I’m going to share with you a little theory of mine, a theory that robbed me of every last vestige of childhood innocence and fundamentally altered the way I view the world.
You know the face an athlete makes during the most physically trying moments of a sporting contest? The one he makes when he’s swinging a bat or kicking a ball or—how do you say—slamming a dunk? Yeah so get this: that’s the very same face he makes…. while climaxing!
Gross, right?. But it’s true! Just think about it: what is sex if not a lot of exertion and deep breathing and opportunities to be reminded how out of shape you are? (ok fine, you’re right, it’s also a lot of dirty sheets and freaking out about late periods and dealing with the crushing pain of unrequited love, but none of those things has any place in sports). But it makes perfect sense, right? Sports are like sex with your clothes on. Only with ten other guys in the room. And a hundred thousand or so following along at home on TV. But otherwise basically the same.
Anyway! I don’t know if this is scientifically provable or anything, but it’s definitely one of those things that once you see it you can’t un-see it. So that hot guy on the treadmill next to you at the gym every morning? The one who cranks his machine up to 15 at the end of every workout and grunts and grimaces during that one final sprint? Yeah, you’ll totally never be able to look at him the same way again. Sorry!