Real Talk: What Happened The First Time You Got Drunk?

all syrup squishy bender

In collecting stories for today’s Real Talk, I kept making this joke about how everybody’s first time drinking was with screwdrivers, peach Schnapps or something really heinous like creme de menthe. But you know what? I was wrong. Everybody’s first time drinking was fucking traumatizing. There’s a few jolly drunk tales in here, but for the most part, the following gallery is full of 13 and 14-year-olds throwing up in painful and humiliating situations. Feel free to share equally horrible experiences in the comments.

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    • Molly

      Mine mirrored #8- except for how we got caught. Note to the underage drinkers out there: as much as your friends may tell you that Jack Daniels will “cover the taste of anything,” trying to refill the near-empty handle you stole from your dad’s booze cabinet with a mixture of liquors and water does NOT work. At all. Especially when you stumble downstairs, half drunk, looking for blankets, and find your parents sitting ominously in the living room, a glass of your modified JD on the table that your dad just tasted, and the look of doom on their faces.

    • Kate

      For my 16th birthday, my friends decided I needed to get drunk, because they all had, but I hadn’t yet because….who knows why exactly. So my birthday party was camping on an island at a lake, because our parents thought the island would keep us out of trouble. We snuck over alcohol in the form of vodka that my friend flavored with cinnamon and shot with Twizzler chasers, and whatever mishmash of beer we could steal. This was obviously not enough, so we quickly made friends with the group of 20 something construction workers at the campsite over. And they were more than happy to help me get drunk for my ’18th’ birthday. So we proceeded to get wasted on shots of rum, and then went skinny dippy. And then one of my friends started making out with the construction worker named Butters and then another friend started making out with Butters and then all of my friends were in a tent making out with old construction workers while I played guitar and fell off a stool on the beach. And then through my drunken haze, I thought that this probably was not a good idea. So I went up to the tent and threw 2 of my friends out by their belt loops and ripped the tent in the process. And then we hiked back through the woods to our own campsite. And then we returned the next night because we ran out of beer.

    • Christina

      The first time i got really drunk was for a last day of highschool party. Now I should mention 2 things. First of all, im from Denmark where the legal age of drinking is 16 and people are very relaxed about alcohol. The other thing is that the next day after the party, I had a chemistry exam. Anyway i got extremely drunk with a friend of mine on german copy Bacardi Breezers. about 4 am my brother picked me up, and when I woke up in my bed I had the worst hangover of my life. I didn’t puke, I just had the worst headache ever. As you can imagen, I didn’t study at all for that exam. But i still managed to get an A+, so I did something right :D

    • Tobi

      The first time I got drunk, I told my boyfriend that my Mom had hemorrhoids. I don’t know why. I was just drunk, I guess.

    • Dove

      I was also one of the last of my friends (at 15, only slightly behind them) and we went to a party with some older kids in the woods behind a neighborhood. I had blueberry schnopps, and beer (which I preferred instantly to the schnopps), and my friends were supposed to be staying at my house because it was closest, but of course we ended up getting separated on the walk and everyone just went to their own houses. I got home, found my beloved hamster dead in his cage, and started crying and brought his sad little dead body up to my parents’ bedroom to wake them up.
      They HAD to know I was drunk. They were probably just too tired to care.

    • porkchop

      Sometimes, when I was small, and my parents couldn’t find anyone to watch me when they went out, they would just bring me along to parties where children were definitely not invited. At one of these parties, I learned to to pour beer for tips (could anything be more disarming than a grade school child tilting a plastic cup to create the perfect head?). I didn’t actually like the taste of alcohol, but my parents did once find me polishing off a tumbler of vodka punch that some adult had given me (just like they would a frat dog…HILARIOUS). Once I realized what I’d done, I was so worried about throwing up that I actually stayed pretty sober, but it probably still counts as getting drunk, because I was FIVE.

    • Elizabeth

      I also had the unfortunate experience of drinking undiluted absinthe. Being prone to hyperbole, I laid on the ground and thought I was probably going to die.

    • ashley

      The first time I got really drunk (more than just slightly buzzed, I suppose) I was sixteen and in a tent in my friend’s backyard. I think I brought a water bottle full of a hideous mix of liquor stolen from my parent’s liquor cabinet, and my friend kept sneaking inside to steal more of her parents’ brandy. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure if this was my first time, but I guess it was my first memorable time. We got totally drunk and smoked a little pot and I ended up pissing in the grass underneath her parents’ bedroom window. The next morning I hightailed it out of there, and though I was plastered the night before, I was so young and virile that there was no hangover to be had. On a side note, two years later when she was caught with two years’ worth of empty bottles in her bedroom (and after I had stopped drinking with her) she blamed ME on “all that missing brandy”.
      I still avoid that shit at all costs.

    • Talia

      THe first time I got really drunk I was 15 years old at my cousins wedding. Luckily we were in Israel, and I was able to drink a lot with my family. I didn’t black out or puke, but by the end of the night my younger brother started telling the bartender to give me shots of water instead of vodka.

    • Arnie

      Th first time I got drunk enough to throw up I was 19. I’d been drinking plenty before then, but I’ve always had a fairly high metabolism, and never quite had enough to put me over the edge.

      But that night I was stupid enough to mix copious amounts of quantro (which turned out to be 40%, and not 14% like I’d thought) with champagne. I was at a small house party with friends who were staying the night, though, and they were rather fantastic. They confiscated my phone after I tried to text my ex, got me into my pyjamas, got me a large bucket (apparently the amounts of vomit I achieved were truly spectacular, and somewhat unending), cleaned me up, made me drink several glasses of water, and even got me to brush my teeth. All while I told them much, much more than they ever needed to know about certain things…

      And the next day three of them helped me move into my new flat.

    • breezy

      Oh god. I was 18 the first time I drank/got drunk and it was Senior Skip Day. The slackers in my class really outdid themselves with the planning so it was a pretty elaborate event in the middle of the woods. Upon my arrival, I immediately become the receiver of many “What the fuck is SHE doing here?!” looks– I was friends with everyone, they just knew I didn’t drink/party/break rules.

      Next came the part where I decided to “prove myself” by drinking with reckless abandon, like 8 shots of gin in the first ten minutes kinda reckless. It turns out I am a very compliant drunk, because I literally sucked down whatever anyone offered me– Jack, keg beer, SoCo, gin, etc. Fast forward a few hours, where I fell on a lawnmower while trying to pee, puked on everyone I’ve ever known, and called my boyfriend of the previous three years to apologize for sending him to college a virgin. 8 years later and still no more gin.

    • missy

      My first time was at 14 years old on screw drivers and Franzia at a friends house. I tried to make out with a boy that was not into it and then rode my bike into a parked van. It turned the handlebars around on my bike and totally dented the door, but I was fine…except that I still feel like an asshole when I think about it.

      Much more fun was the first time I got high. Like really high (I didn’t the first couple of times I smoked). It was at that same friend and probably the same summer and we found out where we could buy some (from the boy I tried to drunkenly kiss’ sister) and were TERRIFIED and I yelled at ‘the dealer’ because I thought we were totally getting gypped (I thought a dime bag was a full sandwich baggy). Anyway, we smoked it out of a bowl we made with tin foil and a toilet paper roll and then I went home and cut out letters from construction paper for HOURS and made a huge collage. It made no sense once I came down, but I loved it and still like to do crazy art projects when I (rarely anymore) get high.

    • Gadget

      my first time i was really drunk was about a month before i was 14. i had been begging my olde cousin to take me on his cycling weekends. they took tents and stayed away 2 nights somewhere. eventually i was allowed to go with them. we cycled for about five hours to a remote village then found a quiet field to camp overnight. we had taken No food just cerial bars for breakfast so lunch and evening meals would be bought. we had seen a small country pub in the village and decided to go there to eat. it was a warm summer evening so we got a table outside. my cousin and his friends went to order food and drinks, first they brought me a beer to have with the meal. i looked atmy cousin and he said you wanted to come on our weekend!. so i drank the beer with my meal then they asked wo wants another drink. one of the others went to the bar and got more. this went on for a couple of hours by ths time i had drank 4 beers and they were large ones. about half litre i think. toward the end of the night the others ordered “shots” of vodka. i think we had three each before it was closing time. i cannot really remember much of the walk back to the field where our tents were but the following morning i must have still been quite drunk because when we set of along the trail cycling i could hardly see straight and almost fell off the bike twice.

      the same this happened that night, but the field we were sleeping in had a lake. and on the way back to the tents, having drank a similar amount we swam in the lake at 3am and sat drinking a bottle of vodka that one of the other had managed to steal from the pub that we had eaten at. we slept until 10am then cycled for five hours to get home. it was only when i got home that i could say that i was sober again.

      my cousin asked me when we got home if i had enjoyed the weekend, i smiled at him and said yes, this was the first of many cycling / drinking weekends. mum and dad never found out about the drinking, hence i was allowed to go again…

    • Isabella

      The first time I ever got drunk was with my best friend (Word of advice #1: Especially if it’s your first time, drink with your buddies) Me and my bestie got ready at her house and started drinking around the time when we were doing each other’s makeup. We had half a gallon of Bacardi and my friend loves bartending so I let her put about 1 1/2 cups of Bacardi in my Gatorade while she made an orange juice/apple juice/bacardi drink (WoA #2: Do your makeup before or when you start drinkink if you’re a girl so you won’t fuck it up because you’re hammered as Jenna Marbles has kindly demonstrated :)) We went to my friend’s cousin’s house where she was waiting with a few friends and we set off to a famous haunted bar about an hour away. I already had a buzz so my best friend and I sat in the back and drank until we were VERY tipsy and lemme tell you when you’re drunk and in the back of an SUV you get some pretty awesome inside jokes to look back on later. (WoA #3 NEVER drink on an empty stomach, you can ask anyone experienced) We get to the bar around 10:30 and stayed there til almost one in the morning befOre we headed somewhere else. BUt while we were there we danced sang and laugh. (WoA# 4&5. When it’s you’re first time you might not want to drink straight up alcohol it’d be better to spike something like Gatorade or juice so the taste won’t be so bad and you won’t get wasted. Also, make sure you are always conscience ofthe fact that you should know when to stop. Have the balance of having fun and acting crazy but also keeping yourself nd you’re buddies from embarrassing themselves because you’re all wasted. I was definitely drunk but I knew what I was doing and didn’t let my friend go any farther than she should have. That being said I didn’t poop on the party by any means. ;)) All in all I lost my “drunk”, “bar” and “haunted place” virginity on the same night and it was awesome!

    • Aubrey

      the first time i got drunk was yesterdaay , im 14 and i was at a 4th of july partyy with kels and christina , so i started off by playing beer pongg and then drank 5 twisted ice teas , i was already stumbling everywhere and fallingg every secondd . then i drank bicardi and thats 40 percent alcohol , i was doneee , i have no clue what i diddd , but i ended up downstairs leaning against a wallll , lmfaaao ! i only remember my head spinning and kelsie’s olderbrother and friendd , which for the record were drunk too , were helping me stand up without falling . tooo funnnn !

    • Mary

      First time I got drunk I was 22. I know, long time…but up till then, I just was busy doing school and working. Turns out I have high tolerance for tequila until shot #9. Then its over with. I was hanging out with guy friends at their campsite with our dogs. After shot #10 I blacked out a little. When I came back to my senses I was in my friends tent and I had obviously slept with him. I had been a virgin. A night of firsts. The only thing I really remember is cuddling and looking at the stars together.