How should you behave at your ex-boyfriend’s wedding? Unlike the Bee Gees, we do have time to talk!
Ashley: Why are you at your ex-boyfriend’s wedding?
Jennifer: Well, we talked about this the other day as you fashioned a crude hair doll with my scalp particles. I like to try to remain friends with my exes. I would be quite flattered and delighted if most of them were to ask me to their wedding. I say most of them. Not the ones who really broke my heart, obviously. At those, I guess I’d just drink, right? Silently, joylessly like Sebastian Flyte. The worrisome kind of drinking.
Ashley: Okay, I’m going to steamroll that because you were having a thing and I let it play out but now I get to say what I wanted to say while you were saying something different: I’m willing to entertain being friends with your ex, but going to his wedding? Doesn’t that seem weird? Hell! At least we’re assuming that his bride is cool with it, right? Because that would really determine how you dress.
Jennifer: I’d wear white, but it would show when I spilt my flask all over it.
Ashley: Oh my god. Why are we talking about this? You can’t wear white to someone else’s wedding anyway.
Jennifer: You CAN.
Jennifer: I believe you mean “you MAYN’T.”
Ashley: Okay. So, here’s the plan: you can go attend your ex’s weddings, wearing white, thoughtlessly sloshing whiskey all over yourself in some kind of performance art of despair. Meanwhile I will politely decline an ex’s wedding invitation and wish him well and go back to doing rad shit like not attending weddings because they’re fucking boring.
Jennifer: The reception? You must be joshing. There’s always one crazy bitch trying to upstage the bride while attempting to juggle three full glasses of whiskey. We’re why they’re worth attending at all.
Ashley: God bless you. Because, really, I’ve heard Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” enough in my lifetime. And have seen enough old people do the “Macarena.”
Jennifer: You don’t find the comic and charming anymore? God, we’ve just established that I will let old people get away with anything, won’t I? I mean, time and time again in these debates.
Ashley: Except the “Macarena.” Weddings are terrible.
Jennifer: I quite like weddings. Full of promise and such.
Ashley: I don’t go to weddings or funerals.
Jennifer: Ever? YOU WOULDN’T ATTEND MY FUNERAL? WHO WILL MAKE SURE THEY PLAY ‘YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT’ BY THE ROLLING STONES? FUCK YOU.
Ashley: Oh, sweetheart. I will obviously go to your funeral, because I want to confirm you are dead. AT LAST THE GLOSS WILL BE MINE! Also, I will ensure that the only song playing is “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees.
Jennifer: Could we please compromise, usurper, and have them play “If There’s A Rock And Roll Heaven?”
Ashley: No. I will dance like John Travolta on your grave.
Jennifer: While wearing white. Sloshing whiskey? TAKING ON MY VERY SOUL? LET THE POWER FLOW THROUGH YOU.
Ashley: No. I wouldn’t wear white to your funeral or to a wedding. …Unless it was 100 degrees out and on a beach or in the summer, in which case, I wouldn’t be outside because that much direct sunlight would make me explode. I also would not attend the wedding of my ex because that would be odd! And I will dance on your grave, which you can tell by the way I use my walk. I’m a woman’s man. No time to talk.
Jennifer: Your outdoor wedding will have music loud and women warm.
Ashley: Now it’s all right, it’s okay. You may look the other way.
Jennifer: Doesn’t it give you closure with your ex, attending their wedding? I mean, it’s over. You recognize it’s over. You move on.
Ashley: You’re actually suggesting one should attend the wedding of an ex FOR CLOSURE? That’s preposterous.
Jennifer: But you see they’ve moved on with their life. And that’s a good thing. It lets you reflect on how far you’ve both come.
Ashley: You exist outside the bounds of reason. There are 1000 things wrong with what you’ve just said.
Jennifer: Or… none?
Ashley: Here’s what I envision: you’re going to die in a freak ivy-covered lattice accident at your ex’s wedding, I’m going to show up to your funeral wearing something actually appropriate (and necessarily not white) then hijack the speakers, such that “Stayin’ Alive” plays with great robustness while your family cries.
Jennifer: I’m reading a book about psychopaths right now. Do you go home at night and try to copy emotional facial expressions? I’m curious, like, if a child died, and their mother was crying in front of you, would your first reaction be “gotta go home and try to do that in the mirror?”
Ashley: GOT THE WINGS OF HEAVEN ON MY SHOES / I’M A DANCING MAN AND I JUST CAN’T LOSE.