An Open Letter To George Clooney About Never Getting Married

George,

Hi, buddy. You look nice today. Oh, also, we need to talk.

I think running around saying “I’m never getting married again” has stopped being cute. Look, there’s a time – for all of us – when saying “I’m never getting married!” is adorable. That time is when we’re five years old and saying “I’m only going to marry you, Spikeroll!” And Spikeroll is a stuffed dinosaur. But just as declaring “I’m only going to marry you, Spikeroll” is less “charming” when you’re 50 and more “you have objectophilia.” So is boldly stating that you can just never marry again. To anyone.

Look, it’s not never getting married itself that I think is dumb. I’m not implying that if you don’t get married your tattered body will be found three weeks after your death, partially eaten by… no one, for you have not even a cat to love. I would never imply that. Besides. It wouldn’t matter to you. You’d be dead.

I would imply that ruling it out as a possibility seems idiotic, though. Okay. Sure. You might never get married again, George Clooney. If you never find anyone you love enough for the kind of self sacrifice that marriage entails you should never get married again. But it seems hard for anyone to definitively know what the future holds unless they are some sort of non-charlatan psychic.

But look. You are reaching the age where, well, where you’re no longer a young man. How would this look, George Clooney, this proud declaration that you’re “never getting married!” if you were not George Clooney? Let’s just imagine you as a random fifty year old dude in a bar telling seemingly everyone you come into contact with that you are never going to get married. Let’s just picture you there, pounding down brewskis shouting, “I’m not getting married! Not me!” You would not sound like a super cool dude. You would sound like a full-on lunatic.

The problem is that there’s a point in life where it begins to sound slightly egotistical. Now, that’s a kind of egotism that you can get away with much more easily if you are George Clooney versus if you are that random fifty year old in the bar. But it still carries the assumption that everyone woman wants – desperately! – to marry you.

And, well, George, you are still a very dapper bachelor. I suppose I would probably still be very happy to date you despite the fact that I am half your age. I suppose a great many women feel that way. But not all of them, George! If you ask some of them women in the office they will reply, hesitantly “well, you know, he’s kind of… old.” They’d rather date Ryan Gosling. I’m just trying to level with you, buddy.

I imagine, in ten years time, as you become truly old, the number of enthusiastic women is going to dwindle considerably. And it’s also a point when you might want to reevaluate just seeing supermodels and maybe consider different life choices. And at that point, this “never getting married speech” is going to seem incredibly stupid.

I’m not saying you need to get married. But I’m saying, stop ruling the possibliy out in public, buddy. Partly because you might legitimately have a change of heart. And partly because sometime, not that far away, now, it is going to make you look like the crazy guy at the bar – because not everyone will want to marry you.

So, good night, and good luck.

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    • Papa Geek

      I think it actually might just be his mating call?

      Like he just goes outside and shouts that to the open air, and scads of ladies come out of the woodwork who take his statement as a challenge and think they can sex him up enough to change his mind.

      • Jen

        I’d be willing to test that theory.

      • Geraldine

        hahaha @ mating call.

        I bet it is. He’s just playing hard to get!

    • Jamie Peck

      There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married. Some people just know it’s not for them. Why must you bum me out on this rainy day?

    • Eileen

      I agree. If someone asks him point-blank if he’s ever getting married, he can say, “I don’t think so.” But he doesn’t have to bring it up as if we’re all dying to marry him.

      And, honestly, I probably wouldn’t go out with him. He used to be really attractive, and he still is…for a 50-year-old. But he’s not the fabulous heartthrob he used to be.

      (Pierce Brosnan, on the other hand, I would still date. But he IS married. Also, I don’t see the appeal of Ryan Gosling. Ryan Reynolds, on the other hand, is very handsome, if he’s listening)

    • tess

      jennifer,
      if he or other person decided dont marry again is his rights, cares about your life, ok?

    • Lindsay Cross

      This morning, while driving to work, I was cut off by a middle-aged, balding man in a Jaguar convertible. The top was down at 6:30am. And his license plate said, “SNGL4EVR”. I almost rear-ended him because I was laughing so hard, I started crying and then I couldn’t see. The pathetic-ness was just overwhelming.

      • Avodah

        Really? A desire to be single is more pathetic than constant online whining about custody, infertility, working and whatever else bothers you?

        Look, if people don’t want to marry, I’m sorry, but they can do it. They aren’t hurting anyone or making fun of married people. It is just a choice- one among many others.

    • Charles

      George has every right to say he’ll never get hitched again..And here is a fact..As men get older the pool of available ladies grows wider..As long as a man STAYS ALIVE There are more and more women he can choose from ..WOMEN GET WRINKLES<<MEN GET CHARACTER LINES…In other words Men get more attractive as they get older..Sorry Gals BUT YOU DONT..Especially if you SMOKE..And most women do..Smoke …(maybe not in bed) …

    • Alex

      Did anyone else notice how the person who wrote this didn’t address any of the reasons why not as opposed to simply cutting him up in every paragraph instead? At least I didn’t pick up on any. I haven’t been paying attention to how much he says he won’t get married, but seriously, what is so hard to understand if a man doesn’t want to suffer for the rest of his life divorced to a succubus who steadily sucks the alimony from his bank account the same way she sucked out his soul? I’d say that’s certainly one good reason why not. Kick a guy when he’s down enough times and he’ll stop putting himself in that same position in the first place. He’s not stupid.

    • Ubermensch

      I have one simple question for the author and anyone else criticising George and single men alike, who are averse to marriage.

      What is the incentive for a man to get married in this day and age? I mean, really, please go into detail.

    • Vic

      Why wouldn’t a single, famous multi-millionaire not jump at the chance to enter into a binding contract with the emotionally unstable? He’s just a big chicken! Good luck with your freedom, friends and tropical islands you big loser!