Sexual Scavenger Hunts: Marie Claire Exposes Dark, Hooker-Shaped Underbelly Of Bachelor Parties

STOCK PHOTOZ!!!!!!!!1!

Marie Claire has a little piece up at the moment called (titillatingly) “The Truth About Bachelor Parties” with the haunting lead, “The Hangover movies make stag night seem like a harmless (if insane) male ritual. But the reality is a woman’s worst nightmare.”

First of all, I like how they made it so topical. The Hangover is indeed a movie! Delightful!

The piece is an apparent expose of this new trend sweeping the bachelor party nation: fucking prostitutes. Or… maybe it’s always been a trend? (The article does claim to expose the truth, after all) It begins with the story of Adam (the first man, duh) and how he totally had sex with one such sex worker on one such eve of his wedding:

At first, Adam hesitated: How could he cheat on his fiancée — especially in front of all these people, some her family members? Still, he reasoned, “This would be my last chance to touch another woman ever again. Being drunk and rising to their taunts, I picked a statuesque blonde with fake breasts and took a trip across the street.” The sex, he says, was amazing — so much so that his fiancée didn’t enter his mind until he was walking back to the club. At that point, he panicked, wondering how people would react. “If they had greeted me with averted eyes, I would have been really nervous,” he says. “Instead, everyone burst into cheers, as if I’d walked in with a Nobel Prize.” Before ending the night, the men devised a plan to conceal Adam’s infidelity. “We agreed to overload the women with stories, except that one thing, so they’d assume they knew everything,” he says. The next day, the women grilled their guys, but no one caved. “Their solidarity and confidentiality amazes me to this day,” says Adam. “Her friends and family were there, and no one breathed a word.”

Man! Having sex with a prostitute on the night before your wedding is like winning a Nobel Prize? If you think that’s the best analogy this article can do, how about “getting a handjob from a stripper is like Zeus reaching down from Heaven“? Yeah? Cool, right? Fuck Mount Olympus!

While not all bachelor parties include sex, the combination of booze, male bravado, and strippers is a heady mix that moves some men to do things they’d never do otherwise. As Jack, 37, explains about a bachelor party he attended, “I assumed strippers would paw me, then I’d go home and have sex with my wife,” he says. “But after the stripper got me excited, she said, ‘For $100, I’ll finish you off.’ It was like Zeus reaching down from heaven. When a girl is literally unzipping your pants, men can’t say no. We’re not built that way.”

The article goes on to really up the scare-tactic ante by describing (wait for it) a sexual scavenger hunt, in which bachelors sought intercourse with an older woman, a bride-to-be, a stripper, etc with regards to a strikingly arbitrary point system. Setting aside the fact that this sexual scavenger hunt is almost certainly a ridiculous concept invented for purposes of making the article go viral from easily excerpted fear-mongering… decent people don’t actually behave this way. Which is to say, the kinds of people you want to marry.

From then, we get a little pop psychology insight into male behavior (“Do these guys feel guilty during or after the act? Not really, since to them, it’s not exactly cheating: The women are merely part of a rite of passage. It’s a strange ritual, but no more bizarre than a wedding itself”) and the whole thing wraps up by laying our heads to rest with the suggestion that maybe bachelor parties are so wild and frightening that they actually scare men into fidelity. “And he’s been faithful ever since,” the author concludes of one such subject. “You believe him, right?” RIGHT?!

So. Almost every insight into human behavior here is pretty hilarious. But the major point practically goes without saying:

This isn’t what happens at bachelor parties. This is what happens when you’re engaged to an asshole.

It’s very possible this kind of shit goes on, but people don’t cheat because the opportunity presents itself. They cheat because they are shitty people. In this sense, this article doesn’t speak to any truth about anything, be it bachelor parties, the male psyche, the human condition, things that rhyme with orange, whether you can domesticate a zebra, etc.

But! I am interested to know if you find this article unsettling? Do you have any horror stories? Has horrible behavior at a bachelor party lead to a strain on your relationship? Please tell me.

And in the meantime, thanks, Marie Claire!

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    • Eileen

      I have a really hard time taking seriously anything Marie Claire publishes. This is partly because I think it sucks as a magazine, but also because they once called up my mom to “renew her daughter’s subscription.” I, the oldest of my mom’s daughters, was seven or eight years old at the time and had never heard of the magazine. So they’re sketchy as well as sucky.

      • Eileen

        Also, worst nightmare? You mean, worse than the one where my sister dies and both my parents get cancer? If the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to you is your fiance cheated on you, I want your life.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Agree especially on the “worst nightmare” objection.

    • Lindsay Cross

      “We’re not built that way”? Like, with a spine, you mean? Actually lots of men are built that way. But some of them aren’t and they are the assholes who fuck prostitutes or get $100 handjobs (which by the way makes you spineless and idiotic).

      I agree with Ashley. This is not a trend. It’s paranoia that should only scare someone whose marrying a complete douche. In which case, why the hell are you marrying him?

    • E.D.

      “Her friends and family were there, and no one breathed a word.”

      That woman not only has an asshole husband, but asshole family and friends.

    • Papa Geek

      Bad things do happen sometimes, but you’re right – it’s when the groom is an asshole. This also extends to the groom’s friends.

      Often times the groomsmen get the husband so trashed he can barely walk, let alone make a good decision. It’s good to have a few of your boys along that you can trust to make sure nothing shady happens when you’re in blackout mode.

    • Jessica Pauline Ogilvie

      Amen to “this is what happens when you are engaged to an asshole.”

    • Steph

      First of all, Adam is a huge douchebag. How the hell can you rationalize cheating on your fiance by saying “it’s the last woman I’ll get to touch?” I mean, other than raging assholes who you should run away from.

      Second, men can turn down the offer of a woman unzipping his pants. It’s called “having control.” And don’t give me the bullshit answer that men can’t control their sex life, because they can.

      Third, whose bachelor party ends up like this?

      • xray

        you’d be surprised…

    • Micah

      This is why I dont read trashy magazines like Marie Claire, or Cosmo, or Lucky! or etc… They’re all filled with information to scare or shame (all those damn quizzes about how to tell if your lover is cheating on you, happy in bed with you…etc.) ignorant people into buying more magazines to make sure their life will stay on track, just like the magazine says it should. I’m engaged to a wonderful man and trust him with my life. I know for a fact that he would never cheat on me or do anything as awful as this article would insinuate that ALL men do during bachelor parties… Propaganda ladies… propaganda

    • bexkee

      I become so frightened about this sort of stuff I don’t even want to get married because the ridiculously stupid paranoid side of me would always wonder if his friends all egged him on to have sex with another Woman before being betrothed to a gal who doesn’t exactly look like blonde Venus with fake boobs.

    • Jane

      I’ve heard from male friends of several bachelor parties that went the way of sex with prostitutes and strippers. But I’ve also know several men who are disgusted by that sort of behavior and can’t even go to a strip club.

      For me, hearing about those bachelor parties was a window into the guy telling me about them. I lost all my respect for a guy that said “she wasn’t a person, she was a stripper”.

    • Denise

      I know my husband’s good friend will sleep with a prostitute at his upcoming bachelor party. But that’s only because he slept with one before when they went on vacation together. Not because it was his bachelor party (he wasn’t even engaged at that point), it’s because he’s a spineless, immature, asshole.

      I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with one at my husband’s bachelor party because in his mind “someone had to do it”.

      The whole idea of “no guy can say no to that” only applied tot 15 year-olds that can’t control their erections. Having a stripper finish you off for $100 is the equivalent to having to hold your binder in-front of your crotch during your French speech. Real men go home and fuck their wives.

      • Bob

        This sentiment is true most of the time, but this assumes that said man’s wife actually wants to have sex with him. Some women just don’t.

    • Michelle

      my husband did paintball with his friends for his bachelor party. Of course, he (and all of his friends) are computer geeks. I don’t think they would even know how to find a prostitute

    • Koko

      I’d totally let my spouse screw a prostitute, if he agreed to let me do the same. When posed the question, I doubt he’d agree.

    • Rary

      To Eileen: It may be true that worse things can happen, but it is also true that it is a BRIDES worst nightmare about her groom. And after all that stuff that has happened in your past, is it still happening?? no?? Then perhaps this could and it really would make your life worse.

    • xray

      At a drunken new years eve party I overheard some of my husband’s friends planning to get a hooker. I pretended to be really really drunk, so they dropped their guard. There would be strippers, and one hooker, or they would bribe the strippers to give them happy endings. Ever since my husband started hanging out with these losers he has changed. Needless to say I wil not stand for him going since it is equated with infidelity. HIs friends actually asked me to dance for them when they thought I was drunk and were all hitting on me. My husband said nothing. This group of a**holes treats women like objects. Ok I am ranting now, but it is also a symptom of an underlying current of machismo and sexism in our culture.
      – Yous truly about to swear off men indefinitely..