We have done the obvious and acted out the parts of Anthony Weiner and Blake Lively on the day their sexting paths crossed. This is a purely imagined exchange between the two with no basis in reality whatsoever. The following is a work of fiction. …A sexy one.
Anthony: Hi baby. I’ve got a swell penis.
Anthony: You were expecting Penn? I think we all know that he does not have a swell penis.
Blake: Hi, baby!!
Anthony: I want to get Blaked. I want to Blake the hell out of you, Blake.
Blake: Slow down, baby. How abt some 4play?? ;)
Anthony: Fine. I had a super intense dream about you. Where I blaked you.
Blake : Oh yeah? That’s so sweet!! <3 <3 <3
Anthony: It was crazy fucking dirty. It was like me as a fucking schizophrenic, with scatalogical impulses.
Blake: LOLWAT. Hold on, I’m googling “scatalogical.” :)
Anthony: Don’t do that, baby.
Blake: hahahahaa jk. i was just gonna put in the Lion King soundtrack instead and sing along with it.
Anthony: I woke up today and decided it was a good day to show you my happy penis.
Blake: omg that’s soooooo funny! one time i woke up and knew that i was gonna be happy and that’s like what you had only with ur thingy. we have so much in common :) ;)
Anthony: baby, you have to load fresh pics.
Blake: okay hold on, i’m in a hotel right now so i have 2 make sure i go in the bathroom because it’s supposed to be more secure.
Blake: okay sent
Anthony: what r u wearing baby?
Blake: nothing! i don’t have a stylist. i’m thinking bout u
Anthony: I’d like to talk endlessly for a while about how hard my swell penis is right now. Ask me about that.
Blake: k!! ummmmm
Blake: is it hard? what is it hard like?
Anthony: It is hard like a rock. I am not very creative. It is so hard it could be used as a gavel, with which to pummel republicans? Does that make you cum, baby?
Blake: ur 2 funny, Tony. it totally made me cum.
Anthony: You have no political affiliation, do you, Blake?
Blake: i’m in the green party because it’s important to think about the earth and recycling. lol. u knew that! i <3 animals!
Anthony: I would like to fuck you as if I were an egret. Tell me more about animals.
Blake: my favorite animal is pomeranians but i love every animal. i love chihuahuas or papillons or like anything endangered.
Blake: i’m drinking a milkshake right now!
Anthony: I bet you are. I bet that milkshake is hot.
Blake: Noooooo silly! it’s cold because there’s ice cream in it!!! DUH!
Anthony: I’ll give you something to drink.
Blake: do you have coke zero?
Anthony: My penis is very large. Also, hard. It’s what we always come back to, isn’t it? Not mutual interests. Not humor. Just my penis. Because it’s swell.
Anthony: Don’t you feel like this relationship is lacking something, Blake? Some intellectual stimulation? Perhaps a soupcon of witty banter, a la Tracy and Hepburn?
Blake: I love Audrey Hepburn! She’s so stylish!!!!
Anthony: I think I need to get myself into therapy. Talk to my swell penis. Commune with it. Figure out why it’s making me make such bad choices.
Blake: Did you get the pics yet?
Anthony: Yes. You look good.
Blake: lol They’re not me!!!!
Anthony: I’m so hard right now.
Blake: I just can’t wait to be king!!!