• Wed, Jun 8 2011

Imagining The Sexts Between Anthony Weiner & Blake Lively

We have done the obvious and acted out the parts of Anthony Weiner and Blake Lively on the day their sexting paths crossed. This is a purely imagined exchange between the two with no basis in reality whatsoever. The following is a work of fiction. …A sexy one.

 

Anthony: Hi baby. I’ve got a swell penis.

Blake: Tony?

Anthony: You were expecting Penn? I think we all know that he does not have a swell penis.

Blake: Hi, baby!!

Anthony: I want to get Blaked. I want to Blake the hell out of you, Blake.

Blake: Slow down, baby. How abt some 4play?? ;)

Anthony: Fine. I had a super intense dream about you. Where I blaked you.

Blake : Oh yeah? That’s so sweet!! <3 <3 <3

Anthony: It was crazy fucking dirty. It was like me as a fucking schizophrenic, with scatalogical impulses.

Blake: LOLWAT. Hold on, I’m googling “scatalogical.” :)

Anthony: Don’t do that, baby.

Blake: hahahahaa jk. i was just gonna put in the Lion King soundtrack instead and sing along with it.

Anthony: I woke up today and decided it was a good day to show you my happy penis.

Blake: omg that’s soooooo funny! one time i woke up and knew that i was gonna be happy and that’s like what you had only with ur thingy. we have so much in common :) ;)

Anthony: baby, you have to load fresh pics.

Blake: okay hold on, i’m in a hotel right now so i have 2 make sure i go in the bathroom because it’s supposed to be more secure.

Blake: okay sent

Anthony: what r u wearing baby?

Blake: nothing! i don’t have a stylist. i’m thinking bout u

Anthony: I’d like to talk endlessly for a while about how hard my swell penis is right now. Ask me about that.

Blake: k!! ummmmm

Blake: is it hard? what is it hard like?

Anthony: It is hard like a rock. I am not very creative. It is so hard it could be used as a gavel, with which to pummel republicans? Does that make you cum, baby?

Blake: ur 2 funny, Tony. it totally made me cum.

Anthony: You have no political affiliation, do you, Blake?

Blake: i’m in the green party because it’s important to think about the earth and recycling. lol. u knew that! i <3 animals!

Anthony: I would like to fuck you as if I were an egret. Tell me more about animals.

Blake: my favorite animal is pomeranians but i love every animal. i love chihuahuas or papillons or like anything endangered.

Blake: i’m drinking a milkshake right now!

Anthony: I bet you are. I bet that milkshake is hot.

Blake: Noooooo silly! it’s cold because there’s ice cream in it!!! DUH!

Anthony: I’ll give you something to drink.

Blake: do you have coke zero?

Anthony: My penis is very large. Also, hard. It’s what we always come back to, isn’t it? Not mutual interests. Not humor. Just my penis. Because it’s swell.

Anthony: Don’t you feel like this relationship is lacking something, Blake? Some intellectual stimulation? Perhaps a soupcon of witty banter, a la Tracy and Hepburn?

Blake: I love Audrey Hepburn! She’s so stylish!!!!

Anthony: I think I need to get myself into therapy. Talk to my swell penis. Commune with it. Figure out why it’s making me make such bad choices.

Blake: Did you get the pics yet?

Anthony: Yes. You look good.

Blake: lol They’re not me!!!!

Anthony: I’m so hard right now.

Blake: I just can’t wait to be king!!!

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  • Ireicra

    In a perfect world, these two crazy kids could make it work. Blake would make the perfect politician’s wife.