The Five Kinds Of Marriage, As Told By Pictures Of Muppets

Over at Time, staff contributors explain the five kinds of modern marriage that Pamela Haag writes about in her new book, “Marriage Confidential.”

The book examines what marriage means today, the ways it has evolved since the last century, and how it might keep evolving in the future.

The types of unions described at Time all seem pretty miserable, which is kind of odd, and we think that there are likely other types of marriages that are…well, pleasant to be in. Either way, we thought it might be fun — and certainly less threatening! — to paraphrase Haag’s so-called modern marriages using muppets, so here you go:

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    • Allison

      Gah… I haven’t been represented- see, single gals, there can also be a happy constructive mutually beneficial marriage. I’m in one. It’s not perfect but we talk all the time, have a great sex life, and balance our own time with our childs. I’ve been married for 9 years to my soulmate, so heres to 6 happy year of marriage! (kidding)

    • lea

      how depressing. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep now. ;)

    • Leah

      I’m 24. This scares me. My generation has a low rate/expectation of marriage, is it because of things like this? Are we being realistic, or pessimistic? I ask that out of seriousness and concern. Can “Gen-Mers” successfully marry?

    • Cassieleigh

      You’ve forgotten one – there are such elusive relationships that are solid and good and have nothing to do with children. It’s a sad myth that there’s no such thing as a good marriage. I’m living proof.

    • Penelope

      What a bunch of horribly depressing scenarios – and none of them represent the marriage I have, nor my friends’ marriages. I’m with Allison and Cassieleigh – how about a 6th kind of marriage, with 2 people who choose to be together and love each other and work towards making each other happy?

    • August S.

      That article was crazy depressing, but it DID link me to an article called “10 Evil Animals” so… silver lining?

    • Lindsay Cross

      I’m going to have to agree with everyone else here. It is completely possible to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Two people can love each other, communicate, raise a family and enjoy their lives. No, marriage isn’t always easy. But that doesn’t mean that’s its fundamentally flawed. Some wonderful things take hard work and marriage is one of them.

    • DebMoore

      You are right, that is pretty depressing. How about my Marriage…… friends who love each other, love to spend time together and work hard to make our lives better. No it’s not blissfully happy 100% of the time but most of the time it sure is! And I also don’t buy into that soul mate-one person for you and only you. Instead I found a really great guy, who works hard and likes to have fun mainly with me. Maybe it looks boring to other people (we tend to do just about everything together) but to us our marriage and life togther is great!

    • Rachel

      I read this, and the original Times article that inspired this (the gloss did a better job, FYI), and I have come to the conclusion that modern media just hates the idea of marriage.
      There are just so many stories lately, from so many news outlets/blogs/books, about how no one can actually be happy in their marriage, how being single is so much better/healthier/ happier, and how marriage ruins relationships and sex lives.
      As a fairly young, married women, I’m kind of sick of it. I dated and was single, and then I met someone and got married. I was out of college and working full-time, and now I am married. And no, I didn’t have to give up my career goals, and yes we still have amazing sex. We made it out of the honeymoon phase relationship and pride in-tact and still f**king on a very regular basis.
      I don’t understand why the idea of being happily married is so mystical to people lately. Yes, lots of marriages end in divorce, about 50% of them … leaving 50% of people still coupled at the time of death. And in our modern world, I find it really hard to believe that anyone would stay in a miserable, unsatisfying marriage because divorce is just too much trouble. Especially couples without kids. Of course, there are lots of women (and men) stuck in abusive marriages with no way out. But that is a little different than people that stay in horrible unions because they don’t want to deal with some paperwork, but really need to sleep with anyone else but their spouse.
      It seems like the media portrayal of marriage is that it sucks you in at your youthful, sexual prime, and spits you out at age 75 miserable and unfulfilled.
      Marriage isn’t black and white. No, you aren’t signing love songs to work everyday, but you also aren’t “faking it” forever either. There are lots of people that are in very happy, mutually successful unions that stay that way for their whole lives. It seems like lately no one believes that can be true, and it’s just easier to assume people are either on their way to divorce of just pretending to be happy. But never would it be written that two people who tied-the-knot and actually did live happily-ever-after. Where’s the fun in writing about that, I guess?