• Sun, Jun 5 2011

“Forty Beads” Sex System Is All Kinds Of Retro

Did you know that “sex” is a thing women have that men want? And that this somewhat strange activity (which those mysterious creatures called “men” seem to like very much) may be traded for things including, but not limited to, money, babies, and not having to take out the garbage? (But never orgasms. Only penises can have those.) In case you’re just hearing about this revolutionary concept for the first time, dead-eyed Southern housewife Carolyn Evans has written a book on the subject called Forty Beads: The Simple, Sexy Secret For Transforming Your Marriage that will explain it all to you in terms your small, feminine brain can understand.

“But wait,” you are saying. “I already incorporate anal beads into my lovemaking activities, and forty just sounds like way too many for any human ass to accept!” She’s not talking about those kinds of beads, you disgusting Sodomite. She’s talking about symbolic penis beads which your husband may drop in your vagina bowl any time he’s feeling randy, at which point you must get on your back within 24 hours whether or not you actually feel like it, fixing all marital problems in the process. “A man has to have sex to feel close,” Evans explains. “And, conversely, a woman has to feel close with her husband to want to have sex with him. We hold out because we want good husband behavior.” That is so true. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to pop a few Valiums and make a nice roast, and then I’m going to stick my head in the oven, forever.

But let’s hear what she has to say for herself on “The Today Show.” Perhaps she has some genius explanation as to why this system is not essentially a throwback to the era that drove Sylvia Plath to suicide?

There’s nothing to fight about when everyone’s happy with their sexual situation.

Because all conflicts between women and men boil down to believing they’re not getting everything they’re entitled to out of their sexual transactions. She makes sure to say that in her system, women have “nudge” cards they can leave lying around when they want husbands to spend a bead, but the ultimate power rests with the guy. This seems pretty off to me.

I don’t want to shit all over anyone who has somehow been made happier by this system, but it tickles my feminist spidey sense in all the wrong ways. This goes without saying, but not all marital issues are about wives not servicing husbands enough. And if you can’t talk about your issues and desires in a mature, verbal way, is it a totally off-base conclusion to draw that maybe you’re not ready for marriage in the first place?

And if that weren’t enough, this book is brought to you by the same chick lit publisher that brought you Skinny Bitch. Retrograde sexuality and fat shaming: two great tastes that taste great together.

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  • emily

    You sound like a bitchy, unhappy person. Lighten up. It’s just a book that you don’t have to read!

    • Lindsay Cross

      The fact that this woman has written a book about her little system and is schilling it on the Today Show means that we get to criticize it. Not “we” as bloggers, “we” as humans. This woman’s system is ridiculous. To propose it as marriage advice is horrible. The best advice to any couple that’s not sexually satisfied is talk to each other. Not barter out your vagina and pretend to want sex even if you don’t. I’m glad Jamie wrote about this.

  • BeccaTheCyborg

    Fuck, that’s some creepy, sexist bullshit. God forbid they actually talk about sex and their problems and desires.

    This reminds me of that thing where if your five year old does their chores, they get a gold star. Except, you know, with grown-ass women engaging in a creepy, coercive prostitution for beads.

  • Amy

    Not just the same publisher as Skinny Bitch, the same author! Yeesh.

  • Chris

    This reminds me of the “Obedient Wives Club” in Malaysia at the moment, which is saying domestic violence, infidelity and prostitution stem from a lack of belief in God and a failure of women to satisfy their husbands.

  • Susan

    Not the same author.

  • matbo

    I like the idea that in a busy household/in our busy lives you’d have a quick and easy way to tell your lover that you want them…I really dislike the idea that it only goes one way. I’d like to think in my relationship that we both crave sex, maybe not equally, but at different times.
    Plus I’d feel really silly as a husband to throw a bead in a bowl instead of kissing my wife deeply, nuzzling her on the shoulders and have her drag me to bed. Seduction goes both ways and this wife just gets off way too easily on that front…

  • Eve

    @Emily: I hereby invoke Moff’s Law (http://www.racialicious.com/2009/12/21/and-we-shall-call-this-moffs-law/). You are not allowed to complain that a post is criticizing/analyzing something. That is what blog posts are for.

  • Dawn

    Ha ha ha!! I’m so glad I’m not the only person who immediately thought anal beads upon hearing the title of this book.

  • Cassieleigh

    I hate how people can be right in principle and then completely lose all credibility by using stupid metaphors. Do men and women both need sex: yes. Do they need it for different reasons and does it take different things to get each one there: yes. Mrs. Evans (which by the way is the name of my Algebra teacher from 8th grade who I absolutely detested), please don’t assume that all women work the way you do and that we need this issue dumbed down.

    • matbo

      I’m curious as to what the different reasons are – why do men need sex versus why women do…care to elaborate?

  • porkchop

    This plan is like the premise of every sitcom. Imagine the hilarity this kind of refusal to communicate can produce. Like, imagine the episode where the dog eats all the sex tokens, and the couple blames each other.

  • Allison

    Am I the only one confused by the fact that there’s 40 beads? Shouldn’t you need just, you know, one to drop in the bowl? Maybe 4 if you lose things easily.

  • ashmoth

    A) Thought is anal beads too B) 40 IS too many C) would rather have 40 anal beads than this passive agressive system. She is as sexually enticing as a tax audit. Blech.

  • maru

    “…you must get on your back within 24 hours whether or not you actually feel like it” is illegal on account of being marital rape. unwanted sex is forced sex and therefore rape. that woman probably too stupid to understand what she is doing is supporting marital rape AND trying to mainstream it.

    disgusting.

  • maru

    i’ve sent her an email of my concerns. hopfefully i can get some insight, because this article is rather harsh and i’d rather be sure about this type of thing than anything. *nods*