Jennifer: People should care about the royal wedding because it is fun and interesting.
Ashley: You’re gonna have to open stronger than, Wright. Or else every debate would just open that way. For example: “The side I’ve been arbitrarily assigned to argue is obviously better. Because it is.”
Jennifer: Someone is sleepy this morning! That someone is me. Okay, I can tell you why I personally find the royal wedding fascinating. It’s because I think we live in this age where so many people want desperately to live in public. The royal family – to the extent anyone can be in an age of twitter and facebook and modern technology in general – still maintains a certain element of privacy in their dealings.
People complain that we don’t know enough about Kate Middleton? The best thing about the royals is that we don’t know all that much about them. That means that we can still idolize them to a certain extent. No man is a hero his valet. I remember a conference a few years age where a reporter asked how William and Harry felt about their father’s impending marriage to Camilla. Prince Charles responded by muttering “these journalists, they’re just so bloody awful.” Can you imagine say, Snooki or one of the Real Housewives responding that way to such a seemingly innocuous question? They’d cheerfully go on the record about, I don’t know, pulling a train.
And I think that’s what makes it fascinating. Watching these momentous events in their lives is like the difference between reading someone’s blog and happening upon someone’s diary. Because the royals still do seem to want to live in private despite being continually thrust into the public eye. I want to see it because I feel like they don’t want me to, particularly, and are, in fact only begrudgingly allowing me insight into their private moments. You know in 1923 the BBC requested to cover a royal wedding. They were refused. Because “some people in public houses might hear it, even those with their hats on.” And I think that’s impossible to imagine now. Although there is still a tiny element of that. It still feels like we’re being allowed to see something somewhat private.
Ashley: “Here are a bunch of loosely connected observations that don’t necessarily support the side I’ve been arbitrarily assigned to argue but are compelling in their breadth.”
Jennifer: I KNOW A LOT OF FACTS. I READ THE NEW YORKER ARTICLE ON THIS TOPIC.
Ashley: OKAY, NOW WE ARE YELLING.
Jennifer: But that ‘we live in public’ thing? THAT WAS ALL ME, BABY.
Ashley: So you’re saying that the Royal Wedding has instilled in you the same prideful reaction a child experiences when cunning adults administer reverse psychology?
Ashley: I should not watch it, so I must watch it.
Jennifer: For sure!
Ashley: Okay. You could have just said that.
Jennifer: I’m going to keep my hat on! I’m going to be in a public house! Not really, I’ll be in my apartment, probably wearing a snuggie.
Ashley: God you’re sick.
Jennifer: I bought chocolate biscuits. I’m going to eat chocolate biscuits while I watch it. I’ve been staring at them in my fridge for a week thinking “as Kate and Will wed, you’ll be in my belly, chocolate biscuits.”
Ashley: Okay, now you’re being honest and I want to positively reinforce that, so…. I’ll probably let you win this debate after we argue through a few more paragraphs of non sequiturs. HOWEVER, until we negotiate those kaleidoscopic free associations characteristic of our debates, I’d like to say: shit is fucking boring. You don’t know these people. I don’t know them. It’s weird to watch them get married. Americans don’t even have a real frame of reference for what royalty is.
Jennifer: Do you like chocolate biscuits?
Ashley: If you prick us, do we not bleed?
Jennifer: They’re great because they’re biscuit on one side, chocolate on the other.
Ashley: Oh my god, are we talking about chocolate covered Digestives?
Ashley: Because honestly, I think the plain, non-chocolate ones are superior.
Jennifer: Although I will admit there is a slightly waxy texture to the chocolate that CAN coat the roof of your mouth if you eat too many too quickly.
Ashley: Well, I think the plain ones are better for dipping in stuff. Like, I don’t know, tea. Which, if you think about it, probably makes me more qualified to argue in favor of caring about the Royal Wedding… because I like tea cookies unobstructed by waxy chocolate.
Jennifer: The way the royals don’t have to coat themselves with needless self promotion? Tying back to my original argument about why the royal wedding is interesting?
Ashley: Now you’re reaching. The plain Digestive has the obviously superior texture. Because it does.
Jennifer: They’re totally boring without chocolate. I want the excitement of two flavors. I want the tongue tantilizing excitement. The way I want private and public to combine into one. One glorious media blitz of excitement.
Ashley: See, that’s interesting because in my mind, the English royal family is like a plain, unembellished tea biscuit. By which I mean, having an admirable crumb, but ultimately flavorless.
Jennifer: So… you love them?
Ashley: Yes? Are we still talking about cookies?
Jennifer: No, we were talking about the royal family and you agreed. I can’t wait for our viewing party at some absurdly early hour. I guess we both like the royal family for different reasons, except you have no reasons.
Ashley: I’ve lost sight of what I’m arguing for. Or against. What are we talking about? No. Wait. I told you already that you can have this one. It’s a gimme. Go. Be free. You’re the victor today.
Jennifer: I WON!