Jennifer and Ashley spend most of their days clipping out articles about people getting high on bath salts and laughing until they choke on their spittle, a little bit. In what may be TheGloss’s most shockingly insensitive Editors Debate, they discuss whether or not they should try the “lavender scented menace.”
Jennifer: So, this is kind of an interesting debate, insofar as bath salts – at least from all the reading we’ve done about them – will provide you with no real high. They’ll just provide you with a direct descent into hell. You will seemingly believe that you are being pursued by electricity or kill your neighbor’s farm animals. Should we try them?
Ashley: You just laughed so hard you spit your Diet Coke on me.
Jennifer: I apologize.
Ashley: That was fucked up. It was like being high on bath salts and chased by thousands of murderous droplets of liquid sugar substitute. Thank god I had this compound bow and killed my neighbor’s goat. That was a close call.
Jennifer: Did you have a lovely evening with it first? Wait – was that too rough for TheGloss readership? A goat rape joke?
Ashley: The goat wasn’t interested. But after this experience, I’m extremely interested in snorting bath salts. I mean, you can get a canister of Epsom salts down at the dollar store for next to nothing! And then you’ve got a one-way ticket to spectacular violence.
Jennifer: I think we should host “Jennifer and Ashley Are High on Bath Salts Week” at TheGloss. It will be like a normal week, except we’ll be high on bath salts. So there will be less posting, more mindless running through the office in terror while gripping machetes.
Ashley: Bathed in each other’s blood! While reading Lucky magazine!
Jennifer: I think this is how they come up with ideas at Lucky. By collaborating while running desperately from electricity. So, really, wait, why do people do bath salts? I say this as someone who has never done a non-prescription drug. Which is to say, I don’t know if people like hell-journeys.
Ashley: I mean, from every single news article we’ve obsessively poured over on the subject, it would seem bath salts provide nothing but a kind of entrance to the realm of nightmares and in order to get out you must be like Orpheus, marauding the land of the dead armed with a machete. And maybe sexually assaulting livestock.
Jennifer: I think Orpheus just sang some little songs, right?
Ashley: Hm. Probably.
Jennifer: Wow, Orpheus was a pansy who totally used bath salts for bathing purposes as directed.
Ashley: It was poetic. He was ascending the path out of hell and he couldn’t resist turning around for one last opportunity to cut open his own abdomen from groin to sternum. But no, to answer your question, I don’t know why anyone would snort bath salts. But it sounds a lot like why anyone in a bad area from a shitty situation would do an unbelievably horrible drug like crack or meth: to escape by any means necessary that horrible situation. However, I think you and I are entertained by bath salts because 1) the stories that comprise bath salt mythology are all outrageous, 2) you can get them everywhere, 3) the seem to provide no real pleasure only opulent, extravagant nightmare visions and 4) goats.
Ashley: I mean, on the one hand, it’s kind of insensitive that we’re relishing in this madness, on the other, it’s impossible to deny that the absurdity of bath salt-related violence is practically… voluptuous.
Jennifer: Yes. Like a goat surrounded by pornographic magazines.
Ashley: Bathed in blood!! ;)
Jennifer: From now on we’re putting emoticons after everything inappropriate. Are we supposed to debate whether or not we should be doing them?
Ashley: Yeah, I mean, I think if we could find a safe, contained environment (no machetes, no hunting knives, no skinnin’ knives) it might be interesting.
Jennifer: But I just… don’t think we live on a farm or have ready access to livestock.
Ashley: I don’t think we should snort bath salts and roam free, no. I think that would be irresponsible to livestock and property everywhere.
Jennifer: Remember that guy who believed there were 20 intruders in his house, blending into the surroundings “like trees do?” That guy was a hoot! :D
Ashley: Was that the same guy who thought he was being “chased by electricity”?? He was my fav!! :o>
Jennifer: No! It was a different guy! Electricity can’t blend into anything, Ashley. Not without setting it on fire. :O)
Ashley: Also, I think local news stations in areas with much bath salt-related violence need to stop giving their coverage extravagantly funny headlines, such as “Bath Salts Blamed For Machete Attack”
Jennifer: Wait, what was the absurdly great one? With all the alliteration? “Medina Man Allegedly Goes Bonkers On Bath Salts!” It’s like the best Bath and Body Doesn’t Work Advertisement ever!
Ashley: Wait. “Priest Attacked By Man High On Bath Salts”
Jennifer: Why the priest?
Ashley: “Man High On Bath Salts Kills Neighbor’s Pet Goat While Wearing Bra And Panties” ;]
Jennifer: I’m reading this now. He attacked the priest with a mallet? :<
Ashley: Wait. Wait. Does getting high on bath salts make the world a real life game of wack-a-mole???!! :0
Jennifer: Your emoticon has no mouth.
Ashley: No, it does. My emoticon is expressing “childlike wonder.”