Bad Publicist E-Mail : The Bird Killing Device

Once and a while we get an e-mail where we’re like “wow, this publicist really knows who TheGloss reader is. Bird killers. A whole bunch of bird killers.” When I think of you, I think of women (and some men) who like to read about fashion, and beauty, and bird killing. So this e-mail is for you! I’m blotting out the name of this handy device, less for “esthetics” than for some lingering playground induced sense that I ought not tell on them, but the e-mail runs as follows:


Dear Sir/ Madam.


After years of suffering from birds discomforts and looking for solutions I became frustrated.


None of the regular systems really worked nor handled the problem.


And worse than that it was “not esthetics” to say the least.


Did you ever encounter similar problem?


All my problems were solved once I have found [REDACTED], and I thought you might find interest in it as well.


[REDACTED] is a revolutionary method in bird repellent and is forwarding all pest control business to the 21th century.


With [REDACTED] you will get:


  • Solution to endless types of birds’ based problems


  • High profits for you


  • Employees’ costs saving


  • Easy and fast installation (“plug and play”)


  • Opens your business for more markets and potential clients


  • As the ONLY REAL solution for birds’ repellent – you could enjoy from many referrals from your customers – perfect word of mouth product


  • Unfair advantage over your competitors


For real working solution and higher profits for you – send now your full name in replied e-mail.


Sincerely yours

[Bird Killing Man With An Unfair Advantage Of Your Competititors.]

Share This Post:
    • Elizabeth

      That picture makes me sad! :(

    • Jen Dziura

      What are “birds discomforts”? I get the “esthetics” part — if birds leave droppings all over your company, I guess that could decrease profits. And maybe birds are bothering your employees in the parking lot, a la Hitchcock? I’m still not sure that repelling the birds would provide “employee cost savings,” unless maybe we’re talking about money saved at the car wash. And wait, now we’re reselling bird repellant? Are we assuming that every company with a bird problem would thereby have customers with a bird problem?

      Remember that time you posted a pimp’s business plan? That pimp had a way better business plan than these bird people.

    • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

      Good god. Who ARE these people? And why do they always have to have such bad grammar in addition to such bad ideas?

    • meh

      Wow, that is written poorly! Where does it actually mention KILLING birds???