• Thu, Jun 2 2011

Chasing Thirty: My Fake Bachelorette Party

Andrea is on a quest to check off a bucket list of items in her 29th year. You can read more about her adventures at her blog, Thirty-Things.

You know what the problem with bachelorette parties is? Someone has to get married after.

So why not throw a bachelorette party while you’re really single?

Luckily I have the sort of girlfriends who’re willing to don a bunch of ridiculous gear and fabricate fiancés for a night of fun. The rules were simple: while you were the bachelorette, you had to tell at least one person your entire back-story and generally just act outrageous – in a manner befitting a woman headed down the aisle.

We started at one of my all time favorite spots in Seattle R Place, a super fun gay bar that features a drag show every Saturday Night. Kerri (who was the only one of us with a real life fiancé) was first up in the lineup. Since she was decked out to the nines in pink and penis paraphernalia. There was no missing Kerri from where we were sitting – front row center for the show. That was even before long the MC called her up on stage. The MC wanted to know if Kerri had ever been with a lady back in her wild single days. “Just once in college”, she said. When she was asked if the lady was present we pretended it had been me. So I got called up on stage where we were instructed to get our dance on for the crowd. Fortunately, Kerri and I know the choreography to ‘Single Ladies’ practically by heart, so we tore it up. The MC told us we were adorable but what the crowd really wanted to see was a recreation of that one magical night in college.’ Now, I don’t kiss and tell, but let’s just say Kerri and I shared a special moment in our eleven years of friendship that night.

I was up next at Cowgirls Inc., a dreadful nightclub/sports bar hybrid of a place with a mechanical bull and scantily clad ladies dancing on the bar. A bull ride was definitely in order, but I was wearing a short skirt and as much as I was committed to the mission, I wasn’t wiling to flash the entire place so I borrowed the shorts my friend was wearing under hers and went for a spin. I fared pretty well and did lots of fist pumping to Pink’s ‘Rockstar’. While in line, I managed to tell an affable drunk dude my back-story about how I met my ‘fiancé’ Carl when he was a patron at the club I used to dance at. My stripper story garnered many inexplicable fist bumps from my new friend; ‘did a lot of the girls meet their husbands that way in your industry?’ Well, “I said, ‘that’s the dream, that you’ll meet a nice man who’ll take you away from it all.’ Continuing with the theme, I got to dance on the bar with ladies in booty shorts and chaps. I chose not to embarrass the cowgirl next to me by challenging her to a dance-off, but it would have been in the bag.

Last up was a douche-tastic nightclub downtown for our final two bachelorettes. I suggested that for Monica we find the cutest guy in the bar and tell him that she needed one last kiss as a single girl. A very cute guy named Eric beat us to the punch when he walked up to the ‘bachelorette’ and suggested that she might need that exact thing. They shared a passionate kiss much to the chagrin of Eric’s (sweetly) disapproving friends.

Since Monica is single in real life and Eric is the kind of catch you don’t just let get away, I told her I’d go and explain the whole thing after we switched bachelorettes.
I figured he’d take it in stride, but when I told him it was a gag for my column, he freaked. ‘You’re a reporter?!!’ he said (a reporter!) and started panicking that I was going to post incriminating details and pictures and ruin his career. After I’d had a moment to get over the thrill of someone thinking I was influential enough to ruin his anything, I reassured him that I would erase all the evidence and use a fake name. He mellowed out and we’re all friends now. (Hi Eric!)

Last up was Anna, who got called out on her massive fake engagement ring by a guy whose day job was catering weddings. Since her story was that she was marrying an old rich guy for the cash, this worked out nicely. She said her fiancé wouldn’t let her out of the house with real thing because it was so damn huge. She also managed to attract some fun, dancing dudes in dark glasses who turned out to be local contenders for America’s Next Best Dance Crew ‘The Massive Monkeys’.

After many shots, shenanigans and one real-life love connection: this mission was accomplished.

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