talking to my one of girl friends. She was in the middle of talking when a guy says “excuse me”. We both looked up and there is this handsome tall drink of water standing next to her. He said to me “I’m sorry for interrupting but I just wanted to let you know that you are a beautiful woman.” I was flabbergasted and managed a “thank you” and he walked.
    My friend was annoyed and throws her hands in the air and says (loudly) “what am I chopped liver? What the f***?” instead of saying “wow that was really sweet (which it was) or “who in the world was that (umm yes, who was that???). We continued talking and when she went to the bathroom ten minutes later I peeked around for mysterious complimenter but he had left.

    The worst was some guy who bought me a couple of beers and was hilarious. he kept doing cartman impressions from south park as well as others and I was enuinely enjoying talking with this guy thinking how cool to just talk to a guy who has no expectations of anything happening and that I don’t want to sleep with . Ha I was wrong. At the end of the night, he said he was leaving so I said goodbye. He looked at me incredously and said “That’s it? Thats all I get is goodbye?” He shoved the barstool into the bar and said “I bought you drinks tonight and you are not even going to go home with me??? I just wasted my whole night” and he stormed off. I started laughing when he was out of range but then he came back and he looked like he was going to say something then he just threw his hand in the air as if to say “nevermind” and left. Two 1.50 beers does not = a late night screw. Sorry buddy

  • Tommy

    I’d take getting compared to Miranda as a compliment.

    Really I don’t try flirting. It’s a subtle science that requires both grace and good timing and luck. Unfortunately, I possess none of these traits in any notable quantity. However, when guys hit on me, It still tends to come out equally awkward.

    For example, one night me and a few friends are out at the local watering hole dancing when a gentleman comes up to me and tries to buy me a drink. The only problem is he is hispanic and spoke no english whatsoever. He was also incredibly drunk. He started grinding on me and calling me, what his friend told me anyway, was “his beautiful angel”.

    Another fabulous encounter was with an aquaintence that I had seen periodically at my favorite coffee shop. Now this shop is famous for it’s strange people, but this guy had always struck me as relatively normal. a 6 foot athletic african american man who always had a funny joke for any occasion. I had run into him at CVS after just breaking up with a guy, and when I ran into him he did the following, in the following order:
    1. Said “HEY!!!!!” with a huge grin
    2. Came over and gave me a hug
    3. grabbed my crotch.

  • Mark

    Lets face it (sadly from much experience) Cupid is a COMPLETE BASTARD!

  • Jake

    LOL – I am about as bad as one could possibly ever get when it comes to picking up the ladies, but even I know that saying “you remind me of my mom” is an absolute no-no. HAHAHA!!!

  • George Paris

    The esiest make out I ever had was when I approached a women at a dance and said ” you look like some one I ought to know.” She went for me. I followed that up with “How do you feel about SEX?” she responded ” I like it.” The show was on.

  • Brain Long from Blacksburg VA

    A very effective ice-breaker that I have found, with most guys is, “I would toss your salad better than Caesar”. It works every time.

  • Brian Long from Blacksburg VA

    So, any hot guys out there, I would really like to toss your salads.

    • Larz Blackman

      Fuck off, faggot.

  • Larz Blackman

    “You remind me of my mom” means “This should creep her out sufficiently to stop stalking me.”

  • Sarah

    Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much?