Trying to find an appropriate ice breaker is awkward. So many times when you try to draw people out of their shell you get shut down. This is made even more awkward when trying to approach someone of the opposite sex. Or the same sex, if that is your inclination. I don’t judge. God help you if it’s both sexes.
But these awkward interactions with the opposite sex are a part of life. Everyone will go through them. It’s like puberty. Sooner or later, we all go through it, and go through it with varying degrees of awkwardness and discomfort. That is, unless you are a robot, or some weird freaky alien from another planet. But I’m pretty sure that even aliens have to go through some form of pubescences.
Now, I have had some rather suave moments when it comes to encounters with the opposite sex. There have been great moments of flirtatious witticisms and incredible innuendo that have left people speechless. Please, hold your applause.
However, I have also had some very cringe-worthy moments. For example, once when I tried to talk to a boy, I had no way to break the ice other than to say, “I’m sorry you saw my underwear,” which he did before I even met him. I was standing outside of the car that he was sitting in when a huge gust of wind came and blew the skirt of my dress up to my eyebrows.
So to recap, before I have even spoken to this guy, he has seen my panties. Oh yeah, and he doesn’t speak English very well. And I was drunk. So my horrible Spanish was made even worse. FYI, saying in Spanish that you are “embarazada” does not mean that you are embarrassed with Spanish flair. That word means pregnant. So not only did I tell him I was pregnant, but I then proceeded to spill my beer on him. Yeah… That was definitely not a high moment in my life. But it must not have been that bad, because he made out with me anyway.
My point is that no one can be perfect 100 percent of the time. Not even me. But to make myself feel better after sharing that that horrifying story, pregnant with awkwardness (I’m so clever!) I have compiled a list of five moments involving the opposite sex that have been complete misfires ranging from “that wasn’t that bad” to “I would have rather had my teeth pulled sans Novocain”.
1. Not Understanding References to Happy Days is practically Un-American
I was at Lucky Strike (I will not lie, I was there to drink, not to bowl) with a few friends and one of my friends had been successfully hit on (just a tip, if you really want a girl to talk to you, buy her friends a drink, once the friends are on your side, you are GOLDEN!) so my other friend and I moved to a nearby couch. Suddenly we were approached by a guy. Let me describe this guy to you. He was wearing plaid shorts, with a prominently displayed Volcom belt buckle, and white and brown loafers without socks. He sat down and immediately began talking about how people who like Andy Warhol are just programmed by the media to think that liking him is somehow individualistic when really it’s so mainstream and blah, blah, freaking blah. To stop the ridiculous torrent of word-vomit being spewed from his lips, I cut him off and said, “You remind me of Scott Baio in his Chachi days.” He responded with a look of confusion and a “who’s that?” response. My friend and I began laughing and answered, “You know, Chachi! From Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi? The Fonz’s cousin. Everyone knows who the Fonz is.” Sadly this was greeted by a blank stare. He did not even know who the Fonz was. I, jokingly said “Come on. Not knowing who the Fonz is like, un-American or something. That’s like saying you don’t like the Sandlot.” At this he got up all huffy like and said, “I guess I’m un-American!” and walked off. This just resulted in more laughter from my friend and me.
2. Ugly Betty Lookalike:
My friend and I were enjoying a nice conversation over drinks and appetizers (you will begin to see a theme here that I like to call “alcohol”) when a guy approached us and politely inquired if we would like to attend a party that evening with him and a few of his comrades. Equally politely, we declined. Upon hearing this, he dejectedly said, “Aw, that’s too bad because you (indicating my friend) look like Kim Kardashian (no, she does not) and you look like Ugly Betty except not ugly.” Yup. That is what he said. I mean, to his credit, I have been hearing that I look like America Fererra since she came out in that Disney channel movie Gotta Kick It Up. And I suppose I should have felt complimented because, well, he did say I wasn’t ugly.
3. I Thought You Were Gay
I was at a Halloween Party. I was talking to an acquaintance, who happens to be gay. We were both under the influence of vodka, and he was going on and on about how before he came out of the closet, I was exactly the type of girl he went for. The next thing I know, he was trying to feel my tonsils with his tongue. Once I finally got him away from me, a daunting task since he is bigger and taller than me, I laughingly said, “You’re gay!” to which he just laughed, apologized and life went on.
4. Bad Dog
Now, this has actually happened to me on several occasions with different men/boys/guys/things. There I will be, sitting at a party, minding my own business when out of nowhere, a guy will come and drunkenly attempt to perform a completely unsolicited lap dance for me. Personally, I don’t like to be touched, especially by strange people. Just… STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE! So this, for me, is especially mortifying. There I will be, pinned, helpless, to my chair while a strange male rubs his junk on my thigh. It’s like being accosted by a Chihuahua. (I say Chihuahua because in my experience, the guys that do this are usually short, like my height short. I’m 5’3”). It is unpleasant, to say the least.
5. Mommy Dearest
Finally, probably this biggest misfire that I have ever encountered was when I was at a bar with friends. It was a crowded Friday night. My friends and I were walking to an open table when I was pushed up against a random guy (it was really, REALLY crowded). In something resembling a moment from a rom-com, he looked down at me (like I said, I am very short) and smiled and let out a “hey”. But the moment was lost as we were both pulled away by our perspective friends. Later that night, at a different bar, while making my way back to my friends after a potty break, I bumped into him again. This time, he stopped me to talk. He should have just kept those lips sealed. He said, “Can I tell you something?” “Sure,” I said. “You remind me of my mother.” I just looked at him, aghast. “No, I just mean, I feel connected to you!” And that’s when I dislodged my hand from his needy grip and ran back to my friends. Heads up, don’t try to pick someone up by telling them they remind you of your mom. Just saying.