Remember those annoying ads for orthopedic-looking shoes that purported to be able to tone your ass to a round, bite-able firmness just by being on your feet? One (for Skechers) featured a seemingly post-coital Kim Kardashian, while others (for Reebok) featured empowering taglines like “make your boobs jealous” and a camera man who couldn’t stop staring at the spokesmodel’s ass?
If your first thought upon seeing those ads was, “I wish they made those in children’s sizes so my ten-year-old daughter could have an ass as bite-able as mine,” your wish has been granted. Skechers Shape-Ups For Girls are now on the market, and there’s even a cute cartoon ad to go with them.
The peppy commercial speaks mainly in euphemisms: “She’s got the height, got the bounce, yeah she’s lookin’ good and havin’ fun,” the colorfully attired girl band sings. Do children’s Shape-Ups purport to do something totally different from the adult ones? Because “bounce” implies they help you jump higher, and I don’t think there are tiny pogo sticks in there (though it would certainly be cool if there were). “Lookin’ good,” of course, is code for “lookin’ good in the butt,” a concept that’s reinforced by the part where the cartoon girl’s magnetic booty draws a veritable parade of demented pedophiles disguised as cupcakes. Real subtle, guys.
In conclusion, I hope I never have a daughter. Try marketing your creepy butt shoes to a little girl who doesn’t exist, Skechers.