• Wed, Apr 13 2011

The Misanthropologist: Dating Based On Musical Preference Is Dumb

 

Dear motherfuckers,

I have been in a k-hole for a month and I’m pretty sure that’s because 1) I keep doing Special K and 2) am really fucking cool and 3) it may or may not be 1981 but 4) I’m pretty sure all this Special K has skewered my perception of time. Anyway, throughout this whirlwind month, I, The Misanthropologist, stumbled upon a site called Tastebuds.fm, in which pale friendless virgins with record collections can find other pale friendless virgins who think that having the same collection means you’re somehow less alone in the world. And they get you. This, of course, is hilarious bullshit.

You can’t make a relationship out of musical preferences, for one. Just look at what happened in 500 Days of Summer (or don’t, because that movie was fucking insufferable). All you need to know is what happened in the trailer: Joseph Gordon Levitt plays a regular guy who finds himself in an elevator with a girl who recognizes that he is listening to The Smiths and sings along in a straining, thin voice. What is really amazing about this (besides that fact that JGL was shocked that a brunette with bangs in a vintage babydoll liked The Smiths) is that it doesn’t fucking matter if people you want to fuck like the same stupid bands you do. Because that shit is inconsequential. Full disclosure, I don’t really know how the movie ends because I chewed my own arm off to beat the television to death so 500 Days of Summer would no longer be playing. I think it ends poorly. She marries the dude from Deathcab for Cutie or something and totally shows him.

Anyway, the Misanthropologist took this dating site for a spin and surprise! All assholes. Unfortunately, I don’t think this is a deficiency with the bands I like (granted, all the bands I like are fucking righteous) so much as this is a deficiency with the site, insofar as it attracts the kind of people who care about what music their partners listen to.

Now, as I was clicking through these profiles (“I’m a vegetarian and a dreamer,” “I love to express myself through art,” “I enjoy hiking”) and actually looking at where our musical tastes matched up, I realized that there was less overlap than I initially feared. The guy with the lip ring and a cat named Nabokov may like [sweet band] but he also likes MGMT and Dashboard Confessional. Sidenote, though, you gotta be super careful because people love lying about bands on dating profiles and social networks. If every stupid girl with an expensive haircut and a Chanel bag who claims to love The Velvet Underground on Facebook actually did they’d be bigger than fucking Jesus. AND FULL OF MORE HEROIN.

Then I realized that the best way to improve Tastebuds.fm is if you could de-select bands. Like, who cares if Lip Ring McLiberal Arts Degree likes [objectively awesome band], I don’t want to see the dreamily affected photos he took of FUCKING BRANCHES in Central Park if he also enjoys 30 Seconds to Mars. Despite the fact that we are consistent in terms of [band that I like because I have the gift of true opinion], his appreciation for emo or Coldplay or The Eagles makes him sexually unviable.

Which is when I figured I needed a dating site based on bands I hate. But because I was still rocketing back and forth in time from the ketamine, I realized what I actually needed was a dating site based on THINGS I hate. Not just bands. But everything. Humans. Sex. Babies. Myself. Late period Van Halen. Not having a dick. Cat people. Limp hand shakers.

So, I’m founding a start-up. I figure I can just e-mail around and get a couple mil in funding because they seem to just hand that shit out in New York. I did some Googling and turns out all you need is to be “active” on “social media platforms” like “Twitter” and be self-aggrandizing and untrustworthy. Or at least that’s how you get a book deal and a tag on Gawker. So, anyway, then I’ll be the founder and CEO of a dating site and just sit there in my solid gold throne in my authentic exposed brick start-up office and just radiate success and people will fornicate at my feet because they hate the same stuff and are perfect for each other because they subsist on that hate to the point of arousal. I mean, I have graphic, near-sexual fantasies about giving Pete Wentz swirlies all the time. And that’s what I want in a man also.

Or, maybe matching people romantically based on superficial preference is always stupid. I don’t know. Can’t we just sterilize everyone?

Okay, nevermind. Better idea. If you want a successful start-up you need to find the tiniest niche and exploit it until people can’t remember how they lived before your product. I’m founding a start-up that force sterilizes people based on their musical preferences and/or their receptivity to dating sites based around those overlapping musical preferences. Unless you want a world in which babies are conceived to this:

And do you really want that on your shoulders, you sick fuck?

Share This Post:
  • Allie

    I would like you to post more, so I’m now plotting ways to kill your drug dealer. Sorry in advance.

  • Dove

    I agree with Allie! Or maybe get you on coke instead so all you do is post all day long.

    David Sedaris basically has this same theory – in one of his books he lists all of the things that he hates and that his partner must hate too, and figures that, as far as having things in common they can just talk about how much they hate those things for the rest of their lives.

  • ceebee

    i got with my current boyfriend because he liked the smiths more than my old boyfriend. incidentally both boyfriends are/were complete music geeks and i realised me and old-bf weren’t working when our music tastes had become too different over the years.
    Most of the stuff me and current bf like would probably sound shit to other people but if he ever told me he’d enjoyed even a second of a kings of leon song i think my reproductive organs would wither in despair (and to prevent the idiot from coming near them ever again). i’d love to vet any potential future fux for signs of chronic music taste, it always strikes when you least expect it and once you’ve got too far to back out.

    also, i’ve never seen 500 days of summer, but i checked out the soundtrack when it came out and based on that decided the movie would be shit.

    • k

      Wow. You sound like a major bore to hang out with.

  • G

    I used to think I couldn’t date someone because they didn’t have my music taste. Now I just don’t think I can date someone who is a douche. I’ve dated guys who liked all the indie pretentious stuff that cool people are supposed to like. Guess what? Douche. I also like someone who was into The Postal Service, and he was not a douche…it was actually just insanely fun to make fun of him for it. so yeah, its all about the level of douchery for me now.

    • Leila

      One Night in Bangkok is seriously an anytime, over and over again song for me. SO GOOD. Fly that flag proudly.

  • M

    My boyfriend has HORRIBLE taste in music. I mean, he likes some good music. He also likes some music that makes me want to punch the stereo over and over. Same thing with movies, so I think a better descriptor would be just to say that he is incredibly easy to please. In the end I really can’t complain though, because if it wasn’t for his pathetically low standards he probably wouldn’t have ever gone out with me in the first place. I win.

    Like everyone, I think I have great taste in music. Unfortunately, a lot of the people whose taste in music significantly overlaps my own are insufferable hipstery folk who think stealing things to supposedly make a political statement shows the world that they’re awesome people, so why should they ever get a job? Man, supporting oneself is so mainstream *eyeroll*. Long story short: if someone likes a few of the bands I love, we’ll probably at least get along. If someone loves all the bands I love, I’m probably going to think they’re an idiot. Apparently The Establishment has gotten to me and made me too conventional for my musical tastes.

    • Jennifer Wright

      Just to contradict that “like everyone, I think I have great taste in music” statement – I’m actually absolutely certain I have terrible taste in music, based on the fact that whenever I’m facing any kind of emotional setback I listen to the soundtrack to ‘Evita’ and just draw inspiration from her incredible true life story. Oh, I also enjoy pretty much any bubblegum stuff from the 80′s like “I Want Candy” or “One Night in Bangkok.” I’m not being all ha-ha-blogger-loving-stuff-ironically here. I love it totally seriously. If I could find a “music good people hate” station on Pandora, I’d listen to it all day long.

      In conclusion: one night in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnqj31VPNoE

      Oh, also, I’m tone deaf.

  • Eileen

    My musical taste runs from “cheesy ’80s pop” to “Dvorak” to…well, pretty much anything, so I’m not sure how well I could match myself with someone based on musical tastes. BUT if he puts on a tux and takes me to the Met to see some Wagnerian opera, I will put out, and I’m not kidding.

    • Jennifer Wright

      What if it’s The Flying Dutchman, Eileen? Because that one is boring.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      it’s Wagner’s boner killing-est work, I feel.

    • Eileen

      Point taken, but still probably yes.

      Although if you’re already taking me for some Wagner, Tristan and Isolde is sex in musical form. A person hoping to use opera to get laid should know these things.

  • Hayden Tompkins

    Wow, I really love me some MGMT. Those motherfuckers understand a melody. As for opera, Wagner can get pretty bombastic. I much prefer Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor.

  • duhdah

    500 Days of Summer IS fucking insufferable. In Italics. Thank you.