You know those jerks who insist on using their cell phones during movies, talking in what they think is a “quiet voice,” or texting distractedly while blinding you with their bright blue iPhone screens? If I had a severed, bloody texting finger in my basement for each time this has happened to me, I’d have a whole lot of…nevermind. What’s that, you live in a civil place with no tolerance for movie-ruiners? Is it Austin?
I suspected as much, because an Austin movie theater called the Alamo Drafthouse recently publicized their no cell phones policy by publishing a phone call they received from an irate customer after telling her to take a hike. The customer says: “I will never be comin’ back to your ‘Alamo Drafthouse’ or whatever, I’d rather go to a reglear [sic.] theater where people are actually polite!” (Oh, the irony.) This video says: “See? We really do kick people out! And if you drunkenly call us up to complain, we will publicly mock you by posting your rant on Youtube with no alterations whatsoever.” The subtitles are an especially nice touch, letting mispronunciations like “reglear” and “MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA” shine to their fullest potential.
It appears you can also buy beer at this movie theater, which would be a big improvement over sneaking in forties like my friends and I currently do. This is reason number eleventy-billion why I am constantly considering blowing this town for good and kickin’ back in the warm, polite, and moderately priced environs of Austin, Texas. Once I get all of my friends and my boyfriend on board with this plan, you can bet my posts will be written from down south. But not during a movie. No, never during a movie.