Which Swimsuit Are You?

You know that Ashley and I are always there. Watching Ghost World. Evaluating your soul based on your sartorial choices. This post is coming from inside your closet, where I’m assessing what sort of person you are based solely on your swimsuit.   

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    • melinda.

      Oh fuck you guys. So you get to look like the bigger people for sarcastically poking fun at yourselves? You’re both spoiled brats, living in New York, writing. That’s not work. That’s play. You’ll never learn any lessons but you’ll still act like you’re somehow entitled than other people. So go smoke your american spirits and spend money at whole foods and listen to french indie music because your so brooding. I pity you guys. You’ll never be people.

      • Jennifer Wright

        WHY DID YOU MAKE HER LEAVE? WHY AREN’T YOU PEOPLE?

      • Corissia

        I call “troll” on this one.

    • melinda.

      By the way quoting Socrates like you know ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT HIM (like that quote was actually Plato) ? Real classy.

      • Eileen

        Jennifer, didn’t you major in philosophy? Isn’t it pretty much impossible to get a degree in philosophy without knowing your Plato at least reasonably well?

        PS I’m hurt that my choice of non-ruffled, non-string bikini is not represented.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Wow, Eileen, yes, I did! And I think I’ve always thought of you as a no-nonsense cool and collected basic one-piece girl. But, ED NOTE: people who wear non-ruffled, non-string bikinis are exactly like Eileen.

        Melinda,

        But how can one ever truly KNOW Socrates? Doesn’t that question ask us to consider the ἦθος of knowledge itself?

      • melinda.

        Is that hebrew or something? Listen you pretentious fuck I have degrees in lots of things, i’m in school to be a dentist and I’m a part time nail technician. All I’m requesting is that you limit you judgmental articles and maybe even use a stricter prior review code when it comes to your website, cause honestly half of it is Cosmo as interpreted by a couple of spoiled snarky hipsters.

      • Eileen

        Thank you. I feel included now. I do own a no-nonsense cool and collected basic one-piece, I’m happy to admit, but I mostly wear it to clean the shower.

      • lizards first rule

        You’re an asshole.

      • lizards first rule

        Melinda is an asshole. (duh)

      • Merlin

        @melinda.

        You called Ashley a “bitch” yesterday and Jennifer a “pretentious fuck” today all in the name of asking for less judgmental articles? You’re like the Braveheart of idiots.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Melinda, your comments are amazing, so please don’t stop. But let me point out the peculiarity in suggesting Jennifer is ignorant (classless?) for joking about Socrates like “[she knows] ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT HIM” then finding out she has a degree that required roughly two years of specifically-Greek philosophy (which included translating Plato) and then calling her a “pretentious fuck.”

        Which is it?

    • August S.

      Melinda, will you please guest-author a post? Your work as an online Franco-esque performance artist* is both hilarious and thought-provoking, and deserves a wider forum.

      *You are a performance artist, right? Because going to a blog and accusing the authors of writing (which I assume most bloggers have to do a bit of, although in your defense the NYC local *is* completely optional) is too nonsensical to be serious.

      PS: Even if you are serious, that’s okay too– “you’ll never be people” is my new favorite insult. What does it mean? No one knows, which totally makes it more cutting! I plan on breaking that baby out the next time someone cuts in line at Whole Foods, or when my maid servant uses too much starch in linens. Whichever comes first.

      • Jennifer Wright

        August. Your maid was never people. She was “maid”. What kind of home did you grow up in? A home “peopled” by socialists? Maybe we should go to the organic farmer’s market for a nice lambrusco to discuss this.

      • August S.

        Sorry Jennifer, but I don’t think I’m up for perusing locally sourced sustenance with you. Lambrusco or no lambrusco, you’re a writer who lives in NY, writing. Everyone knows that’s like being a virgin who can’t drive. Loser.

        (I will only un-shun you if the next slide-show features reasons you’ll never be people, e.g. Whole Foods, America Spirits, Soylent Green–wait, scratch that last one, it sounds wrong…)

    • melinda.

      I’m confused where all this hostility is coming from, am I being accused of trolling? You are all so well versed in manipulating words until their not even mine. Your regular Bill O’Reileys, all of you. And its not fair. I’m not stupid, ok? I’m very smart. My sister was valedictorian of her class at BU. “You’ll never be people” isn’t an insult. It’s a pitiful fact, none of you are people. I’m done with this website, why should I give you the satisfaction of more site traffic if I’m going to be blatantly harassed?

    • Cassie

      “Listen you pretentious fuck I have degrees in lots of things, i’m in school to be a dentist and I’m a part time nail technician.”

      LOL WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

      I thought that was sarcasm at first….oh dear…

    • Cassie

      I’m confused where all this hostility is coming from. Am I being accused of trolling? You are all so well versed in manipulating words until they’re not even mine. You’re regular Bill O’Reillys, all of you. And it’s not fair. I’m not stupid, ok? I’m very smart. My sister was valedictorian of her class at BU. “You’ll never be people,” isn’t an insult. It’s a pitiful fact: none of you are people. I’m done with this website, why should I give you the satisfaction of more site traffic if I’m going to be blatantly harassed?

      Fixed all of the errors! Sorry, it was killing me. Any way, onto my next points: how is your sister being valedictorian at BU relevant? Can you absorb book learnin’ by osmosis or something?

      Also, it’s really interesting that you’re so clueless where the hostility comes from. It wouldn’t have anything to do with you coming out all guns blazing and calling the author of the article a pretentious fuck, now would it? Cause that’s not hostile at all, riiiight, well, anyway!

      These comments, man. I can’t figure out whether they’re full of fail or whether this chick is trollin’ but either way, keep them coming, they’re hilarious.

      • Eileen

        Hmm, I’d argue that “I’m done with this website, why should I give you the satisfaction of more site traffic if I’m going to be blatantly harassed?” is actually a run-on that should have a semicolon in place of the comma. But otherwise, thanks for offering yourself up for a noble cause ;)

        (PS I say troll – see Ashley’s post below. And there’s no way any person who read the post would’ve thought the Greek was Hebrew, right? Right? I’m not being too optimistic about basic intelligence?)

      • Renae

        Eileen, I’d also say troll. This article (as well as most of the articles on here) should be taken with a grain of salt. And I don’t see how someone could confuse Greek and Hebrew. Anyone who’s been to college should be able to recognize at least a little Greek. Hell, anyone who has taken trig should be able to recognize the theta!

    • Jinx

      Shame on all of you! You’ll never be people!

      I like it. I’m using that line in my everyday life from now on.

    • August S.

      Sorry Jennifer, I don’t think I’m up for perusing locally sourced sustenance with you. Lambrusco or no lambrusco, you’re a writer who lives in NY, writing. Everyone knows that’s like being a virgin who can’t drive. Loser.

      (I will only un-shun you if the next slide-show features reasons why you’ll never be people, e.g. NYC, Whole Foods, American Spirits, Soylent Green–wait, scratch that last one, it sounds wrong…)

      • Anna

        Soylent Green is people! Good thing none of YOU are people…

      • Anna

        You have nothing to worry about now…

    • August S.

      (Also, my comment posted twice, but it’s not my fault because I’m really good with computers. My sister works in IT and invented the internet.)

    • Kim

      love it! great post

    • Kim

      Just read the comments… even better!

    • Corissia

      Never-mind, someone already has.